Living Out Loud

Butterflies and Rainbows

2011-04-30T20:15:00.003-05:00

I suspect I could be painting a picture of P90X as being all rainbows and butterflies over here. With the exception of an evening last week when it indeed included a rainbow, this is entirely not the case. I, well we, have discovered my own pattern within the pattern of P90x. It's a pattern of whining.

I like to start start with denial which very quickly moves into anger and bargaining before I lie down on the couch in a state of depression. Most evenings I find acceptance pretty quickly after that warm-up. I really like all the back, shoulder and arm workouts. I don't like legs or yoga though. I still haven't seen much in the way of results, in my opinion. I have gone up, and up in the amount I lift and I feel strong and generally less jiggly. I wish and hope for something more noticeable though before I hit the beach!

So there you have it. One rainbow and no butterflies. I must be holding out for the latter though because I still show up every night.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2011-04-13T14:09:00.002-05:00

Bananas.

Though bananas are abundant at every grocery store I visit, to me they are elusive. They are the day lily of fruits. Okay, maybe I'm just particular about bananas. If the peel won't come off they're clearly under ripe, but if they taste "bananay" enough to be Laffy Taffy then they're too ripe. That means when I get a bunch of perfect bananas I gorge on them for a day. I'm wiling to share but I don't advertise that there are new bananas in the house. Once they've passed my version of their peak, I let others in the house have a few before the speckled ones are banished to the freezer for baking. Yesterday was a banana day and I thought they'd last into today but sadly, no.

We have a new addition to our house this week, well, in addition to Phase 2 of P90x. Her name is Vera. She's an adorable 5-month old black & white kitty. She's super sweet. J has been able to scare her a couple times but for the most part she lets him hug her and pet her and play with her. Considering she's only lived here three days I think that's awesome. Last night our other kitty stopped hissing at her too. I'm thinking this is because she has secured her place as queen and a not-so simple look of smug superiority is all she needs now.

After nursing a calf injury during P90x's recovery week, we're back into the meat of things. My mantra for Phase 1 was "survive" but I didn't see the results D has (shocker there) so my mantra for Phase 2 is "doubles." I'm going to try to get in as many double workouts as possible. Today I ran again after I was rained out yesterday morning. I had an epiphany yesterday which was a really just a realization of the obvious. The epiphany was that while I need to take a day off in-between lifting, I can run more often with fewer days off. In fact, I need to be running more often if I want to conquer this once and for all. I've wanted to be a runner for years - since high school track I suspect. I'm finally getting there, and though my 5ks are not that impressive I couldn't be more pleased. I really want this and I have my eye on a few 5ks and maybe even a mini triathlon this summer. So yeah, I'll need babysitters. Feel free to use the comments field below as a sign up sheet.

P90x is all about muscle confusion (oh and X-treme!). There are 3 phases and 2 recovery weeks between phases. Each phase uses some different DVDs. Monday was Chest, Shoulders, Triceps and I wasn't sure I was going to finish the entire workout. In all honesty, I completely gave up on all push-ups 3/4 of the way through. I'm still rocking the abs workout though (So where's even a hint of the six-pack I should be starting to see?!?!? Still looks like the only six-pack related to my body is St. Paulie Girl). Tonight is Back & Biceps which sounds like pull-ups and curls and some other sort of crazy added in for fun.

I think I'd better go get a cup of tea. Since starting this workout caffeine has become a necessity. I believe I can thank my misfiring thyroid for that. But I have to leave with one last thing, my dream last night. This is really for anyone reading this who's related to me. I dreamt last night that I was headed down Grandma's street in Masury and where the house and extra lot were was now a HUGE mansion. I think the driveway alone was bigger than Grandma's house and it had many points on the roof as if it was trying to look like an Eastern European castle. Maybe it's a message coming through in the dream and we're Hungarian royalty. ;)

Recovery Week

2011-04-07T12:59:00.002-05:00

This is recovery week. However, I've managed to injure myself. I'm limping. I'm not sure what happened considering my workout last night was repeatedly turning my head away from the TV to avoid disturbing Black Swan scenes. I need cliff notes for that thing. Maybe my inner Black Swan went for a crazy run last night or something because I woke up limping. My calf is either pulled or just in a perma-cramp.

I actually suspect it's a delayed response to Krav Maga. I felt like P90x wasn't X-treme enough and I needed to add in some hand-to-hand combat skills. I actually really enjoyed Krav class and if I had time I would pursue it but clearly I do not. It was a good workout, but unfortunately between taking turns and taking instruction, I wasn't able to keep my heart rate up the entire hour. I cannot do doubles 4x a week and P90x is only 1/3 done. Oh and there's that little thing called running that I want to keep doing.

In fact we did a 5k this past weekend - Cook Forest 5k. I have really only two complaints (since I'm clearly in a little bit of a complaining mood). The first is my fault, I should have read the description as being relative. Clearly the only "significant" hill to someone living in the Allegheny Mountains is at mile 2 but to the flatlander I've become, I beg to disagree. The second complaint is that I didn't look at who the run supported. I would have loved to see it support the park or some other non-profit or cause. That could keep me from participating in the future.

I did finish the race though! I ran all but that significant hill (about 20 yards) and my time was not great but not hideous. I have room for improvement and I plan to improve! We have a couple future 5ks in mind but I'm not sure which will work out. There's the EcoThon which I've done before and is pretty tough, plus the Race for the Cure. We'll see. First I need to stop limping.

Next week we start phase two of P90x. The workouts will change a little and we can add more whole grain carbs back (ha! as if I was good at doing low carb). I suspect D will go back to low-carb again to jump start phase two. I may also. I'm excited to see how this month goes. I already see a little difference in myself both in how I look, how I feel, and my strength. P90x - I hate it, but I love it!

money back guarantee

2011-03-18T13:09:00.001-05:00

I'm still here and still doing P90x! I realize hiding outside the realm of blogdom so no one could find out I quit DOES sound like me. However, no, that's not the case. I've actually been busy, really busy. We left the day after the last blog entry and spent four days in Pennsylvania, mainly Pittsburgh, to celebrate my mom's birthday.

D did a ton better than me in keeping with the fat shredder portion of P90's nutritional plan. The first night at dinner I lasted about 10 minutes in the presence of soft pretzels before they had to be mine. Otherwise though I had salmon and the next night was simply veggies & tofu so I didn't do horribly but I didn't do great. We were also unable to do the workouts though we'd hoped we could. Bleh. But we came home and got back on the wagon, well for a few days. We had 2 birthday parties, one was at our house for J and then strep hit. What a mess. So we've really had only two half weeks instead of two full weeks. Yeah, there goes our money back guarantee.

With that said, we do keep going back and pushing play. We do our best, and forget the rest. We're still going - and D is still doing better. I really love how easy it is for guys to lose weight. That's totally awesome. I really like to continually hear about the downward spiral of the scale. In exchange I retain water, that's how I roll. Clearly the difference is annoying, but I'm not letting it get to me this time, at least not yet. Really.

In other news, my baby is three! He seems like such a big boy . . . nearly potty trained now, taking a swim class without me, refusing to use his booster seat, and using his imagination all the time! I'm just glad he still likes to cuddle. I love that with me he decides we'll be cats or birds - I'm the momma and he's the baby and we're in our nest cuddling. Love it.

What else do I love? Yes, carbs but I was thinking something other than food. Spring! I have crocus that are blooming as well as both daffodil and allium about to bloom. It's 68 degrees, and though I'm writing this with strep, sick and in bed, I have all the windows in the house open to enjoy this year's first, full day of spring. I think my meds are working, and I hope tomorrow it's still warm so I can enjoy it a bit. I might have to get outside and run - turning tomorrow into a double!

Yeah! Yoga!

2011-03-09T14:31:00.004-05:00

I was really nervous about P90x. Then I was really annoyed by having to change what I eat. Finally, I was simply overwhelmed with this being added to my already over-flowing plate. In addition to the four "events" I'm planning over the next couple months, and my work to get work, I'm also still involved in all my pet projects AND thought now would be a good time to start potty training a certain little man.

Between potty training and P90x, I have landed upon an unlikely mantra, 'It's always darkest before dawn." It seems like just as I'm about to drown myself in a toilet, J has a break through. And just as I'm getting negative about P90x (yep, already), I have an awesome workout.

Last night was Shoulders & Arms and I was less than enthusiastic. I was actually contemplating bailing on Ab Ripper after the arms workout . . . yes, feeling that negative. Well, I've got to say I really liked the Shoulder & Arm workout! I felt really strong, and I'm not sore at all - yet. I'm doing lighter weight but higher reps because I'm not looking to add bulk anywhere. Still, I'm not wussing out either with the weight. I stuck with it and did Ab Ripper too, and it was just as difficult as the first time. I can't wait to see those 6-pack abs I surely have, hibernating maybe a little more than "just" below the surface.

I feel like I'm starting to hit a groove though. I'm not as cranky about the food, and I'm not craving carbs. I'm really excited about yoga tonight too. I know it will be intense - I've already watched the video in preparation. Still, I'm looking forward to it. I won't lie, I'm really looking forward to Savasana. I've been wanting to get back into yoga - and here it is. Yeah! Yoga!

chocolate croissants consume my thoughts

2011-03-06T11:21:00.003-05:00

Most weeks J and I share a breakfast treat one day. In the summer it's Saturdays during the farmer's market, but in the winter it fluctuates. Usually once a week though we share a chocolate croissant. Our favorite is from Le Chatelaine but we often have to settle for Whole Foods' version. I woke up this morning thinking about these and I almost sent D out for some. But then I remembered . . . egg whites. I'm supposed to have egg whites. Gag.

I seem to have fooled a number of people into thinking I have amazing will power. Ha! I have very little when it comes to food at least. I miss my croissant. I have pondered it. I eventually came to the conclusion that I deserve one. I mean, it's part of my constitutional right as it's clearly pivotal to my pursuit of happiness.

I made the stupid egg whites but they were nearly inedible. I finally managed to eat them, without gagging, by putting them on an English muffin with some soy sausage. The latter are both listed in the meal plan example I have so I'm not cheating. It was more a comedy of errors at the stove that made the eggs vile. I don't hate eggs, but I don't love them and I'm particular about how they are prepared. Overall a chocolate croissant is far easier and more delicious.

If you read the last entry, you know I'm starting P90x. We did our fit test last night and decided to start on the meal plan this morning. The first month's meal suggestions are very Atkins-like. That will be hard for me. I feel like I eat pretty well, however I do love carbs. I think I can do it with a few adjustments (i.e. chocolate snacks & chai tea). I need to be spoiled, even if I'm the only one doing the spoiling. I think I'll do better on mornings D is not around. I may have outdone him on the fit test, but he has a lot more will power with food. Apparently things don't have to taste good for him to eat them - and consistency isn't an issue either. Ugh.

I got online this morning to check out the P90x community I was told existed. You know, I understand selling P90x drinks, bars, supplements, etc and claiming they are they ones to have. But to have your website structured to charge for community support seems just wrong. It's an additional $3 a week for the blog, videos, recipes and more. Seriously?!? That's annoying, even for an infomercial product.

I was also annoyed to see that the free calculator/wizard said I should be eating 1300 calories on this plan. WHAT?!?! Ah yeah, I could eat that many calories while sitting on the cough in front of soaps and lose weight. I'm pretty certain I was well above that calorie count when I was doing Weight Watchers . . . where I successfully lost over 25 pounds, meeting my goal and becoming a lifetime member. But I'm doing this for more than weight loss. I want to be in shape and have muscle definition. I had already been thinking about adding lifting back into my repertoire because my arms are getting flabby. So this makes sense to me, for now. I should also note that I'll be in the Virgin Islands in the next few months and I do recall my previous photos on the beach. I would have to destroy any photographic evidence if I went in my current "condition."

But back to positivity, my fit test went well last night. I only failed one part - the jumping jacks. My calves cramped up so I did a modified version. Considering how hardcore this program is going to be, I labeled that as a failure. In Tony Horton speak 'I'm currently struggling with' jumping jacks. On the bright side, I did nearly 3x the number of pull-ups as the minimum, and I blew past the minimum for curls as well as in & outs. I feel ready. I think it's good to start the program feeling good and positive. I'm glad the fit test has gotten me into that state-of-mind.

After the fit test we watched a couple of the DVDs to see what was coming. I like to have all the information and know what's coming. Good thing too, because we figured out we need to re-work our pull-up bar. D is going to the hardware store today. We also learned we need more weights - well weight options.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Tonight is Chest & Back as well as Ab Ripper. Yikes. I haven't watched the Ab one yet so I'll likely do that this afternoon. I NEED to know ahead of time what horror awaits. Stay tuned. I suspect the next entry may be comically different than this.

Fickle

2011-03-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

I looked for a good quote using "fickle," but I couldn't find anything suitable. Many of the quotes used the word to, rightly in my opinion, describe the collective consciousness of a mass of people (particularly with politics, fame, pop culture). I was looking for a quote that read more like a confession. I would not say I'm normally fickle, but with this blog, yeah, I'm hot and I'm cold; I'm yes and I'm no.

A friend (you know who you are) sent me a rather old article yesterday, which I read and enjoyed, Caring for your Introvert. I think everyone who knows me knows I'm an introvert but if not - there you have it! I'm on the more social end of the spectrum these days, but I'm no extrovert. Until reading this, I had never considered the idea that the world is run by extroverts, and hence extrovert qualities are desired. However, I have experienced that! I have wished I could become an extrovert and change the entire basis of myself.

For being myself, again an introvert, I've also often been asked "what's wrong" or told I should appear happier and more outgoing ("why don't you smile"). Beyond that though I've also been wrongly labled as "haughty" and even bitchy because I'm introverted. The article suggests that extroverts don't understand us but I'd like to go farther . . . many introverts don't seem to understand either because some of the labeling and misunderstanding I've encountered is from them!

Why mention this? Well, this clearly affects my blogging, in that I always think before I speak (or write) and I don't want to share all my thoughts or feelings with people. The combination leads to a lack of blogging topics or at least unauthentic writing. Sometimes I read what I've written, and think 'I'm a better writer than this; how embarrassing,' so I delete it all.

I'm not upset at the continual evolution of this blog. I'm not looking to find a particular audience for this, nor will I monetize it. So evolution is fine. I mean I'm evolving as a person so it makes sense. I plan to abandon recipes here. I don't enjoy taking bad photos any more than I enjoy posting poorly written entries. I can do nice food shots, but I really hate dragging out my studio lights to photograph my dinner before I eat it. I'm hungry!

Adoption updates . . . I wanted to chronicle our adoption process here. Well, I guess I had hoped there wouldn't be this long period of waiting, or perhaps I didn't realize I'd have so little to say while waiting. I'll still post any update I have, but at this point they seem few and far between.

I plan to update my travel blog after some upcoming adventures. I'll also make sure it's up-to-date with past trips. So be sure to check that every so often. I'll likely link to it from here though so don't worry. I hope to keep my writing blog updated as well. I feel like I have zero audience over there, but I like that. It's also very focused. I think this blog could use more focus, or re-focus.

The newest incarnation of this blog will mainly be anecdotal. In addition to tidbits about daily life, I'll mainly be documenting my progress on P90x. (gulp) Yeah, I've been talked into doing it. My couch-to-5k program is taking longer than it should (that's an understatement). Having a buddy may have helped with that, and for P90x I will have one. D got the program and really wants to do it. How can I sit and snack during primetime TV while he's working out and getting ripped? I don't expect, or necessarily want, the latter but overall I feel like I should try the program as well.

More to come!

where oh where has the blogger gone

2011-01-18T16:20:00.004-05:00

Another gap in my blogging - I KNOW! Yet again, I'm at a place where I'm considering abandoning the blog(s). I keep reinventing this thing in hopes . . . . in hopes of various things.

In hopes it will be useful. But to whom?

In hopes I'll come back to it and write more.

In hopes it will simply be a space, a thing, to which I enjoy giving my time.

Honestly, with even minimal thought I quickly come up with only negative responses to these hopes. I mean, c'mon, I can give my time to far better things than a blog, a nonentity. So take that hope #3. And hope #2, well, I have a separate writing blog where I had wanted to explore my writing and the serious commitment I was making to it. I haven't been over there either. And lastly, hope #1 is a constant issue because I *should* blog for myself but I don't. And since I'm being honest here, as long as I'm not blogging for myself then I'm not likely to feel at home here.

I'm not trying to be the next big anything with this blog so I really have little business blogging for others. On the flipside to that, blogging for myself is pointless. Really, I don't see the point. I mean I see the point to writing for myself but not blogging. I don't put in-depth information out into the world. I'm a private person. I will tell you that what I tend to blog here is within the confines of what I'd discuss at a cocktail party. I'm quiet, shy, a wall-flower so if you know me you know that's not a whole lot of information. I guess that's part of why I find it so hard to fill posts. I'm editing myself. I'm editing myself right out of entire posts.

So maybe I will drop this one and just keep my travel log and writing blogs up. Release myself from the self-imposed blogging pressure. I could pick up some paper and a pen and actually write openly, honestly and completely for myself there. I'd still edit but at least I'd try to limit it.

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now and why I'm not here much.

Eating like it's Spring

2010-10-17T14:12:00.011-05:00

I'm a vegetarian so it would make sense that I like salad. Though in my case, this is reversed - I've come to like salads because as a vegetarian often times salad is the only item available for me. Becoming a weight watchers lifetime member solidified my salad love. The lower the points the more I love it!

With the change of season, I've gotten out fall and winter clothing, and I've come to the joyous realization that even my fat pants are snug. So salad it is. This is a little bothersome because the toddler boy needs "real" food. So far it's worked out fine but I know long-term this will become and issue. Stay tuned. For now though, I thought I'd share my approach to the boring SALAD.

First and foremost is prep. During the summer I frequented the farmer's market and whatever was in-season and looked good was what I got. Normally though, I buy whatever lettuce is on sale or a mix of different greens that strike my fancy. I'm not above the bag of salad either.

Tip: Though the following idea may sound obvious, I thought it was pure genius (thanks AJ for sharing) . . . wash the lettuce, dry it, store it, and serve it in a giant salad spinner. It works great to have everything ready to go and keeps me from derailing due to well, let's call a spade a spade here, complete laziness. Personally, I also store the veggies in the salad spinner that I will want in each type of salad. For instance, something like cucumber I may use in every salad, whereas carrot I would not so I'd leave the carrots in their bag, not the spinner.

Next you have all your toppings and quite frankly this makes or breaks a salad in my opinion. I like to have all the toppings on hand for any type of salad I could possibly decide to want for dinner. This also helps keep me on the straight and narrow because if I was in the mood for miso I would potentially bail on the salad if I didn't have what was needed for a miso salad. I try to fool-proof everything so the salad is actually the fastest and simplest thing to eat for dinner, besides a bowl of cereal of course.

Here is where I contradict myself and say next is NOT the toppings but figuring out which salads you like best and may want to make. Below is my list of favorites, check them out and they may be your new favorite too!

Bobby Flay's Sophie's Chopped (served at Mesa Grille)

CPK's Field Greens

Molly Woo's Miso Salad (aka House Salad)

Panera's Fuji Apple (sans chicken)

CPK's BBQ Chopped (sans chicken)

The others are my recipes which I will describe briefly below each.

Taco Salad

This is a modern version of my moms 1980s taco salad with Catalina dressing and Taco Sauce. I add black beans, veggies, and non-iceberg lettuce in this. It is requested each time I visit family & friends in Texas.

Cheddar Apple

I love cheddar and apple together and often eat that as a sandwich on a baguette or ciabatta bun with some honey mustard. Take it off the bread and put it into a salad - WaLa!

Wedge Salad

I think you probably know this one; it's not really my recipe. Of course I use fake bacon in mine. I always have tomatoes as well and sometimes diced cucumber for extra veggies. This is my only iceberg lettuce salad; sometimes I just really want the crisp, watery iceberg.

Santa Fe Lime

I just made up that name though the salad is real. This is based around a couple things - jicama, black beans, and Lime Vinaigrette (one of my current loves). I have no clue what makes it Santa Fe in my mind considering I've not had anything like this when visiting Santa Fe. Maybe it's actually more San Diego? Who knows. I don't particularly care; it's good and I like it.

This many salad recipes may sound like you'll need to keep a lot of ingredients on hand, but that's not really true. I could make all but the wedge salad right now and that's due to the iceberg lettuce. Most of these salads have similar ingredients. Once you have determined your favorite salads look at the ingredients and make your grocery list from that. It is important to me to have just the right dressing; I have two shelves on the door of my fridge full of dressings. Again this is to keep from being derailed by my salads being too far off the mark from the original, not satisfying and hence leading to desserts (yes, plural).

Once you've bought your toppings - from veggies to beans and from croutons to fancy imported cheeses - organize and store them in a way that works for you. I keep all my salad fixings in one drawer in the fridge and on one shelf in the pantry so I can see it all. Then I grab and go for whatever I have in mind. Remember, these are your favorite salads so you won't need a recipe. Likely you've eaten these a million times so you know exactly what to grab!

Tip: Looking to add crunch without the wasteful calories of a crouton (I'm not really anti-crouton but WW's point system is.)? Try roasted garbanzo beans. They're easy to make, packed with protein and add the needed crunch to a salad. Use 1 TBS of olive oil per can of beans. Drain and rinse the canned beans and place in bowl - add the oil and your whatever seasonings you like. Don't be shy with the seasoning! The beans need flavor so add about 2 teaspoons of dried seasoning per can plus salt to taste. If you like them plain just add salt, pepper and the olive oil and bake. You'll want to watch these the first time you make them. My first batch was undercooked and my second nearly overcooked. Bake at 450 degrees for 30-40 minutes. They crunch up slightly more once cooled too. I set the timer for 10 minutes and shake the pan each time it goes off to stir them a bit. Enjoy!

Though autumn has arrived with all it's comfort foods, I will be eating as if it's spring and summer until those skinny pants are fitting again. I need to locate my weight watcher's book with all the points. I'm seriously not buying a new wardrobe. It's becoming my MO to end with a question, so . . . . what's YOUR favorite restaurant salad (or salad of your own creation)?

Considerations

2010-09-08T12:53:00.002-05:00

As fall approaches it's naturally a time of change. I used to pass a reservoir on my way to work each day, and I always noticed the seasonal turnover of the lake each fall. The mix of water color across the lake was mesmerizing to me. And not surprisingly, the beautiful scene gave me a sense of melancholy. Where changes in the spring, be it lake turnover, budding trees, or melting snow, fill me with exuberance, I get melancholy this time of year. I love fall and I can handle change. I guess I'm a summer girl though and it's harder to transition into fall regardless of how much I love it once I do. This year I can feel the itch for change and I can see that in others too.

I'm considering a number of changes, from how I interact with people to the table we eat dinner at, and my head is swirling with the possibilities. I may spend my evening at the library tonight just trying to think through it all, and only because the zoo is closed. During our visit today I could have sat in the aquarium for hours. I made a mental note to return there with a notebook some rainy afternoon.

Do you feel an autumnal desire to make a change or changes in your life? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours - comment below! Okay, okay I'll give you a sample, but it's a utilitarian change, nothing exciting. I'm hoping to change how I approach my computer time with a 'Kick the E-mail Habit 30-day Challenge.'

"When you're finished changing, you're finished." - Benjamin Franklin

Here and There

2010-09-07T14:55:00.026-05:00

As I admitted in my last post, I've been, well, busy. Perhaps I should find a synonym that annoys me less. In any case, I also mentioned I'd carved out time for a few things including weekend trips. Below are the highlights - enjoy!

On or around July 4th we began to stew in unending heat and humidity. This has continued with cool offs only a few days here and there up through this week. Today it's 90 and we're in the midwest so that's neither normal or abnormal but still hot (for us). I remember feeling like I was melting when we went to the parade and watched Mr. Franklin read the Declaration of Independence.

Our mid-summer vacation was to the lake, as in the one D spent summers at growing up. It's about 40 minutes north of my parents' home so we bookended the trip visiting them. The lake is small, about a mile wide and probably triple that in length. It has a turn of the century (the last century) amusement park on it which sadly is in need of much repair. At the other end of the lake from the park is an extremely small town, and surrounding it all is rural Pennsylvania. It's quiet. It's beautiful. And we wish we could spend more time there, but alas. Last year J was afraid of the water. He has a lot more fun this year but was still wary of the blue gills that would swim right up and bump your toes or legs.

We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary in August. As usual we discussed the options of going away versus doing absolutely nothing. And as usual we ended up somewhere in-between. We visited a conservation center, that works with zoos all over the world, and took a safari tour. It was cool but we both think it would have been better if we'd done a sunset tour as it would have been cooler, and more animals would have been active. Now we know what to do next time!

We traveled over this past weekend, Labor Day, to visit my parents and the fair we grew up attending each year. This is a small fair but it still has vendors offering elephant ears, not just funnel cakes, so clearly it's awesome. I like a small fair. I don't need six vendors selling me burritos when one or two is fine. I don't even need a butter sculpture.

This was J's first fair. We went through the animal barns first - horse, cows, pigs, goats, sheep and then the beloved chickens. Not surprisingly this was J's favorite barn. We had to go through it twice. My father met us there after we were done with the barns and the chickens were the only ones J wanted to show him. Of course I too love the chickens and so much so that I didn't actually get any photos of J's excitement as he ran through the aisles. I was too busy getting close-ups of the birds and working through my own excitement. My bad.

After the animals we hit the center field of tractors - so many tractors. J was equally happy here. Then we moved on to lunch, games, and of course dessert (the elephant ear!!!!). It was cold and rainy but overall still a good time and a nostalgic way to welcome fall.

Put up or Shut up

2010-09-07T14:08:00.005-05:00

I've been so busy. I hate when people say that. But I know sometimes it's actually true, and when it is I don't mind hearing it. I've actually been so busy myself for the past few weeks. I've been working on freelance work in all my spare time and that's why there have been no blogs. I did manage to carve out time to celebrate my birthday, take a couple weekend trips out-of-town, and put up a bunch of goodies.

Our CSA came to an end last week; that's a little on the early side but we knew that going in. Between that, the farmer's market, our garden, and a trip to the berry farm, I've been able to freeze and can quite a bit of things. I froze two types of jam, blue berries, pesto, and corn. I hope to get at least one more batch of pesto frozen this weekend. I love pesto and I'll know next year to plan 7 or 8 basil plants since the 5 I have has not yielded as much as I would have liked. I've also discovered that though I love basil, I absolutely adore rosemary and it's likely my favorite herb.

There should be a name for this time of year, between summer and fall. The days are noticeably shorter and range wildly in temperature - today is 90 here but yesterday was 80 and tomorrow is forecasted to be in the 70s. That's crazy but also so normal for this time of year that clearly needs a name. It's also when gardeners are inundated with tomatoes and zucchini. We only grew tomatoes this year. We have 8 heirloom plants and they are massive, however they're not yielding a crazy amount of fruit. I've gotten enough to freeze some pints of salsa as well as a handful of containers of oven roasted tomatoes, however I've had to supplement from the farmer's market. I also got 12 pints of tomatoes canned. I hope the remaining tomatoes ripen in time for this weekend so I can move on to quarts and do a last batch.

This is my first year of canning and that is the source for my blog title - Put up or Shut Up. I've been talking about wanting to can for at least two seasons now. I spent most of the summer filling our freezer, hesitant to actually get the canning supplies out and try my hand at it. Well, it's easy! I'm so excited to have successfully canned peach butter, tomatoes and jelly (okay the latter wasn't a success but that was an issue with overly juicy peppers not their processing) that I'm looking forward to apple butter, applesauce, and even soups this fall! Now I need a place to store all these goodies in the basement. Of course I'm set on something vintage, so I've been scouring Craigslist.

Admittedly I could have also called the post Put up AND Shut Up considering ever since the arrival of a large box of canning jars and accessories from my mom arrived, D has been bugging me about using them. He didn't think I actually would and that they'd just take up space. Ah, but now they are taking up space and filled with garden fresh fruits and veggies for winter. Someone will have to shush now.

Comments

2010-08-26T16:22:00.002-05:00

I've been gone awhile - just really busy. I have quite a few things I'd like say, but still no time. Just wanted to say that comment moderation has been enabled. Got some comments that were odd to say the least so I'll moderate them for awhile or forever. Whatev. More later.

Various

2010-07-04T13:35:00.011-05:00

I haven't done a "various" blog post in a long time. I've sort of missed them - have you? As per my tradition, these are mainly updates.

- Breaking my own rule right out of the gate, as this is not an update. Ha! While it could have been about 5 degrees cooler everyday last week, I generally like heat and humidity especially in the early evening when the blazing sun is below the trees. I appreciate the sun for keeping us all alive, don't get me wrong. I just don't like it blazing down directly on me. I prefer the same 90 degree temperature but with indirect sun. I'm not at all picky though.

We finally tried out the fountains at Ballantrae Park in Dublin. Anything that is compared to the Easton fountains is an automatic negative for me so I was a little leery. However, it was great! Absolutely no shade but considering J insisted I remain at his side (I don't blame him since we didn't go with other kids) it was fine because I was soaked. I hope to go again this afternoon and this time I'll wear my bathing suit. I've decided I'm too impatient for the "quick" dry of quick dry shorts. I hope to get some photos this afternoon too - cross your fingers!

- Our house is still being "landscaped," though right now it looks more like a foreclosure-scape. Perhaps we were too hasty in ripping out the hedges. It looked better at first but now the once empty beds with freshly tilled dirt are dry and full of weeds. Very attractive. D spent May beside himself over how horrible it looked; fretting that all eyes were on his eye-sore of a yard. Worried that all the neighbors were whispering and pointing. June was a month of acceptance that it is what it is. Now in the heat of July we're simply waiting. Waiting to get on our landscaper's schedule now that we've finally gotten quotes from him for the work. They'll be prepping all the beds in the front, and D will then plant the trees and shrubs himself. Of course we cannot get any of this done until the masonry company repairs our brick wall (ah yeah, rebuilds our brick wall). Seems I failed to mention the pile of bricks in our front side yard. Pretty. Supposedly that work will be done this week though it was supposed to be done last week. All I know is even I'm starting to think the house looks like complete ass outside.

- After two grueling, yes grueling, weeks of working on our adoption profile, I took a copy to our attorney on Friday. Attorney or lawyer - is there a difference? I like attorney better but I'm not sure why. I use lawyer more but I think only because it's faster to type.

Anyway, I seriously spent every single naptime and every single evening working on this thing for nearly two weeks. I had to locate images, scan them, color correct them, crop them, re-size them and then finally place them into the document. I used Word and if you don't already know, Word doesn't like too many images in one document. And if you get the images too close to one another, no amount of wrapping voodoo will keep them from dancing all over the page however they like, which I assure you is not how you like. I'll claim it was my mad Word skillz but maybe it was also having a Mac now that made this easier than in the past. However, once I added textboxes for all my captions it was on. Fun times. I'm so glad to be done! I have to give a shout out to AJ who was beyond, beyond, beyond helpful with the entire project. She spent most of her day on Thursday looking over every single page and emailing me thoughts for each one. I know I thanked her but I have to do so once more - THANK YOU, AJ . . . you rock! And I would be remiss not to thank everyone else who also helped. This thing was 26 pages of photos and answers to about a dozen questions. It was time consuming for everyone - THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!

Our attorney will be looking over it this week and letting us know if it's good, correct, awesome, I'm not sure what. I'm assuming that since we followed his suggested guidelines I'll have little or no additional work to do. I'll have more printed and we'll be all set for the long period of waiting. Of course "long" is a relative term and I have no idea how many weeks or months that could be. I'm thinking positively though so not that long.

- My attempt to eat less sugar has had a reverse affect. I find that often happens and it's got to be subconscious. I'm not dieting so there's no internal mantra of "don't eat sugar" or "don't eat this, don't eat that." If there was then I'd understand the reverse happening. I had just hoped to make better choices but alas I think I've been making worse choices!

At this rate, I will not have a very good habit formed going into fall which (no pun intended) is my downfall. Once Halloween hits all bets are off through Pi Day in March, well really through J's birthday two days later. What else is one to do in the midwest in winter other than bake and use up all those frozen summer berries?

- Speaking of summer berries, my collection from last summer is thankfully still good. I taste-tested them this morning. I plan to make two mixed berry galettes this week - one for our visit to the lake, and one for a family reunion. We are traveling again for another long weekend. I hope to hit a flea market or two while in WM. I can't seem to find any around here and I'm looking for a vintage pizzelle maker. Yeah, more baking, I know. I have my great-grandmother's pizzelle recipe and I really want to start making them and perfecting them. I suspect it will take awhile.

I only have three old family recipes . . . kolachi (I can't seem to find a universal spelling on that), pizzelles, and tomato gravy. The first two are my great-grandmother's and the latter is my grandmother's on the other side (as in my mom's not my dad's). I love them all equally, but I do wish they had more of their old friends in my recipe book.

Speaking of family, I found a photograph of a headstone with what is, according to my dad, either my great-great grandmother or great-aunt's name on it. He's leaning towards the latter. I looked up the name on Ancestry.com and found a couple close hits in the 1930 census records. Of course you have to have a paying account with Ancestry.com to view the record. Has anyone signed up with them? Did you get your money's worth out of it? I'd love to do family trees on both sides for my dad and the one on my mom's that is currently non-existent.

- One final update and it's a sad one. Sorry to end on a bum note. Our kitty Gato died this week. He was 12 years old and seemingly in good health. D found him dead one morning.

Gato was awesome basically. He had a wonderfully friendly and outgoing kitty personality. I don't think anyone ever met him and didn't like him. He was a huge (as in big-boned though I'll admit a little heavy too) orange tabby tomcat. A gentle giant though, he would never even fight back when one of the dogs was after him. At most he'd punch them and wait for help. But, if his sidekick Tatey was the one cornered Gato would turn into a ninja. Out of nowhere he'd jump down onto one of the dog's backs, biting and scratching to create a diversion and escape for Tate. It was shocking and comical at the same time. We love our dogs but they're little shits and they deserved whatever Gato gave them.

Gato had one issue, he was territorial (aka he sprayed sometimes). This became a huge issue at the other house but we were able to work through it and fix the damage to the house and stop him from continuing. After the move to the new house he started again and was currently living in the basement with our other cat until they could get used to the new smells and sounds of the place. It was taking longer than we would have liked and we'd been discussing the option of having the kitties become indoor-outdoor because basement life just isn't right.

I feel really guilty that he did not have his fair share of people-time in the new house and well really at the end of his life. I feel like I would have made other decisions if I had known he was sick and nearing his end. I also feel really bad because he and J were buds in the old house and definitely not here in the new one. I have no one to blame so I have been blaming myself. But for my own sanity, I think I will move the blame to carpeting. I hate carpeting anyway, especially cream colored carpeting. Let the petitioning for bamboo floors begin! Also, I'll be moving Remember Me up to the top of my Netflix Queue as I hear it's a tearjerker and I could use a good cry.

Miss you Gato - tell Tatey and Cleo we said "hi."

Oh sugar, sugar

2010-07-04T13:35:00.008-05:00

I've not yet hit the acceptance stage of my apparent sugar addiction. I'm still in denial. Over the past few years I've had it implied by a couple people that I have an addiction. In my defense though, I'm not as bad as her over there, or HER for goodness sake, and what about him? No, I'm fine. I barely eat any sugar. I watch D sprinkle it on his cereal in utter disgust. I'll take the honey, thank you very much.

And THAT is my downfall. Sugar IS in more things I eat than I am consistently conscious of; and so when I actually eat cookies or drink my Tall, Soy, No water, No foam, Chai Latte I think I'm still doing okay. I'll admit, I have sugar "issues" but I'm not ready to commit to removing it from my life and hence I'm not willing to admit my body could be addicted.

I think you may have noticed with my past few blog posts that I like to bake and want to bake more, and get better at it (ah, yeah like the tart incident). I do try to make my baking healthier so, for example, I do vegan lemon bars to avoid all the egg (oh and because lemon curd sends chills down my spine - anything overly yolky does) and I use whole wheat flour often with ground flax and wheat germ added. This is how I came to find myself baking banana breakfast bread, which claimed to be healthy and guilt-free for breakfast. JUST what I was looking for! Too bad I didn't do the sugar math until it was already in the oven. Assuming I cut the bread into 12 pieces, that is 1 tablespoon of sugar per serving. That's a lot. I would not put 1 Tbsp of sugar in my tea, or on my cereal, or on my macerating berries. I certainly would not want to give J 1 Tbsp of sugar at a sitting or in a day even if I could help it (which really, I can). Besides, cutting those into 12 pieces is not realistic which means more sugar per serving.

I tasted the bread this morning and it didn't even taste that sweet. I added an extra banana, didn't put in the full 3/4 cup of sugar, added wheat germ which is normally a bit sweet, AND added a handful of chocolate chips. If the recipe had been written by a food expert I would leave a comment stating my disappointment. But really, this got me thinking and that's a good thing. How can I make this bread into a truly guilt-free breakfast bread full of flax, nuts, and banana? How can I make it taste good?

To answer some of my questions I'll need to do some research. How is honey digested and utilized by the body? I'm under the assumption it's no different than sugar or banana. So maybe I need to look into stevia. Or what about agave nectar? There are so many sugar alternatives and I wonder if any of them are *really* a healthy alternative? I'm willing to look at sugar on a recipe by recipe basis but not as a whole in my life. I feel like the latter is too overwhelming and if I take care of the former then I should be okay.

I also met with my naturopath this week. I have not had an appointment with her since I got my prenatal vitamins. My file was so old that it was in storage in her house, but she did find it! That was good because it showed that in 3 years my cellular health and weight and metabolism have all remained the same or gotten better. However, my cholesterol is way too low, I failed her calcium test, and she thought I generally had a horrible diet. I can't disagree. I'm always thinking that if I ate only what I fed J then I'd be amazingly healthy and probably thinner too. It's easy to give him healthy food and expect him to eat it; it's all he's known and he's used to it. On the other hand those things taste weird, bland, and generally nose-wrinkling icky to my white bread taste buds. I'm doing far better but I'm not to the point where I will choose water over DQ ice cream. This is what J did last night. He spent our drive saying "yum yum" over a cup of ice water because it had the always coveted straw. Meanwhile his cone sat in the seat next to him with only a couple bites gone. I realize this sounds horribly messy, but let me clarify that J gets an empty cone and I sort of dip it into my ice cream so he gets a few licks. He isn't an ice cream fan and we learned this the hard way at the beginning of summer. Luckily a boy can be washed and a Jeep can be hosed out.

My naturopath gave me a suggested diet to follow but I gotta admit, it's just too much. I have a lot going on and while I want to improve I need to make baby steps or I'm gonna quit. So I've decided to tackle taking my vitamins regularly, eating more vegetables, and adding better sources of protein into my diet. These were things I knew I needed to do and wanted to change anyway. What I don't want to do is limit my carbs - at all. The suggestion was that I do one fruit and one whole grain carb a day. Okay I'd be done at breakfast after my cheerios and strawberries. No. I have to draw the line somewhere.

So basically my future food related posts will likely be a little healthier. I'll probably be doing more salads for one. I love to re-create restaurant salads so I'll likely share a few of those with you all. I found another recipe for lemon bars and since I'm not a sugar addict I may try those as well.

D asked if my naturopath had anything good to say. She did. In addition to all the cellular stuff, she admired my working out. Ha! I think I'm horrible at sticking with that but I guess perspective is everything. I'm in week three of the Couch to 5k program. I'm also planning to start back up with Zumba this week and finally get to my last couple bootcamps. So yeah, I work out semi-regularly and generally I'm no longer sedentary since leaving cubicle serfdom. Now, according to my naturopath, I'm ready for the next step.

Homestudy & Profile

2010-07-04T12:44:00.001-05:00

Our homestudy is done. It's actually been done for a few weeks now but with vacation, work, celebrations, and life in general I've been derelict in my blogging. I know I tend to be gone for awhile then post like mad. Trust me, if I knew how to change the date stamp in Blogger for my posts so they wouldn't get lost in the mix then I'd write a bunch and dole them out slowly over a few days. But back to the homestudy! I think it went well.

Our case worker arrived fashionably late. I think this is to allow frantic parents-to-be the chance to finish up scrubbing tile grout, dusting light bulbs, and alphabetizing their media cabinet contents. We were doing none of these though, we were ready in time with baked goods. However, our house was also full of smoke, the smoke detector was going off, and said baked goods were a complete disaster.

I used the homestudy as an excuse to try a new dessert, a pretty yet seemingly simple dessert. I refused to purchase any number of round tart pans I saw. I finally found myself at Williams Sonoma, the evening before the homestudy, staring at the rectangle tart pan I wanted. However, I continued to stare because it was clearly smaller than the one used in the recipe. No size was stated in the recipe for the tart pan, and I wrongly assumed tart pans were standard - ya know like pie pans and loaf pans. Nope. I bought the WS tart pan and headed home to bake, hoping all would be fine!

I made the crust the night before and the filling. The morning of our homestudy, I spread the filling over the crust, placed my not-at-all-inexpensive fresh, organic apricots into the frangipane filling and put it in the oven. I should've put a pan under it, but I was in a hurry and while I did consider it, I thought the filling didn't seem like something that would bubble over. THAT was the mistake of the day. Being that my tart pan was on the small side, the filling bubbled over, poured over, goo'd over and basically found every and any way out of the tart pan that it could. It proceeded to burn all over the bottom of the oven.

I had asked D to check on it and by the time he did the damage was too far gone, and by the time I got into the kitchen alarms were going off and every single window was being opened and fan cranked. The tart had cooked long enough so I took it out and turned off the oven. Luckily I had made two desserts and the second had turned out, well decent which I rank below "good." Those were my vegan lemon bars. They never did setup fully and while they were delicious they were also ugly and soupy. Regardless though, the caseworker passed on any food; she didn't even want water. So much for all that.

She was there for just over two hours and the questions were not as difficult as I expected. It was the same stuff that will go into our profile. D described himself, then I had to add to it and vice versa. We had to discuss why our family was totally awesome but also what "opportunities" we felt we had here in Chateau Thompson. The example we were given is that some couples say they need to lose weight. So I guess anything can be an opportunity then because I'm not sure how weight issues reflect on parenting. Our opportunity was completing our home renovations - lame! I mean shouldn't we have had to get into the nitty gritty?

Trust me, I'm okay with it having been easy peasy. Maybe since we have a lil one who's made it over 2 years here without major damage she went easy on us? Her tour around our house was less involved than the ones we give to our friends. She had no desire to see the laundry room for instance which was actually a disappointment for D. I made him finish it before she came and apparently for no reason. Ha! I'm just glad it's done now.

After writing down our responses to her questions, taking our paperwork, completing our safety inspection, and explaining the process she took her quick partial tour and left. Then I devoured my lemon bars. I had planned to have those as breakfast as she snacked. I was famished. I also tried the tart. My poor tart. I might as well have cooked it over a campfire. It was smoky and goopy and generally disgusting. D's comment was that perhaps tarts are advanced baking. Pa-sha!

We're still waiting to get the final report from the court. That would be the report that the caseworker files after our meeting. She seemed to imply we'd passed. What we have gotten is our breakdown of how our first payment was spent and I was none too happy. We currently have $37 remaining. That's fine; we've known we'd be paying more. What's not fine is that for each of our 90 second phone calls, in which the front desk clerk rushes us off the phone, we are charged for 15 minutes! Wow. Let's just say my next call will be lengthy. The front desk clerk and I are gonna be bffs with all my chatting. Honestly, I'd rather be charged by the minute and have each minute be more expensive than be charged for at least 3x more minutes than were used.

Rant done.

We're currently working on our profile (or as some call it, life book). It's going to be spiral-bound and printed front and back, roughly 20 pages with text and full-color photos. I have it 80% completed. D needs to write more, and I need to add more photos. After that I'll be formatting and tweaking. This thing is a monster and it's taking forever! I'm sure it will be gorgeous when done and used for years by our lawyer as the shining example of what a book should look like. More importantly though, I think there's a birth mother out there that will read this and not surprisingly choose us!

Travel Blog

2010-06-21T15:13:00.002-05:00

I posted to my travel blog! I did; I really did! I actually had a vacation to post about - yeah! :)

Enjoy.

Main Blog (scroll down and work your way up)

Individual posts (with photos):

Cook Forest - not so long ago

Our trip day 1

Our trip day 2

Our trip day 3

I ♥ berry season

2010-06-07T13:32:00.008-05:00

We don't grow our own (yet), but with what's apparently a bumper crop of strawberries this year we don't have to grow our own. With that being said, we are trying to purchase local. This isn't easy when the Farmer's Market strawberries are so much more costly. To avoid the sticker shock, we went with a CSA (community supported agriculture) that offers fruit. We've already gotten our first delivery, which included a wooden pint box brimming with those red berries. They appeared to be the smaller, lop-sided cousins of the mammoths you see in the grocery store. I like that each is unique and getting a big berry is a big deal. While these berries weren't super sweet they were still really flavorful and delicious. I can barely wait until tomorrow's delivery.

This CSA is going to take a little getting used to, because I'm not sure how much I'll get each week or even what I'll get each week. I ended up already buying some produce for the weekend and beginning of the week knowing the local stuff will get me through the end of the week. I do try to buy local at the grocery but it's rather difficult outside of summer. I try to stop at Anderson's Market which is conveniently located near our Whole Foods. Both carry local produce and in-season WF's prices aren't quite as breath-taking. Anderson's is normally very reasonable though when you're dealing with the shipped in stuff from CA and FL they can't hold their own with the big box grocers.

I'm not sure how my love of berries has turned into a monologue on which grocery/market has the "best" produce. I currently have three different types of berries in my fridge right now. I have tasted them all and they are all delicious. I even got to discuss the seemingly unknown elderberry at a party this weekend. Berries, berries everywhere!

Everyone here loves berries - even D who's by far the pickiest eater here. J's been carrying around a toy tea kettle as his blueberry pail. And ever since our strawberry shortcake a couple weeks ago he's obsessed with "cake." Sweets fall into only three categories right now with J . . . cake (anything cake-like including pancakes), pie (he rarely gets pie but apparently remembers what it is) and cookies which is any small version of the previous two plus of course actual cookies. On National Donut Day he even had a donut which he licked all the glaze off of while repeating "num; mmmmmm; yummy," but he never took more than one bite of either donut. Yeah, he was double-fisting the donut holes. C'mon it WAS a national holiday!!!! Needless to say he seems to agree with D that donuts aren't all that great. Personally I very much enjoyed the donuts which I so rarely get.

Since I started with a doozy of a tangent let me go offsides a bit here too. My mom used to take me to a little bakery in downtown Sharon when we lived on the west hill. This was pre-siblings and pre-move to our later rural setting. I remember the cases full of shelves and shelves of sweets. What I cannot remember is the name of the bakery and neither can my mother. It's been closed for years; I think it was Tastee Bakery. Anyone know? It was downtown by the Post Office. Anyway, I'm not sure what all we bought there, but my memories are all about the donuts. No Dunkin' Donuts for us, thank you. I really want to find a small bakery around here like Tastee (I'm convinced it was Tastee Bakery). I know I can be weird and this supports that, but I'd prefer J have a less national-chain, shared memory of things and something more personalized. That is a benefit to a smaller town, and while I'm not moving back anytime soon (or ever - as my perks here are more plentiful), I definitely want to be weird and work to give J some small-town. I mean it's not like we live in an mega-metropolis.

Okay, back to berries or at least food. I have not baked anything lately. I feel like that's insulting to the fresh berries. Weirdness again, I know. I'll bake with them at the end of the season when they start getting a little iffy. I have been cooking though! I've tried out a few new recipes and tweaked versions of old. I didn't take any photos - I was too hungry. I think I need to start dinner sooner most days. Perhaps descriptions will interest you enough, and if you want a more detailed recipe just leave a comment and I'll get it to you.

First off I also love sandwiches. I was inspired by a brie and basil sandwich on chocolate bread that I saw on FoodGawker (I'm still addicted). I thought that was a little too close to dessert to even remotely pass for dinner so I used raisin bread. Clearly that screams dinner. It was essentially a grilled cheese. It was delicious. J gobbled it up. I didn't even hear any "eh, green" as he pulled out the basil . . . because he didn't pull it out; he gobbled it up along with the rest.

Next I re-created my favorite dinner on St. John. With all the restaurants to choose from, we normally visit Morgan's Mango twice to get this meal. It's so simple but sooooo good. It's the Vegetarian Plate which has veggies (duh), island rice, beans and plantains. The plantains make the meal (in my opinion). I mean the broccoli was good too but I have that all the time. It's hard to find ripe plantains here and I don't usually plan ahead well enough to allow time for ripening. This dish inspired me to pan-fry all my over-ripe bananas this year. J loves them that way, as do I and we get to hoard them all since again the picky D is not a fan.

My island rice lacked any sense of any island but it was still yummy. My beans however were wonderful and full of Caribbean flavor. The plantains were perfect and with J's sensitivity to broccoli we opt for grilled sweet potatoes (with a spicy little kick). Yum. We just needed some Ting to round it out . . . oh and a tan, snorkel exhaustion, and Love City atmosphere would've been nice too.

A final look into our culinary week would be our baked sweet potato lunch. J is not a fan of regular potatoes and since I didn't have the required sour cream for those anyway I went with sweet as well. I topped them with some chipotle seasoned, heavily buttered, corn and then cheddar cheese. Very yummy. I never liked sweet potatoes growing up and I think it was because I only ever saw them assaulted with marshmallow and syrup. I like their natural sweetness when their grilled, but they are equally good balanced with a little spice.

We'll see how I do this week. I have two packages of veggie dogs, fixings to mimic a local hot dog shop, and D's father's day gift (an enormous grill) is assembled and ready. I think I'll also be working hard to get J to eat zucchini which so far he hates. I'm hoping AJ's simple sauce & cheese recipe will win him over as it did me oh so many years ago when I was on the fence about this little summer squash. I'll try to be better with photos as well . . . okay I will be better with photos. I know, there is no "try" there is only "do" and "do not."

In the meantime, enjoy the end of spring everyone.

Enchiladas

2010-05-25T15:08:00.010-05:00

One afternoon last week, while J and D were playing outside and friends (unbeknown to us) were planning a Thai adventure, I made dinner. Had we not missed our friends' call I could have continued on my streak of foraging in the cupboards, getting takeout, or eating cereal for dinner. We always have plenty of food for J though I admit I'm not too creative and cycle through the same handful of options, poor guy. But at least he always has a well-balanced meal.
Anyway, back to the fairy tale turned reality. . . I found inspiration for dinner online in two different places. I'd bookmarked a creamy vegan bean & corn enchilada recipe knowing full well I'd make it non-vegan. That evening a chicken three- cheese enchilada recipe presented itself with a very simple homemade sauce. This was perfect considering the only thing I lacked for enchiladas was sauce. I merged the sauce of one recipe with the vegetarian filling of the other. I happened to have heavy whipping cream in the house and cut it with whole milk to achieve the half and half the recipe called for - I don't normally have heavy cream in the fridge. I think milk would work too, though it may need a bit of a roux to thicken it up.
D described these as "Paula Dean" enchiladas because they were that rich. They were soooooooo good.

Giving credit where credit is due, these are:

Three cheese, creamy black bean & corn enchiladas.

(In our house they will be referred to as "those" enchiladas; the ones that all others will be measured against.)

INGREDIENTS:

Filling:

1 can black beans, rinsed

1 cup frozen corn (or canned)

1 can fire roasted tomatoes (drained)

1 tsp nutritional yeast (optional)

2 TBS cream cheese

1 1/2 tsp cumin

1/4 tsp red pepper

salt & pepper to taste

Sauce:

3/4 cup heavy whipping cream

3/4 cup milk

juice from drained tomatoes (~1/4 cup)

1 1/2 tsp cumin

1/4 tsp red pepper

salt & pepper to taste

For Assembly:

feta cheese

cheddar cheese

4-6 medium sized tortillas

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat Oven to 350

In a saute pan combine black beans, corn, and drained tomatoes (reserve the juice ~1/4 cup). You likely can't get all the juice out of the tomatoes and that's good. You only need about 1/4 cup (or less) of juice for the sauce. Add cumin, red pepper, salt, pepper and heat.

In a small sauce pan combine all ingredients for sauce. Heat on low/medium-low and stir often, being careful not to scorch the milk/cream mixture.

Once the beans and corn mixture is warm add the cream cheese and nutritional yeast, stir and continue to heat until cheese melts and mixture becomes creamy.

Keep stirring your cream sauce! Taste and adjust seasoning to your liking.

Heat tortillas in the microwave until pliable (~ 30 seconds for six tortillas)

Lay tortilla flat and line the center with filling. Top with feta cheese. Roll tortilla, place seam-side down in pan. [I used a 9x9 square pan for 4 tortillas (I only had 4! I had plenty of filling left over for 6 tortillas). Use a larger 9x12 pan for 6 tortillas.]

Repeat until tortillas and filling are gone. Pour sauce over the top. Sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Bake in oven for 10 minutes. Allow to cool for 5 minutes before serving.

No offense to our friends, whose company we would have enjoyed, but these were worth missing dinner. Try them. You'll agree - they are fantastic. This is not my first time at the rodeo with enchiladas, but these out-shine all the others that in comparison I would call disasters. And let me know if you use only milk, or something else, in place of the cream!

Notarized - Copied - Presented

2010-05-18T15:53:00.003-05:00

Though all's been quiet on the adoption front it doesn't mean we haven't been busy. We've been scurrying about getting physicals, clearances, inspections, driving records and references. With only the child abuse and neglect clearances absent, we decided we should get our papers into our attorney so the process could get moving. We took our stack of papers up to the bank yesterday morning right when they opened. Thankfully J was his normal toddler self, climbing the chairs and attempting to run off with their keypad. This saved us from trying to be sold any new products or moved into "better" accounts. We got a stamp and a signature and took off.

I made copies of everything - all 30 or 40 pages of application and clearances. I didn't want any of that getting lost somehow. Then I hand delivered it to our attorney just before they closed. Today doesn't feel any different. I wonder if they filed it or if it's sitting in their own "to copy" pile or outbox. There was only one person in the waiting area when I was there - a young woman. Of course I wondered if she was a birth mother. I went so far as to think perhaps I should get a photo into our life book in which I'm wearing the exact same outfit she saw me in yesterday for that split second. Lots of assumptions there, I know, but I'm going to just believe that's normal.

The two big things on the horizon are the life book and the homestudy. The latter is nerve-wracking. The social worker will spend a couple hours in our home with us and J. He or she will look over the whole place and ask us a ton of questions. Now we'll be glad we've been through Pre-Cana! We've got a few things still unpacked and the new baby's room is a catch-all. So we've got our work cut out for us. I'm thinking of this as the same housework blitz we did to stage our house last spring at this time. We realized we were listing in 3 weeks and had a page-long to do list. D's going to have to tap back into that momentum again. On the bright side, our house sold in 30 days, in what was still a slow market. I think we'll have the same luck (not sure that's the right term - guess it depends on your belief system) with adoption.

The life book is in some ways easier but in many ways more difficult than the homestudy. This will be what each birth mother sees. This has to be a representation of ourselves and our life on paper and in photos. That's not that easy. Answering the tough questions isn't that easy either. You can't write what you think someone wants to hear; that's bad on multiple levels. You have to get in-touch with an honesty that may not be comfortable. And in all fairness to human nature, you want to put that honesty in the best light possible. Our attorney gave us some examples, good and bad to help guide us. We've chosen the method where we'll both answer the questions and then somehow weave them together. First we have to answer the questions though - all of them. We've both started and we've both quit with many of the same blanks.

We'll keep you updated. We'll also be looking for some eager readers to help us out. Poor AJ can't do it all.

Food, Glorious Food

2010-05-16T13:30:00.016-05:00

I have a new obsession . . . FoodGawker. I visit at least daily. It's a photo-listing of new blog entries on what else, food. It's searchable and you can save favorites. No more over-full bookmark folders or getting bogged down following way too many food blogs. Even as a vegetarian, there are a ridiculous number of blogs out there I could follow. I don't plan on making my own tempeh or seitan though so I just assume not see those posts. Also, I'm not fond of the blogger's ruts like the one that keeps posting pancake recipes (and only pancake recipes). I want ideas. I need inspiration.

One of the recipes I found and quickly saved to my favorites was Rhubarb Galette. I made it for Mother's Day brunch. Yes, I made brunch on Mother's Day. My mom was in town so it was for her. D helped. I was in charge of sweets and he took savory. He made a delicious crustless spinach quiche. D hates the term "galette" as it makes him think of Gilette and shaving cream. He insisted I Google it to find out what it was, how it was pronounced, etc. Considering I love research and I love odd facts, I was already planning to Google 'galette.' Turns out it's pronunciation is straight-forward just as it sounds and it's simply a rustic pie that's not in a pan. They can be savory or sweet and their crust often contains corn meal.
I love rhubarb. Considering it's in-season there were plenty of recipes for me to choose from on FoodGawker. Personally, I never mix strawberry with my rhubarb so that reduced the number of recipes I was willing to make. I didn't have to search long. The galette looked so simple (not as in simple to make but simple as in plain & unadorned); it was an obvious choice.

The galette being assembled.

The finished galette. It was delicious.

While I've found dozens of recipes I want to make, including some vegan lemon bars and candied lemons to top them, I opted to make more granola yesterday. I bought all the ingredients during the Mother's Day shopping trip in hopes of making them then. I always think I can fit more into the day than actually ever happens. I made a tropical version yesterday with macadamias, pineapple, mango, extra coconut, and candied ginger. I only put chocolate chips on half the pan and I was sure to keep them on top this time so they'd remain intact. I really liked this version, possibly more than the first. I just need a tropical drink . . . ooooh, or better yet a tropical setting in which to eat them.

Done & ready to eat.

Tropical Granola: ready for it's close-up.

Last but not least, I found a link on FoodGawker that wasn't a recipe. It was a request for votes on which reader submitted the worst meal(s) they were served by a parent, grandparent, or other family member. They were both revolting and hilarious. It got me to thinking and remembering. My mom cooked for years until my father took over because in-part he apparently liked cooking more than she did. Now everyone tells me his food is fabulous but it's a vegetarian's nightmare. I couldn't tell you how it is. I tried to recall the meals I had that my mom made and they were all really normal compared to those mentioned on this blog. I'm sure one of my siblings could of and/or did love the meals I didn't like. I'd say my least favorite meal that I was regularly served was mini-pizza on hamburger buns. It was made by "spreading" raw hamburger onto hamburger buns and then popping them into the oven. They get topped with some sauce and cheese. The burger turned the white bread burger bun a bit slimy. I really hated them. I've been trying to recreate quite a few of my childhood dishes into vegetarian options, but that won't be one of them. So if you check out the blog and have a contender, their contest is over but I'd love to hear your horror stories! :)

Question

2010-05-13T15:12:00.002-05:00

I'm working on an adoption update. I'm also working on getting some pictures up from Mother's Day. I'm a bit behind. Probably because I'm a bit busy too!

I'm "reading" (read: skimming) a book about someone who created in interesting home-based business. I'm not sure how old the author was when they started the business but it formed out of what seemed like a "what should I do when I grow up' moment. Been there. Maybe I'm still there. How long can a quarter-life crisis last anyway? Can it run right into a mid-life crisis? Hmmm. Well, considering my issue is only employment related I don't think it's considered a crisis of any sort (anymore - that quarter-life thing is real though people, what's up with that?!?!).
I spent half my time in college as "undecided" and while I should have enjoyed the wealth of liberal arts options at my liberal arts school, I didn't. Only a handful of months after graduating with my science degree and plans for post-graduate schooling, I found myself (my entire self) inside a dog kennel with a bottle of diluted bleach. You don't want to know what I was cleaning off every surface surrounding me
Though it wasn't my first or last time cleaning kennels, I thought to myself, 'self, what the hell are you doing; is this really THE plan?' Within three months I had an office job related to photography. Didn't take me long to realize, though I loved the job, I wasn't going to be doing photography. Not that my job required it, but I still don't "get" all the relationships of aperture, f-stop, lighting, etc. Someday I'll learn to use my DSLR in manual mode. Someday.

Fill in a few years of "blah blah blah" and you'll find me glad to have the "out" that is Jack. An out as in a time out, a time out from the cage (or cubicle, same difference). I'm really happy to be home playing with matchbox, learning to decipher toddler-speak, baking, cleaning, and yes even changing diapers. Someday though little ones will be in school. What will I do with myself then? And more importantly what do I do with my brain now so it doesn't turn to toddler-mush?

Well, when I find a moment of quiet time, like the author of the home-based business book, I plan to ask myself the same questions she did. I already have a gut response to them and I tend to trust those (intrigued? check out my other blog where I expound on this: Squash the Inner Critic).

What I'm interested in is hearing from you. Because I know a few of you I was jealous of in college with your solid knowledge of what you wanted to do have ended up in my camp. What about the rest of you? Have you had or are you in the midst of your own 'what should I be when I grow up' crisis? How would you answer the questions below? I'm interested to know; comment away!

"What would I love to do tomorrow? . . . Could I lose track of time doing? And wouldn't care if someone paid me or not?"

Spring Photos

2010-04-25T20:15:00.008-05:00

It rained all day today. At times it was thundering and at other times there was just a quiet drizzle. There were even a few bursts of sunshine in-between. It was a perfectly lazy Sunday. I spent some time between the showers taking a few photos. Everything looks very green and lush, including the lawn that will be overdue to be mowed once this system passes.

One of the many dandy lions in our yard.

Our baby evergreen has all sorts of new growth!

My mom came into town this weekend and part of what she brought was a bag full of cut lilacs. The house smells amazing!

Our demure little dogwood hides in the towering white pine beside it.

We have no idea what this plant is; I went to get a closer look and saw what perhaps are flowers about to bloom??? We'll see.

Deliciously Easy Peanut Butter Cookies

2010-04-25T19:06:00.004-05:00

After making the granola recipe last week, I got to thinking about my plan to create a version of it that would mimic a local restaurant's peanut butter cookie. With a bin full of granola bars, I thought I'd just tackle it as a cookie. I had no idea how easy it would be! I googled the cookies over at All Recipes and found one with great reviews and only THREE ingredients. I decided something that easy was worth a try. The reviewers did not lead me astray - these cookies are really good. They will become a staple. I can already see a lovely little Hershey kiss sitting upon them when I make holiday cookies. If only Daffin's made kisses. I've been shaving bits of my chocolate bunny off onto these cookies! Delicious. Enjoy!

Below is the recipe, as found here on All Recipes.

1-cup peanut butter
1-cup white sugar
1 egg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Combine all ingredients.
Drop by teaspoon onto a baking sheet.
Bake 8 minutes.

The recipe mentions it does not make many so I doubled it. I also baked the cookies on parchment paper as the recipe did not indicate whether the sheets should be greased or ungreased. Lastly, I did make a change to the recipe by adding a 4th ingredient (vanilla) as well as a 5th for half the batter (salted peanuts). That local restaurant I mentioned, North Star, has salted peanuts covering every inch of the top of their very large cookies. I decided to go that route with half. The mix of sweet and salty is wonderful. I'm not a huge peanut fan so I think I will add a pinch of salt to the batter next time to achieve more depth. They'll still be super easy.

My KIND of Granola Bars

2010-04-20T15:33:00.000-05:00

I have a particular MO when it comes to baking. I get in the mood for something, usually some healthier (and magically lower calorie) version of an old favorite. Once I've searched and found a couple good recipes I bookmark them and make plans to bake. Inevitably next I realize I don't need baked goods and neither does anyone else here. I have plenty of opportunity to bake for others but somehow I think of this just after an opportunity and then forget by the time the next chance arrives. In the end I'm left with quite a few bookmarked recipes and nothing more.

This time I decided to act. I wasn't looking for a baked good as much as a protein packed snack for J. He loves cookies, ah don't we all, and I'm looking to sneak things like flax and protein into something cookie-like. I've been calling these "granola cookies" for him and hope that means granola gets added to his list of yummy things.

I was inspired by the Kind bars. I wanted something very plain but with smaller nut pieces for J. I googled "kitchen sink" muffins, cookies and granola and looked through a surprisingly large number of recipes before coming upon the one I ended up using. My version below is adapted from this recipe over at The Lunchbox Bunch.

Below is my version of the recipe. I anticipate these will be making an appearance at many parks and playgrounds this spring and summer. They were our snack at the zoo today. All J could say last night and again today was "nom, nom, yummy." It's all the feedback I need, and I completely agree with him!

My KIND of Granola Bars

2 C. oats 
1/3 C. Maple Syrup
1/3 C. Honey
1/4 C. brown sugar
5 Tbsp butter or margarine
1/4 C. Flax seed meal
1/4 C. wheat germ 
1 1/2 C. Dried fruit assortment 
1 C. Unsweetened shredded coconut (or more fruit/grains) 
1 1/2 C. Chopped nuts (assorted) 
1/2 C. Seeds (sunflower, sesame, poppy, etc.) 
1 Tbsp Vanilla extract 
1 1/2 tsp spices (cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, and pumpkin pie spice)
1 1/2 C. chocolate chips
1/2 tsp salt *adjust salt based on how many of your nuts are pre-salted 
spray canola or olive oil  

Directions:  

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees.  

2. Layer parchment paper or foil in a casserole dish (or grease the insides with canola or olive oil).  

3. Over low heat, toast your flax seed meal, wheat germ and coconut in a dry pan for about 1 minute. Transfer toasted meal to large mixing bowl.

4. Add oats to dry pan and toast for about 2 minutes; then transfer to bowl with other toasted ingredients.

5. Measure fruit and seed ingredients and place in large mixing bowl. Toss well.

6. Place pan (used to toast ingredients) over medium heat. Add the butter/margarine, liquid and dry sweeteners, vanilla extract, salt and cinnamon. Heat until it has melted together and becomes bubbly. Pour the hot liquid into the mixing bowl. Stir well until the mixture is thick, firm and well combined.  

7. Pour the entire mixture into your lined casserole dish. Add any toppings (chocolate/crushed nuts/other).

8. Bake at 300 degrees for 35 minutes. 

9. Allow to cool for one hour before slicing into bars. Allow to fully cool in fridge for storage. Bars will become chewy and firm in a cold fridge.

Makes one casserole (9x12) sized pan of bars.

I altered the ingredient list to what I had on-hand, and to my general preferences. These bars are nearly vegan and if you replace the honey with agave nectar and use margarine they will be completely vegan. I also changed the prep a bit. I can say one thing from both the original recipe and my version is that cooling in the refrigerator until the bars are completely cool (about 1 hour) is crucial. If you don't cool them you will have granola, very yummy granola but it won't retain the bar shape.

One thing I changed in this recipe that I will not do again, was that I added chocolate chips to the mixing bowl of ingredients and that created a sort of no-baked cookie taste because the chocolate melted. Next time I will add them as a topping so the chips maintain their form. The only other negative was that these bars are significantly crumblier than the Kind bars. I'll have to work on that in future batches.

Speaking of future batches, I plan to try different versions of these. Next up will be a tropical version with more coconut, tropical fruit, tropical nuts (definitely some macadamias), and maybe even some citrus zest. After that I'm going to try to create a nice sweet but salty peanut butter version. I'm thinking of North Star's peanut butter cookies as my goal. Adjust these however you like, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination! ENJOY!

Raw

2010-04-19T20:36:00.005-05:00

Tonight was the last night of adoption class. The first four weeks were general and the last four weeks were for those interested in domestic adoption. That's us.
I didn't have high expectations for tonight based on the syllabus. And I realize now that the speaker tonight was the same woman that spoke on a similar topic 3 years ago when I took the core track. The topic was specific to public adoption through the county system. Most, if not all children coming through the county are considered special needs regardless of what issues they may have. She implied that termination of parental rights was enough to qualify them as such.
Termination of parental rights. It was an underlying current all evening. She had professional anecdotes here and there and sometimes they were very unpleasant. I will spare you.
Once she was done we had a panel of adoptive parents and adult adoptees speak to us and answer our questions. Their experiences were pretty varied. I feel like I was able to take something away from each of their stories. I really appreciated each of them spending time with us when they could have been relaxing at home. Our third speaker nearly brought me to tears, or I should say did bring me to tears but not until I was driving home. Her third daughter has had some very difficult experiences. And while I'm not certain that she was ever abused, she was around it.
I'm sure I'm not going to be very "pc" here and I know that's unlike me. Before becoming a parent I would have still wondered this but now that I am a parent I'm really dumbfounded with people. As someone who feels guilty for a killing a spider and does not eat meat because I cannot take a life, I find it unfathomable how someone can harm a child let alone their very own child. I am really confused and heartbroken for the children who don't make it out of abuse situations including those who have died. Our third speaker's daughter had both a biological brother and adoptive brother die due to abuse and neglect at the hands of separate sets of parents before arriving in her family. Again, I will spare you the details. Normally I would say I wish I'd been spared them and maybe that's the case still. I'm not sure.
I know in my heart going forward with private adoption is right for us now. I've also had a nagging suspicion even before tonight that public adoption may also be in our future down the road. It's frightening and worrisome to me to have a child I am responsible to help move past issues and baggage they may carry. I worry I won't be able to be what they need. At the same time I really feel like we'll go that route anyway because I'm not one to let fear win.
I titled this post "raw" because our last speaker used the term repeatedly in describing her emotions. She apologetically broke down while talking to us but it was clearly a sort of cathartic thing for her. The term is extremely fitting for how I'm feeling and I'm not sure how to feel better about it.

Freshman

2010-04-14T15:25:00.008-05:00

I'm beginning to suspect the application process is like that freshman class in college used as the first step in weeding out anyone without the necessary requirements. In this case that would be organizational skill and patience. I know we're on a path that will take months (and months). I wonder if anyone does drop out during this first phase. We left our first attorney appointment with a 2-inch stack of papers to fill out or have various professionals fill out for us. Upon paying our retainer fee, we received more paperwork. I thought I was being an over-achiever in getting my 3-ring binder ahead of time. Nope; I got one that is far too small.
We're diligently working through our stack of papers. I get really excited each time we can move papers out of the binder or into a finished pile, probably because it takes awhile with each piece needing a separate approach. We have our reference letters out being written and our child abuse and neglect clearances out as well. I was supposed to get my medical records and physical done this week but my doctor cancelled. Doesn't she know I'm in a weed-out class?

Yesterday I embarked on BCI and FBI clearances (the former is for our state and of course the latter is federal/nationwide). We didn't need to do the FBI unless we were going across state lines. We figured it was better to get it done just in case. I made D do his fingerprints first since we had to visit the sheriff's office and that seemed potentially confusing. I'm not that familiar with downtown streets let alone the labyrinth of buildings in that area (plus all the construction). This was a very good decision. While it was a very simple process, I would never have thought to follow the signs for concealed carry permits. Makes sense that they need clearances and that that's likely more popular than getting them for adoption. I'm thinking 'BCI/FBI Clearances' would have made a nice sign though too. Can I not assume the concealed carry people know they are there for clearances as well? There wasn't even anyone to ask for directions so I'm glad I had D's guidance. Of course even with all that I managed to show up without my ID. I knew I needed it but I had taken it out of my wallet and forgot to put it back. Brilliant. On top of that they were closing in 1-hour and my gas light was on, which normally would not be an issue, but as stated I'm not very familiar with downtown.
I made it home, got my ID, got gas, and got back to the sheriff's office before they closed. I was told I have very light fingerprints. Interesting. I wonder if that means they'd be easy to alter or remove if I'm ever on the lamb. Not to worry, it's not in my 5 or 10-year plan.
It seems to take about 4 weeks to get any sort of paperwork back. That's the estimate for BCI, FBI and the child abuse/neglect clearances. The latter of those three were to be returned to us so we're hoping the BCI and FBI were to come here too since that's what we did. I just plan to leave everything sealed in it's envelope and hand it over to the attorney. Even after reading through both stacks of paperwork I still feel a little confused on some of these details.

Based on my reading, I believe I'm gathering all of this information to be included in our application for permission to adopt, which we will receive from our county. Once they get the application they do a homestudy. Then they grant us permission to adopt. Once that occurs (which it will because frankly we're awesome) we can give our profile to our lawyer. It will go in his waiting list and then eventually the active list. All the while we can be marketing ourselves (within the confines of the law in Ohio). Have I mentioned that it's illegal for anyone to advertise for adoption unless you are an agency? We've also been told over and over that that law is not enforced. Still I'm such a goody-goody that I can't see myself purposefully or blatantly breaking that law (don't roll your eyes - I'm compelled to be this way; I'm the oldest child & I didn't know they were bluffing). I'd much rather be in the dark about the law's finer points so I can break it accidentally.

All in all the wheels are in motion; there's all kinds of paperwork out and about for us. Our 'to do' stack is getting smaller than the done stack. Everyone has been really helpful when we ask for a letter or anything really. With all that, I'm still failing the patience part of the weed-out course. I just want my homestudy already. I've convinced myself that once the homestudy is complete and my profile is at the attorney's office I'll be able to relax and be patient. I will not listen to that little voice in my head laughing away at that. Nope [insert fingers in ears]; I don't hear you.

New Look, New Title, same blog

2010-04-11T14:50:00.002-05:00

Clearly I've changed the title and look of this blog. I loved the previous background/template, but I felt like it's always had readability issues. I'd also out-grown the sentiment so it was simply time for a change. I'd outgrown the title too. 'Somewhere In-Between' aptly described me earlier but I don't feel that way anymore. I'm much more solidly in the present.

I didn't get any name suggestions, but regardless I have a new name and I think it's very appropriate. I'm very aware that I tend to think out loud. Add that to my having a blog and it really becomes living out loud. I wanted a new look to go with the name and I think I found it. Hope you enjoy it.

With the new look, and the new name will come new content also. I'll of course still be writing utterly useless things about my pet peeves, obsessions, and of course myself. I'll also be including recipes every now and then. I've had requests for vegetarian recipes and so I'll be sharing them here in case others want them too. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I'll also be documenting our journey to add to our family via adoption. We're really excited about this so I suspect this could take over a bit. Bear with me. Lastly, I plan to include quite a few photos. Spring has sprung and my camera and I are busting out. I'm not a trained photographer but I'm a very visual person and love to be creative.

I'm also signing up for Networked Blogs, an application on Facebook, so that all my posts will be shown over there. We'll see how (or if) this changes the blog's dynamic.

The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind. - Maya Angelou

When you're finished changing, you're finished. - Benjamin Franklin

new name

2010-04-04T14:02:00.002-05:00

Okay, this isn't really a roll call but it is a request for something so I would appreciate any (ANY) suggestions you have. I don't feel like this blog's title is appropriate any longer. "Somewhere in between" doesn't really describe me currently and I need a new name. I don't want to change my basenjiowned url though or move the blog. So . . . . any ideas? I'm thinking an reader might have a great idea since you all probably see more of the forest than just the trees here.

Thanks!

the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker

2010-03-31T13:48:00.003-05:00

I'm clearly not grown up yet. I've determined this because, with the exception of being a mom, I have no idea what I want to be or do . . . when I grow up. I thought this was something I would figure out in college as I diligently went to class (nearly each and every one) carrying with me the knowledge I was "undeclared." It's all good and fine to be undeclared but you still have to take classes and unless you want to stay all summer (each and every summer) or start tacking on a fifth or sixth year then these classes are determining your major. That's how I graduated as a biology major. Sometime in the next year as I crawled into a large steel cage to scrub the last remnants of dog feces off the back, I realized this wasn't for me. Animal rescue was where I could fulfill my desire to help animals. Veterinary school, I decided, was a way to get even farther into debt and a sure fire way to prevent myself from being able to become a stay-at-home parent.

I never applied to veterinary school, and I didn't even attempt to find a calling after that. I applied for a job I still feel I was totally unqualified to get (not unqualified to do), but I got it. I learned a ton and I loved it. I ended up leaving it about seven years later not because I wanted to but because I needed to grow; I was stagnant. I'll skip the next two positions I held at the company because really they just lead to my becoming a stay-at-home mom. They gave me the experience I needed to freelance and the 'I'm so over it' I needed to make the leap.

So here I am, and I have to say I'm heading down a path that in my mind ends in one of two places . . . I will either be wildly successful and you will see me tearing up as Oprah interviews me OR I will end up as the crazy, jumping from one thing to another mom who is exponentially more embarrassing than the already very embarrassing "normal" mom.

Ah, yes laugh.

Job one for me is "homemaker," and I gotta say, I hate that word! It's weird and old-fashioned to me. Let me re-start, job one for me is stay-at-home mom (which is longer to write but more appealing to me so I'll suffer with the extra keystrokes). Job two is the very limited amount of freelance work I do, and if I continue in this limited capacity I will not be able to call myself a freelancer for much longer. Job three is the apparel company I started. I need to devote a lot more time to this one. It's on the cusp of where I could grow it into something really good. If I leave it for too long, like a houseplant it'll shrivel and die. I recognize it needs tending, but I'm a terrible gardener and apparently I'm no Trump either.

I'm easily distracted. I feel like I should take this opportunity to try things out but then I have too many plates spinning. I also lose interest in things when they get confusing, not difficult but confusing. I can handle the stress of something difficult but I freeze up when I'm confused. I think I'm looking for something that will come somewhat naturally to me, like being at home with J.

Why am I confessing all of this? Because today I want to (again) become a baker. Seriously, you ask. Seriously!?!? Well, yeah why not. There are all these recipes that look so yummy and everyone loves sweets! I'm not talking about opening a storefront, just baking here for us (for starters). Of course, I have no need for sweets (see "blogcation" post), and I can think this through logically and tell myself to let this one go. I have enough going on and clearly this is a distraction from coming up with something to send as a query to my regional parenting publication. I can come back to baker when the kiddos are in school and I have a purpose for baking - after school snack anyone?

Up next - modern day Mrs. Ingalls right here in suburban Ohio! That's right. Landscapers are coming tomorrow to start our master plan. In it I will be sure they make room for my garden as well as raspberry, blackberry and elderberry plants along the back fence. I'll need all of this for canning (okay, and baking).

I'm really not sure what my deal is, but I can say after the cathartic experience of writing this blog I can see the battle lines are clearly drawn. This appears to be a struggle between modern, career mom and old-fashioned homemaker. I'm not sure there are enough hours in the day or enough energy in my body to accomplish both. Maybe I should consider starting to drink coffee (gag).

Adoption Makes 4

2010-03-30T12:43:00.004-05:00

We've decided to adopt. I *think* I'm prepared for the roller coaster ride of our current adventure, but I have to admit I'm hoping it's like an old steel favorite, the Magnum, thrilling, smooth and relatively short.

We've decided to go the route of private domestic adoption. For those who don't know, here is some basic information on the types of adoption:

Domestic Private - this is done through an agency and/or attorney and is usually associated with those who want to adopt an infant; this route can take a year or more and it can be very pricey.
Domestic Public - in our area this would be an adoption (or foster-to-adopt) through our county; these children can range in age and often you may find sibling groups in need of a home.
Inter-Country - this is an adoption of a child from another country; based on the length of time for a match and to finalize in that country adopting an infant is rare

I'm taking an adoption class through the Adoption Academy at Capital Universityy. I've learned quite a bit there in the CORE track, however, they are not able to give out specific contacts as that would be a conflict of interest. Researching agencies, lawyers and support groups has been tough. You would think in this age of Internet it would be easier. After researching what we could and talking to a few people we did find enough information to make a choice and to feel confident and happy with that choice.We opted to go with a lawyer and do private adoption strictly through him versus using an agency instead of or in addition to him.

Now we're working through an enormous stack of paperwork which includes getting our fingerprints and clearances, a fire inspection as well as a home study and safety inspection, copies of our driving records and last but not least medical exams. All of this must be done before we can be pre-approved by the court to adopt. Once we are pre-approved we can work on our profile or life book.

The profile is like a little magazine all about us. It's for a birth mother to view so she can get an idea of what our family, values, marriage, and day-to-day lives are like. It's extensive and surprisingly difficult to write. After the writing will come the re-writing and then the addition of photos. Once it's good to go we'll print it on some glossy paper and have it bound somehow (I've not researched this yet). This will sit at our attorney's office in a set of files deemed the "waiting to be active" group.

Our lawyer works with exactly 20 adoptive families at a time. As they successfully adopt their spots are filled by the likes of us, the waiting to be active set. We're in the middle, behind the actives but a step ahead of the call-in group. This group calls each month to see if there is room for them on the active list. When space is available the one calling the most and the longest gets in, aka the squeaky wheel. This group has not put the attorney on retainer yet and if they have a life book or home study completed most likely he does not have it yet. We chose our path because sometimes a birth mother does not like her 20 options and asks for additional options. When this occurs our attorney pulls out the profiles from our 'waiting to be active' group for her to read and sometimes she choose one of those families.

We're informed and realistic on the amount of time, money, energy and stress this process will likely take. However, with that said I'm remaining positive. I may even be going beyond that into confident that we will have a new little soul in our family sooner than later.

Stay tuned.

"Blogcation"

2010-03-07T15:54:00.005-05:00

I had a really bad day on Friday but only a couple of hours of bad and it's the sort of bad that you look back on and laugh. In fact it's the sort of bad that you know in the moment isn't funny but is being handled in a ridiculously melodramatic fashion by none other than yourself. With that said, it's the type of melodramatic, soon-to-be-funny bad that will likely play out in exactly the same fashion in the future because it's driven completely by emotion . . . um, yeah I'll say it, teenage emotion that I am confident lives in us all not just in me. Maybe that's why I was so well-behaved and adult on Saturday? Anyway, I know I'm being cryptic so hopefully this helps. I'm not sure how far back to go. I'll just start at the end and work my way back until even I'm sick of it all.

I'm sitting here on Sunday in sweatpants. I see nothing wrong with this. I love it actually. What I don't love is the fact that I'm in said sweatpants for one, well okay two reasons. The first is that I'm behind on laundry. But anyone who knows me knows that I can be weeks behind on laundry and still have plenty of things to wear. So the second reason is that nothing really fits. I had to come to the realization my dryer was not to blame a few weeks ago. My holiday gift request was cash that I could use for sessions with my trainer, as if I could still call her that after not seeing her for months (years). I've started out with working out five days a week which was just unreasonable. Mainly I couldn't hog everyday for myself when D wanted to get to the gym and have his Loomsmen bookclub or whatever they call it. So I opted for fewer days but longer sessions. I've settled into 3-4 days a week with a mix of cardio, resistance and ab work.

I have to say it - I hate scales? This is why I do not use them and do not own one. I managed to lose, gain, lose in a seemingly normal though frustrating manner until the one week that I gained 8lbs in 36-hours. Really?!?! Considering I was not gorging on lard or bricks that's just stupid. So I only climb on a scale for my trainer and I hate it because, as I just said, it's stupid. I rely on my clothing to tell me what's working. I don't want to worry about fat weighing less than muscle. Do my clothes fit or not? That's it; end of story. Well, the answer is no, my clothes STILL do not fit.

And while I love D, I do not appreciate the male need to offer suggestions, fixes or ideas of any sort to me when I've tried on every pair of pants I own (with the exception of sweats pants, workout pants, and the one pair of maternity pants I still have). I will address these here as perhaps you too are wondering if perhaps the reason my clothing does not fit is because . . .

my thyroid meds need adjusted - hmm, could be but the lovely docs don't feel a need to have me in the upper portion of the range apparently; regardless I will make an appointment to be poked and prodded and I'll leave the nurse a note for the doc that requests I be bumped. Nearly 15 years after diagnosis, I can tell you what I'll hear back is "you're within range; maintain current Rx" I will spare you the ensuing @$!*# I'll be thinking though politely not saying to Mr. Nurse.
I'm not working out enough for me - insert @$!*# from above
I've eaten pancakes three times in as many weeks - yes, this IS true but still, please see answer above plus "pancakes, really? it's not like I'm living off some sort of IHOP super stack bobbing around in syrup"

I think the top three will do it. You get the idea. For clarification though, I went to the gym Friday morning and did half an hour of cardio followed by an hour of my trainer's bootcamp. I showered there and was ready for the day but my shoes hurt. I was passing home on the way to the errands so I stopped to change shoes. That lead to me changing pants because honestly they were just too uncomfortably tight too. I ended up 1 hour later leaving the house in designer jeans and heels because I could not bring myself to hem the expensive jeans which thankfully still fit. That hour involved a good deal of stress though I'm happy to say no tears. I did try on 99% of the pants I own (yes that would be a large number of pants) and I will admit I did dump all my folded clean laundry into piles on the floor and then I dug around in them like an angry gopher looking for something - anything that would work.

Today everything is folded again though, ah-hem, still not put away. I'm still super frustrated that I'm working out like a fiend with no results. By the way, I'm not someone that enjoys working out. I've opted for classes that are more enjoyable than chaining myself to an elliptical for an hour, and you would need to chain me to get me to stay that long, but I'd still rather do something else. I'm trying to take a harder look at what I eat. I did Weight Watchers about eight years ago and lost a decent amount. So basically I know how to take a hard look at what I'm eating. I just don't want to be that harsh so for now I'm making a conscious effort to eat more salads and other veggies. It's pretty sad when the only green vegetable a vegetarian (or anybody) eats in a day are the green beans off their toddler's plate. J hates green beans. In defense of my diet though, I don't eat horribly by any means but I can do better. I will admit Friday's episode did lead me to seek solace in a box of Samoas. That implies I ate the whole box, c'mon I could not legitimately whine here for everyone to read if I ate an entire box of Samoas, I had three . . . cookies, not boxes. Geesh!

Anyway, no matter what size is written on the label in your clothes if they don't fit comfortably it's bad. If you're working hard to make them fit (or to lower the number there) and it's not happening then it's clearly worse. I think most everyone has been there, hence why I think looking back my behavior was comical, but I also know I would behave that way again. I mean, seriously I'm sure I've done that before and in the heat of moment I did it again two days ago. I'm also not letting the thyroid, pancakes or pansy workouts that are apparently to blame win. I'm just going to keep working out, eat better, and channel my inner Jenny (yeah, that's my feisty sister) when I talk to Mr. Nurse.

I'll keep you posted; spring shopping is right around the corner with bathing suit shopping hot in it's heels. I think I can skip that last one though.

Now I'd better go put my clothes away; maybe I can get that gorilla (let's call him "blogcation") in the corner to help me.

moved & settled but not unpacked

2009-08-05T12:03:00.006-05:00

I should take a pic of my new view from here.  I used to have my computer in the 
living room looking out across my front porch onto the busy road.  It was nice to 
see the world whirling about.  Now though I look out onto a tree lined street that 
every now and then has a runner or walker or a car (a car not 20 cars).  I look 
forward to walking those sidewalks myself.  I hope it's soon.  Between the rain 
and the boxes, strewn throught the house, garage and basement, a family walk 
just hasn't happened yet.

We can still hear a train here too, but it's about 4 miles away I'd guess.  It's the 
nice haunting train sound that carries on still summer nights - wonderful.  No 
more blaring whistle, shaking windows, or revving cars stopped in front of the 
house.  It's so very quiet here.  I can hear the scrape of a shovel against concrete 
about half a block away, granted my windows are open.  

Yes - my windows are open!  I miss being able to have my windows open all day 
whenever the temperature outside permits.  The old house was too close to the 
road and way too much exhaust found it's way inside, not mention the noise issue.  
Here it's just air and quiet.  I really love it.

So I love the location, but I like the house too.  We're not in love yet.  It's like an 
arranged marriage I suppose.  We've accepted our relationship and look forward 
to growing closer throughout the years.  Of course it could turn out badly, but at 
least I plan to put quite a bit of effort into the relationship so hopefully love is 
where we end up much sooner than later.  There's just quite a bit of updating 
that needs done.  It seems like each day we realize the extent.  Yesterday while 
mowing the yard D discovered that back in the 6 feet of brush behind the house 
the cable & phone lines are balled up above ground.  I suppose I would not have 
wanted to dig around back there either.  So now D has to call them to come out 
once he has it all thinned out, or bury it himself.  Things like that pop up here 
and there but it's nothing major.  The only major issue may be the kitchen.  
We had planned to reface the cabinets at some point but we suspect they are a 
lesser quality than we first thought.  So we may have to replace them.  Besides, 
I hate corner cabinets!  HATE them.  What do you do with them?  I mean if you 
have stuff that is never used and is hidden back there shouldn't those items just 
be gone?  I don't want kitchen clutter hiding in the corners.

Alright, sorry, back to skipping and humming about the wonderfulness of this 
new place.  I'm not sure what else to coo about specifically.  I mean the layout is 
wonderful.  It's a sprawling (by our standards) ranch which allows J to run and 
run and run.   He seems to really enjoy that.  Even with all the boxes I've managed 
to baby proof a good bit and plan to have the entire house J-proof as I continue to 
unpack and de-clutter.  If my boxes of who knows what could read this would be 
their official warning . . . clutter be gone!  I plan to be ruthless with each and every box!

There is a Season - Turn, Turn, Turn

2009-07-13T15:44:00.006-05:00

I think we found our dream house. Is it weird that I have a hard time saying that out loud in my current home? It's treated us so well, I don't want it to feel bad. Then I come to my senses. Our house is over a 100 years old and has houses lots of families; our family is only one in a long string. 407 West Will is likely ready for us to move on too. It has been a great home - and through baby J's eyes I see how cool it really is. The traffic and train both irk me but his favorite word is "car" and he'll drop what he's doing to go watch the train come through. What I'll miss most are my beautiful hardwood floors. What I'll miss least is the neighborhood, or lack thereof.

The new house is old - 1973 custom build. Having had only one owner it's full of retro, ahem charm we'll call it. Some of this charm will remain like tiled kitchen backsplash in a color that seems to be a mix of harvest gold and avocado green. Some of the retro touches will be updated, two words: wood paneling. Lansdowne is bigger and quieter but I am concerned that J will have no action to watch considering there is little traffic and the windows though normal sized are tiny compared to our floor to ceiling windows here. I'm so excited though. I can't wait to walk the neighborhood, or access the city bike path nearly just outside our door. I can't wait to be 10 minutes from everything instead of 30! We're closer to D's work, and to my favorite local escape, Highbanks MetroPark.

We close on both houses in just over two weeks. All inspections and appraisals seem to be going smoothly. We've moved on to getting quotes on painting and fencing. We spent part of this past week appliance shopping and I have a stack of paint chips nearly as think as my copy of Twilight. We haven't entered the period of stress yet. Once the packing begins though - ugh, I'll keep that thought for another day.

I've been trying to write about this for some time but I can't quite get the feelings across and I'm quite tired of the lifeless postings here. Below are some started and never finished posts on the same topic - each gives a few more details on the past month.

Summer Switch-up . . .

The good news is that we got our wish - house sold within 30 days! We weren't sure it was going to happen in fact we were pretty sure it wasn't. We'd had only 4 showings in 30 days and were in the process of switching agents when it happened. In fact, the evening we had our new agent over and were signing papers was the same evening our old agent stopped to pick-up his sign and key (awkward - they were there at the same time too).

Summer Saturday . . .

It's a lovely rainy summer Saturday. I only wish I could hear it - it being the rain of course. Instead I'm hearing J squawk through his monitor as he keeps sleep at arm's length. Once he quiets I'll still hear the blowing A/C right next to me. One thing I hope to have in our new house is the ability to open all the windows and enjoy the outside air, even if it is warm enough to warrant using the A/C instead. Here we live too close to the busy road and I'd rather have A/C than exhaust and soot which I find on my front porch so I know it would end up in my home if the windows were open.

We close on a new house in just a couple weeks. It was the only stand-out of houses online that we knew we'd like. We looked at it the first night of our four days of house hunting. I loved it right away; it made me smile. I could see us living there easily. However, it was obviously out of our price range. After getting a bit more information, including the fact the vacant house had been on the market all last year, we decided it didn't hurt to put in a low offer and have back-ups for the good possibility that we could not get into our price range. Not only was our offer accepted (without a counter) but they've also agreed to all our conditions (including repair requests).

We close at the end of July!

missing people who aren't real

2009-07-13T14:35:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here feeling melancholy, listening to someone's music playlist. My ipod is neither nearby or charged so this will have to do though I must say it's not nearly as inspiring as options I'd choose off my own list. I have found a couple new artists though as a bright side. On the flip side, I think these songs are adding to the melancholy. I'm just melancholy enough to think today is surely Sunday though I know it's not; it's Monday. Funny, that I prefer a day that is synonymous with bad to the supposedly carefree and relaxing Sunday.

I've met some new friends recently. They're imaginary. Like the music, they don't belong to me either. And now they've gone on their way to live their lives in someone's space. Even with the mocking I've taken from family and friends I'll miss them and I hope someday they enter my life again though I know it will be short-lived.

With this departure I've decided I need a rebound. I'm not too familiar with rebounds though so I'm certain my methodology is beyond flawed. I've moved on to some of THEIR favorites rather than delving into something that would have been mine. I'm hoping to make another new friend or to at least enjoy a change of scenery.

THIS is exactly why I read non-fiction to begin with, so I should have seen it coming. It's my own fault. THIS is why I read about real people who are flawed regardless of how good they are. I don't think I've ever become enthralled let alone obsessed over a real person, their life or the people in their life. I mean, really, that would be crazy and potentially illegal. But I can't help myself with some fictional characters. I'm a character junkie - I'll read any crap plot you hand me if you develop the characters well enough. I'm guessing it's got something to do with my imagination. I must let it run in a different way when I read fiction than when I read nonfiction.

Perhaps the brightest part of the bright side of this is my renewed interest in not only reading, but writing. I have not written for years. I think I had the desire to write scared out of me in a small town in Colorado. That was too long ago, and I keep saying I will use this blog to write more, or write better, but instead I don't use it at all. So perhaps instead of, or better yet in addition to reading Ms. Austen, I should dust off The Portable MFA, Read like a Writer, or even just my dog ravaged copy of Bird by Bird. I even went to the Columbus State website last night to see what fall classes they'd be offering. Luckily the fall quarter class schedule is not up yet; it's for the best. This will give me time to be sure this is nothing fleeting, but instead the rekindling of my relationship with writing - no rebound required.

springtime favorite

2009-06-10T14:02:00.006-05:00

If there is one thing I over buy for J it's books. I'm sure he could happily keep reading the same books but I get bored and there are SOOOO many books out there I just cannot resist. I especially love TJ Maxx because they are the price of used books but in better shape. Not that all used books are in horrible shape - I definitely buy a good deal from Half Price Books too. Kids can just be so hard on books though that the used ones often show a bit of wear and I don't have an issue with that other than they will fall apart sooner once J gets a hold of them. He doesn't chew them, thankfully, but he is rough on them all the same. He has no concept of front/back cover and often tries to close the book in the wrong spot. Another great source for books is Amazon because they often run sales on books if bought in 4s. I think the sale was if you buy 3 the 4th is free and if you do that twice then you also qualify for free shipping! That was quite a score for the holidays and his birthday but a bit excessive for an everyday purchase (even for me).

What about the library you ask? Not yet. When he is older and reading on his own we'll become frequent visitors to the library. I have gained a new appreciation for libraries in the past year. I had not taken advantage of the wonderful resource they are since probably middle school when my mother would take us to Westminster College's library. They had an awesome children's section complete with a fort! I am not embarrassed at all to admit that even in middle school I had as much fun in that fort as my much younger siblings. I loved to climb up on top with a few books and spend a good bit of time deciding which in my pile would make the cut and come home with me that week.

This winter I found a book at Half Price Books that J never really took to, but I continued to read it to him anyway because it was MY favorite. I loved the artwork - absolutely loved it. I wrote about it a few months ago and if you don't remember take a look at it here.

Over vacation one of our bags was 3 days late in arriving. It apparently wanted a separate vacation in Miami and St. Thomas. J's bedtime reads were in it so we found a book on St. John for him. It is my new favorite and this time J likes it too! It's called the Secret Seahorse. It's definitely a book I can see him growing with because right now he just gets the basics. In time he'll see it's actually a hide and seek book . . . looking for the seahorse of course.

For me, I love the artwork. The winter book I loved the artwork also and wanted to live in it. This book, I want to re-create the artwork. The entire book is felt applique of different underwater scenes and various underwater creatures complete with coral, a shipwreck, and sparkly sequin fish scales!

Photos are from the book ‘Secret Seahorse’ Stella Blackstone & Calre Beaton/Barefoot Books

toys

2009-06-10T09:54:00.003-05:00

Where do vintage toys go exactly? Are they buried deep within landfills? How is it I can find vintage furniture, cars, flooring and fabric but barely any toys anywhere except apparently in Switzerland? I'm going to have to investigate the exchange rate for "chf."

Maybe I'm just being nostalgic but many of J's toys are built for the destiny of those vintage toys. My toys were so much sturdier. I wish my mother had saved more items . . . my treehouse for one. I have wonderful memories of playing with that. Secondly would be my shopping cart which I would love to have for J. The third item is Ollie though he was sort of saved and died years later from the elements in his storage area. My Ollie had wheels unlike the earlier version. Last but not least is my Kermit the frog. I have been given replacements but none of them are quite the same and the hands do not velcro like my old kermit.

I guess I should consider this as I determine the fate of J's toys. However, like I said before his toys are to some extent not build well. Maybe I need to pull aside the few that are and save them? Or perhaps my parents thought the same thing of my toys compared to theirs and I must stop the cycle! There is a fine line between saving and hoarding and I only have so much space. I can't keep everything nor do I want to be tied to that stuff.

What preschool toy do you have fond memories of, and are you lucky enough to still have it?

some are silver and some are gold

2009-06-05T13:49:00.005-05:00

I could move to Dallas. I'm ready. I find it interesting that I say that normally after two things . . . visits there and holidays away from there. The rest of the time (especially early winter and all of autumn) I'm more than happy (yes more than) to stay put here in Ohio. It's a frustrating see-saw, especially since the only way we'd move to Dallas is if D applied for and got a promotion. So it's really a moot point that I need not consider as it's not really on the radar right now. So why bring it up? In part because we just returned from a trip there and it's fresh in my mind. My sister-in-law's neighborhood has 9 houses for sale (4 on her street) and most could potentially be in our price range.

There are definitely negatives to a move to Texas - a move that is by no means on the radar or happening any time soon but for which I feel the need to obsess and blog about. It's hot down there and it's red - as in too freakin' conservative. The schools aren't great though there are some that are apparently superb (Southlake comes to mind for one). However not to ruffle any feathers of my six readers, but I don't want J taught stories in science - I want him taught science. Back to weather though, it never snows in Dallas and I like the snow, at least for the first four weeks or so around the holidays. I also really love autumn with it's crisp air and melancholy colors. Last but not least, while I enjoy visiting Texas I don't have a lot of friends there. I have one friend, 2 sister-in-laws, one cousin my age and 3 significantly younger.

With that said there are negatives to Ohio too and the whole "I have no friends" issue with Texas isn't that much different here. I have a bunch of "friends" on Facebook but even the activity on there mirrors real life. As in there is no activity on there with or from my "friends" and in real-life I rarely see or talk to more than a couple of said friends. So I guess the friend issue is a draw. It does allow me to segue from my nonsense writing about a move south to, well to friendship I guess.

I have to say I'm not terribly outgoing. I always tell D that being outgoing is a trait not a learned action but secretly I suspect that's false and just a cop out. It's just a scary proposition to make an attempt to be more outgoing. I'd rather get over a fear of spiders or tight spaces through systematic desensitisation than work to be more outgoing. I wouldn't say I'm shy; I'm just slow to open up to people so I come off as cold (to say the least). I would say the fact that I tend to find myself in friendships in which I do all the work is probably fueling the fire. I don't know. Maybe I can look at the friendships that are not one-way and learn something from them for going forward?

Funny. Funny to me at least. Just last year I was considering joining a mom's group and didn't. I wanted to join for J so he could play with other kids. I was stressing because of the social interaction I'd be forced into with the mom's. I wasn't interested in more/new friends. My friendship situation hasn't changed since then but obviously my perspective has. I really think it boils down to me being ready to have a life again so now friendships are important and what was enough last year isn't now.

I'm not sure how I'll be working through this. I know I need to force myself to be more outgoing to some extent. So when I take J to swim class or art class I need to be more social and outgoing with the other moms. I also need to reach out to the moms I already know with kids J's age and setup some playdates. Maybe by this holiday season I'll no longer be longing for the supposedly greener grass across the Mason Dixon line.

2009-06-05T12:23:00.003-05:00

Today was J's 1-year assessment with Help Me Grow. He's a "super star" in every category except one - speech. His receptive speech is awesome but not the expressive. He fluctuates between 3mo and 6mo "behind." Why the quotes? Because I recognize every kid is different and behind is relative. I'm not super stressed about it but at the same time if our house sells there's a really good chance we'll leave the county and it's resources. So we're having J get an evaluation with a speech therapist. Figure it can't hurt.

They also fill out a social development type questionnaire. J "passed" that too. However, I'm having issues with that. He/we had such a great time on vacation. We saw people; we went places and did new things each day. Now we're back at home and he's bored. Okay, I'm bored (not really but sort of - I have plenty to do but lack momentum and motivation and that's a whole other story).

I bought him new toys which is so not like me. He has plenty of toys as it is and plenty more in storage and he doesn't "need" particular toys as he has no idea they even exist. I've also found swimming lessons for him, and I should be getting a list of other age appropriate activities for him from his Help Me Grow specialist. I've also been stressing over the playdate emails I sent over two months ago to friends. I know so many families with kids J's age and I think playdates are in order. Of course, all that work I need to do but have been avoiding due to lack of motivation keeps me from emailing about specifics. That's not the only thing but it's the largest surface stumbling block.

Below the surface there are plenty more. I recognize that and need to work it out. What that entails I'm not sure but for starters I need to just send those emails for playdates and register J for classes so we both get out of the house more and have fun.

St. John vaca . . . check out the link

2009-05-27T13:32:00.004-05:00

Follow the St. John adventures HERE at my travel blog. There's no pulitzer prize winning writing but you'll get to read about the trip.

birthday

2009-04-13T15:59:00.006-05:00

Our boy is ONE! Okay, so that's really old news. I've shared it via Facebook oh, about a month ago when it was actually his birthday. And unless there are a bunch of lurkers here, all my readers are on Facebook too. That kinda takes the wind out of my blogging at times. Yet another reason to abandon social networking (just one of many reasons). I didn't really go into detail about the week long birthday extravaganza over there either. I did however post photos and to me one of those is worth a bunch of words, maybe not 1000 but in come cases close. To some extent I feel like, what's left to say but on the flipside I'm sure there is a lot if I scrape below the surface. Let's see . . .

We started J's birthday with a trip to the zoo. It was warm and sunny and we headed straight to his favorite exhibit - the reef. It was early in the morning and the zoo was pretty much empty. He got to crawl around the exhibit and explore all the fish. They had wires covered in broccoli and the fish would swim by and nibble. As much as he loved the reef fish, he was not real happy with the manatees next door or the sea turtles.

After a few more exhibits we had lunch then left for dessert. Graeter's is just down the road and J got to have his first ice cream. First he had that distinctive look of horror I've seen other babies have. Why would Mama give him something so hideously cold, but then again it WAS yummy so maybe another bite - ooooh, just as cold. He got used it; don't we all . . . and he loved it. We had planned to go back to the zoo after his nap but they closed too early so we opted to hit the park instead. J had a great time in the swing.

The next day his aunts and cousins arrived from Texas and each day was filled with playing . . . back to the park, then to the mall and of course all over the house.

We went back to the local park first on Thursday night and J got to try the little kids jungle gym. He loved the tunnel and tolerated the slide. Getting dirty in the mulch was pretty fun too and I'm pretty sure it ranked higher than the slide too. Friday was the trip to the mall. The mall has a zoo themed play area with a tree in the center and animals all around it. The animals look like they are hard plastic but they're foam. They're weird but cool. I kept expecting them to be hard but ever one was solid enough for kids to climb it but soft enough that you could fall on it and not get hurt. I still can't wrap my brain around it. J took quite awhile to warm up to the idea of all the animals and kids and adults. Eventually he did though and he headed straight for one of the tunnels.

Saturday was the big party. We had a few friends over but mainly we kept it to family. J was awesome and seemed to have a good time. He played upstairs with his cousins and friend while most of the adults were mingling downstairs. Then it was gift time. Amazingly the gifts kept his attention and he sat patiently looking at everything. He liked the bright colored wrapping paper but also his new books. The videos he wasn't too sure about and the other gifts were in boxes which he loves so he was excited if for no other reason than he had a new collection of boxes to push around.

We got his cake from Clarencedale bakery in Campbell, Ohio. They made my baby shower cupcakes as well as the cake for my dad's birthday. J's cake was not as delicious as my dad's but it was still good. It was enormous. It was 2 full cakes high - I thought when I was asking for 2 flavors that each would be a 1/2 height and hence the cake would be of normal height . . . nope. I got two cakes on top of each other. The top was banana and the bottom was chocolate - they were separated by a layer of chocolate ganache. Yum. J's cake was banana and can you believe I did not get a photo of it? It was quite cute and matched the bigger cake.

J didn't dive into his cake. He took some icing and that was it so I had to cut a piece out for him to see what it was. I thought for sure he'd dig in then but no. He did eat the slice I'd cut and put to the side but then he lost interest. We gave him his dinner next and he found that much more appealing. After dinner & cake he worked off his sugar high until it was gone, leaving him rather cranky and confused. He wanted held but not held - he wasn't sure what he wanted and that frustrated him more. I think we'll keep his sugar intake as low as possible. Maybe he can have cake again at his 2nd birthday.

Sunday we all went to brunch and by all I mean our family in from PA and TX. Then everyone scattered hitting the road for a long ride home, a day of flying or for us just a quick jaunt up the road. I find Sundays rather melancholy to start with but after a long weekend of family fun and a party there is the potential for a really bad letdown. That afternoon we filled our time organizing all of J's new stuff though so I stayed mentally occupied. Of course what I really mean by "organizing" is that we shoe-horned it all into his room and our guest room upstairs.

a day without paper towels

2009-04-13T15:58:00.001-05:00

We ran out of paper towels this week - the horror. I have a love hate relationship with paper towels and hence with their existence in our home. They are so wasteful. I spent a whole day without them (I had planned to spend longer but a certain someone arrived home with them). I'm addicted so when they re-enter the house I use them. The hand towels are inches away in just as plain sight but I grab the paper towel. Ugh. I need a 12 step program for paper towels.

Like many others, I also need to break my addiction to Facebook. I'm doing better. Better is of course relative. I have hidden certain people so I'm feeling better about the site but I still find myself refreshing the page. Refreshing the page!?!? That is so unnecessary. I need to visit at most 1x a day. I'm just not sure how to make that happen. I'm getting closer though and I've stopped taking all those horribly written quizzes! It's a start.

In addition to de-cluttering my online life, I also need to spring clean and de-clutter the physical space around me. I feel like I'm always de-cluttering and not really cluttering. I guess it's that I tend to move my stuff around and even out but it's not actually gone. I have a 3-season room FULL of furniture. I tried unsuccessfully to sell the stuff at a garage sale and now I'm moving on to Craigslist. Once that is done I'll feel a lot better but not great. J has taken over the upstairs. There are toys everywhere and after his bday it's now officially crowded and cluttered. Honestly the only two possible cures I see for this are him outgrowing the toys or us moving. I do hope it's the latter. That is another blog unto itself .

This feels like wasted space. I haven't said anything worthwhile. To be honest, I think I'm dancing around the worthwhile.

I'm baaaaack

2009-04-12T20:34:00.003-05:00

I must admit I've been lurking on my own blog. I've been visiting often, with intent to write. I have ideas, I have thoughts, but I have no motivation to actually write. I want to, but I can't seem to start.

Spring has arrived, sort of. I love seeing the flowers and new leaf buds on all the trees. It's one of the few things I miss about driving into an office for work. . . I miss seeing the trees develop leaves. They start out as a vibrant green full of shades of yellow and as the season progresses they darken to almost emerald. I love the brand new color of the spring leaves. I'm noticing most days are breezy and sunny with temps in the mid 50s which unfortunately is just a smidge too cold for nightly walks. We've gone out less than a handful of times so far but soon, very soon we'll be out every night enjoying the neighborhoods, monitoring house sales, saying hello to neighbors we haven't seen since fall.

During one of our walks we opted for ice cream as if it were mid-summer. We have 3 places that sell ice cream in a reasonable walking distance. Two are right across the street from each other however, I'm boycotting one (UDF) and the other is fine but only offers soft-serve chocolate & vanilla. We wanted more options so we strolled past those to the third location, Ollie's. It has apparently been in town for about 4 years but we only discovered it last summer. It offers flavors that are neither typical nor unique . . . as in it's no Baskin Robbins with the typical array of options but it's no Jeni's either. It falls in-between with flavors like Cranberry Gelato and Chai. With such intriguing flavors one is not certain what the product tastes like. I mean for every Starbucks I hit I can get a Chai that tastes a little different so how do I know what their frozen version will taste like? Unfortunately, there is no option to try their ice cream.

Last year we arrived to see a tiny store covered in signs . . . no strollers, no samples, extra spoons 5 cents, etc. This year there were no signs so I thought perhaps customer service was making a comeback. Nope. I was unable to get a sample of the Cranberry Gelato (or anything else). Hesitantly I ordered it anyway. And I wondered - what will I do if I dislike this? Isn't it worth a tiny sample to ensure I am happy? Otherwise I will have to hand them back the entire cone if I dislike it and that's a huge waste. I also suspect that wouldn't go over well. Sigh. So now after battling all last summer with ourselves over whether or not to patronize this local, non-chain, mom and pop ice cream shop we have had to decide not to return. It's not like they woo us with friendliness to compensate for the no samples. They are generally just not very friendly. They don't even offer to describe their flavors! I'm so annoyed. We visited well over a week ago and I'm still annoyed enough to rant here.

I think customer service has been disappearing everywhere, but with this economy I expect it to make a comeback. By expect it to make a comeback, I mean if a place doesn't offer me good customer service I will take my coveted spending elsewhere.

I'll be sure not to rant in the next blog entry! :)

baby J toddling

2009-03-14T13:02:00.005-05:00

Okay, he's not really toddling officially. He has taken a few steps but much like those first crawling movements I'm not counting these. I'm not sure he even realizes he is walking - alone. We kinda trick him by sending him off to mama or dada (we'll get that in a sec) and letting him go. Sometimes he sits, sometimes he falls into our arms, sometimes though he actually takes a couple steps. He has not initiated independent walking though. He'll happily walk holding our hand or his walker or along furniture and walls ('cmon if he can walk along that he can walk - dude!). It took forever but he is willing to walk just holding a single hand. That took over a week of him getting quite angry with us for not taking both his hands. I've been thinking it would happen soon (independent walking) for months so I no longer guess or estimate at what age he'll walk. Honestly I no longer care - I know it will happen sooner than later.

His last Help Me Grow meeting offered good news on the verbal front. J is finally babbling consonant chains including nanananan and dadadadad with a little bababa and once or twice even a mamama. J loves to play a game where he touches his chest and we say his name and then we touch someone else and say their name be it me, D or even the cats. After about a week of this he even started initiating the game. It's novelty has worn off so he doesn't do it mu

ch anymore but every so often he will want to play it again. His receptive language skills are awesome. He knows what we mean when we say everyday things like nap, walk, sippy, bath, kitty, lovey, binky, etc. It's just his expressive language that's a little behind. Personally I blame the teeth. He has 8 teeth. The first set (by set I mean 4) came in from 6-7months of age. Once those were done J promptly started crawling. Then the next 4 teeth arrived at mo

nth 9-10 and nothing much happened developmentally until after that when J started assisted walking and his consonant babbling. Now he's teething again I think so well see if it affects anything. I really just think he cannot focus on moving his mouth around to make new noises when it is full of pain. That's what my gut says. And really it's not a big deal - he'll walk & talk in his own time.

We're also practicing signing. I read that it's good to start when a baby can wave good-bye. I guess that is when they will pick-up on the signs but we started earlier just to get him used to it. He knows the words better than the signs but we keep using them so hopefully he'll start to use them. He'll do "all done" but only after much prompting. He'd much rather pitch is food & sippy to the floor when he's had enough. He knows the sign for "more" and "train" but uses neither of course even when prompted. We're working hard on "eat" right now but so far - nothing. He is intrigued by "kitty" but again does not use it. We'll likely get him a baby sign book and/or DVD for his birthday in hopes that will help.

One of our main debates around here is how much to feed him. I error on the side of stuffing him figuring he will pitch stuff when he is done. D thinks I'm going to instill bad habits and he'll become overweight. I'm not concerned - most babies and kids get baby fat. I think as long as he is given plenty of opportunity and encouragement to be active then he'll not become part of the childhood obesity problem the US currently has happening. I always error on the side of feeding too much. I think it stems from J being born early and small and then having issues with eating and glu

cose levels in the NICU. I've been programmed to feed him as much as he'll take. I'm not sure when or if to stop that mentality though. We'll see what the good doctor says at his 1yr appointment.

Speaking of food this is the first month I've thought "wow, babies are expensive." J has moved to finger foods completely now so I'm buying fruit and veggies and all kinds of things. It makes formula seem cheap. I'm sure one day - oh about 12 years from now - I'll laugh at the thought of finger foods being expensive as my teenage boy eats us out of house and home.

I'm also coming to the realization that baby J has too much stuff and we don't have enough room for any of it. I really really really hope our house sells this spring because we need a better layout. We need a playroom for J because right now he has his room, the hallway, and the guest room as his own with toys everywhere. It's mainly the big things like walking toys and ride-on toys that are the issue. Though I noticed today he has outgrown his exersaucer so that can be disassembled and sold or put in storage. That will clear up a little space for the Bobles he has coming for his birthday. Sadly, I also think the jumperoo needs moved into the bathroom permanently (ugh - we are being taken over). It keeps J safe and out of trouble while I shower though I know he'll be outgrowing that in no time too. I just hope we can be into a new home by then [fingers crossed]. On the flipside, our first floor is baby free with the exception of the highchair and pack-and-play (the latter we're considering packing up for good though).

I bought a new baby carrier. It's a Catbird brand carrier (the pikkolo) and I purchased it locally from Sprout Soup. I wish I had known about this place last year at this time. I would have visited there for a carrier rather than buying a pouch and then a Bjorn and now a Catbird (um, can you say expensive?!?!). The Bjorn was actually a gift and we used it a TON and J loved it. We walked every night this past summer and J joined us in that until late September when we moved to the jogging stroller (he was just too heavy for that long of a walk). So why did I buy a new carrier then? J is too wiggly for a pouch (I tried ours) and too big for the Bjorn (says it goes up to 21lbs but that must be a skinny/tall baby!). I bought the Catbird because J is a mama's boy and he's not walking yet. There are times when it's easier to put him in a carrier then a stroller. When? Quick trips to the mall (J hates his stroller indoor), festivals (Grapefest comes to mind but also Arts Festival), parties (I thought I'd need this for one a couple weeks ago but J was happy to play on the floor), Filene's Basement (and any other place that does not have carts & the aisles are too small for a stroller). I do admit that an umbrella stroller could have solved some of these issues but oh well. We'll save the um

brella stroller for next year.

J has dropped a nap. He's been working on this for a few weeks when he got a cold and needed/wanted extra sleep. He was solidly back to 2 naps when Daylight Savings happened. That must have been just the jolt he needed be

cause he instantly dropped a nap. It took him a couple days to fully adapt but now he's sleeping for 2-3 hours

after lunch each day. Woo-hoo! I like that he has more playtime but a solid nap still. He seems happy with it and he's still sleeping through the night which is possibly the most important thing.

This week J will turn one. I've begun to feel a little frantic. I'm getting my freelance work done early, getting the pets ready to be boarded, the house ready for guests, the boy ready to celebrate, etc. I thought this morning that it's fitting. I was frantic this time last year too. Friday was my last day of work. I left at noon for a doctor's appointment. My blood pressure was high and I had to have bloodwork done. I was told that if the bloodwork came back poorly (seems like the wrong word) then I'd be induced the next day. Regardless I was to schedule an appointment on Monday for a re-check on the bp and I was warned if it was still high there would be no bed rest; I would simply be induced that evening. I had taken the optional 2 weeks off before my due date so I could do baby shower thank yous and the last bit of buying and nesting. Instead I spent that weekend running around buying things and cleaning the house and resting as much as possible (but not enough). Not surprisingly on that Monday (St. Patrick's Day) I still had high bp and I was told to go straight to the hospital to be induced (we were given a few hours reprieve to tend to our dogs first). And the rest as they say is history.

2009-03-13T14:53:00.002-05:00

In the past I have done woe-some posts about "does anyone even read this." I'm not in a woeful mood today, maybe it's the bright blue sky. I do wonder who stops by here though. Are there new readers? Well, in any case WELCOME to you all. Please leave me a comment if you read this. Say hi, I'd like to know you stopped by even if it was just this once. And yes - I mean you. You. Don't think I'm talking about the reader over there or the one over here or the older one or the young one or whatever. I mean you. :) Later.

what is the problem?!?!

2009-03-13T14:06:00.002-05:00

I have been trying to blog for weeks now - weeks! I realize you cannot tell this but I have started and stopped the same entry repeatedly. It's even an easy topic - baby J. So instead I'm getting back on the blogging horse with a tried and true entry - a list. Oh, how I love lists. In fact I have recently discovered the "sticky note" application on my Mac's dashboard. I LOVE it. I use yellow for work, purple for t-shirts, and the brighter colors for deadlines and other must-do items. I wish they offered some of the day-glo sticky colors but generally I like the muted shades.

Oh were to start?

Since I'm online I'll start with social networking. I used to be on MySpace but I've abandoned it for Facebook. Funny that I joined Facebook bcs my Aussie friend sent me an invite. I thought 'oh good she's using that and we can stay in touch.' Well, I think it was an honest attempt but she's just not an online kind of girl so I don't get to stay as much in touch that way as I'd like. Instead I'm friends with a bunch of people from high school and my former work place. I must say I hate social networking sites. They are a huge time suck and they offer little silver lining in their existence. I have gotten back in touch with people from high school and college that I barely talked to and still barely talk to online. So I'm not sure of the purpose of the site but yet there I am sending little greenspace plants and taking quizzes. I've learned 25 random things about a lot of people and more importantly I've allowed my self-esteem to sink a bit at times. Yep. At least I have not gotten involved in any interpersonal dramas so that's a plus. I really just need to delete everything or make a point to only sign on 1x a week (or better yet a month!). We'll see what I can do. I cut the cord with MySpace without issue (even before Facebook).
I love spring. I'm so excited it's warmer out. Granted it's only in the mid 40s today and that's probably the average winter low in Dallas, but we had 20s for so much of this winter that I'll gladly take 40s. Of course I cannot wait for 60s and 70s (dare I dream of days even warmer than that?!?!) and I hope they are just around the corner.
Speaking of spring which officially starts next week, baby J becomes toddler J next week a well - he'll be a year! I can't believe it. It's gone by fast but also it's just amazing how much growing babies do in the first year. I heard a newborn baby crying at the pediatrician's office this week and it's such a different cry. I forgot. This should really be it's own blog considering I've included no updates at all for way too long. If nothing else sooner than later there'll be the birthday party pics and blog.
So why the Dallas shout out a few lines ago? Well, we had been considering moving down there. We're still planning to sell the house - or I should say list the house - in late spring. I hope we price it right and it sells quickly. Based on some research D has done it seems like transferring to DFW in a lateral move would not be the best plan. It could happen but it's not the route D is wanting to take. So we're going to stay in Ohio but we're not sure how long-term that choice will be. We want to rent a house but with our dogs, cats, baby, and budget that just might not happen. Hence we are prepared to buy, knowing that with the current market that means a commitment to stay a couple years probably. I'm trying not to focus on selling, moving, renting, buying, TX, OH, blah, blah, blah. It's too much. There are so many unknowns and I want to be positive. The best way for me to do that is not to think about it at all. I'm taking the Dorrie approach (as in Finding Nemo's Dorrie) . . . "just keep swimming; just keep swimming; just keep swimming."
Work is happening. I'm so happy to have a job! I'm excited that it's a return to photo research which I've been away from for a couple years now. It's going well. As with nearly all freelance projects I've ever done there have been moments of frustration, but overall it's going really well. I just hope there are more jobs available down the road. In part due to the freelance job and in part due to other issues the t-shirts are not moving as quickly as I would like. I hope I will still be able to have samples to take with me in May but I worry I'm getting to a point that it's going to be cutting it close. Yikes!
Mom's group: I went to a meeting here for a Mom's group. It's a branch of an international club so there was cost associated with it. The cost is not high, but because the group is specific to my town I opted out for now. If we move even a few towns/suburbs south of here than I would want to join one in that location. I did send an email out to a big group of women all with kids under the age of two. I heard back from most everyone but so far there are very few people who have similar availability. I was giving people a little more time and I wanted to get past J's birthday and Daylight Savings before diving in to planning that. I would like J to meet more babies and have playtime. The daycare at the gym normally has a bunch of 3-5yr olds and that's just a little too old for J. It's free though so while the hourly place would have kids his age I use the gym. I may just have to take him to the hourly place 1x a week and the gym the other time. I'm trying to socialize him more for our vacation May in which he'll be staying with his aunt. He's a mama's boy and I'm super concerned he'll have one huge week-long meltdown. We'll see. He could be completely different in a few months!

Okay, it's not much of a list but it's a lot of words!

another list

2009-02-08T11:18:00.002-05:00

I'm well aware that I have not blogged. I've been busy but that's not why. I just haven't had a desire to write anything. I'm not concerned about whether or not anyone is reading. I'm not worried about saying too much or not enough or anything like that. I just have no interest in saying anything.

But here I am.

Today, I guess I feel chatty. . .

I was trying to blog about my freewill horoscopes but a few were a little too personal to discuss. What he wrote may not have been but the cord it hit was. I do feel like anything I write here I should be willing to scream into a room of strangers. Other weeks the horoscopes were just stupid (or stupider depending on your point of view).

Of course I try to blog about J regularly to keep people updated. However, I'm not sure anyone is out there reading and I talk to enough folks that I think the people who want to know what's going on with him do know.

So here are a few updates . . . .

Baby J is sick. [Oh and he's only "baby J" on here because "J" sounds like my dog.] He has his first cold. Snot is everywhere. Both my nasal aspirators are broken (dog ate one & the other split in half around the center of the bulb) so CVS here we come! I'm happy that he did not get sick until now, but I had been hoping to get him to his first birthday which would coincide nicely with the start of spring and the beginning of the end of sick season. But no, the combination of meeting other babies, daycare at the gym, and using up all his frozen anti-body laden breastmilk created the perfect storm. Poor little guy - he's in good company though. Seems like everyone is sick around here, including his dad. So far I'm staying healthy.

My t-shirts are causing me stress. I'm currently getting feedback from people on my first drafts. I may have to branch out and get even more feedback though. Today's feedback from non-STJ visitors contradicts the initial feedback from my group of STJ junkies. Hmmmm. The issue I'm fretting over is which designs to keep and which to dump . . . and how many if any new designs I should add. Do I do a cohesive line or the original hodgepodge I'd created? Ugh. Too much to consider. I'm new to all of this so finding a printer was causing enough stress before adding the need to focus (or re-focus I guess). So if you want to be part of my focus test let me know.

My other job is going better. It's pretty straight-forward. I'm happy to have it and I like it. Not much more to say about that.

We had a real estate agent come by last week. He'd been here about 4 years ago when we'd considered selling. So now we're back to that and he's back. He did a walk through to see our upgrades. He plans to go over some local sales data and get back to us on a listing price.

Average days on the market here is over 4 months! Ugh.

I'm really nervous. Mainly because we don't know where we want to live or where we can live. The plan is that if the house sells fast we'll just rent until we figure things out. Ugh. We have 3 cats and 2 dogs and I don't want to live in some dump because of that. Finding a rental is really making me skittish.

I'm trying to remain positive but it's hard. That's not my go-to emotion. Anyway, we plan to list in late spring. We'll see what happens.

More about J . . . he's quickly approaching the big ONE. We work daily on walking and words. And I'm working on figuring out what to feed him. He's sort of in-between right now. He can't chew a lot but he's not so interested in pureed mush. He's also really taking to feeding himself. So now I need a whole new batch of ideas on what to feed him for a few weeks until he's ready to just eat what we're eating. If you have ideas by all means share!

Nepalese booties keep baby feet warm & dry . . .

2009-01-28T18:52:00.009-05:00

I forgot some things in my non-bulleted list that I posted yesterday. Since it snowed a ton today I figured I'd also include some photos.

Baby J . . . he is standing. Not right this second (well, maybe he is I cannot see him), but in general he is now standing on his own. I time him and he's gone 8 seconds before falling. Walking, here he comes! He will not yet walk while holding just one hand but he'll nearly run when holding both your hands. He went from hating to walk with his walker to spending a good portion of each morning going back and forth across each room & the hallway. Instead of learning to turn it around though, I suspect he has decided to walk with it backwards. I don't like this idea because, though it is innovative, it lends itself to crying once the walker tips over and spills baby J onto the floor.

You probably can't tell, but Jack is wearing his Nepalese booties here.

They sort of fit.

Cleo . . . she is home now. I did not look into the bag in which she was returned too well. I saw a box and a plastic flower and then left it alone. Today I unpacked the bag to find it is a beautiful cherry wood box, a plaque (unattached), and a creepy little envelope full of fur. I squealed (which scared J) when I opened it and quickly tossed it back into the bag. I'm not sure what to do with Miss Cleo. Honestly, I really want to have her made into a diamond and wear her around. I don't actually like diamonds but I would wear Cleo; I bet she'd be a gorgeous diamond.

Work . . . I left this out altogether. After a stressful week, I hope to be getting 1st draft designs in for the last couple specs this week. My artist was stressing and I think/hope we have made it over a hurdle and onward. I'm really excited to see them.

I have also contacted a local printer. I'm hoping to have a quote from them in a few days, maybe a week? I don't know how long that takes. I like them, but I think since I'm clueless I will have to dig up at least one more printer for a second quote.

Because it's time . . .

2009-01-27T22:47:00.005-05:00

. . . to post, but it'll be bullets!

Tonight was J's first late night. He did not get to bed until 10 p.m. - poor tired boy. We had a dinner party out with D's coworkers. Wish we could have spent more time, but thanks to the weather that was not possible. It took us a little over an hour to get there - Main was a parking lot and hence we arrived late. But we arrived much earlier than others. Getting home was worse because the snow had turned to freezing rain. I thought surely J would sleep on the ride home, but nope.

My clothes don't fit. It's a problem. They fit last month but now, nope. Was it the Christmas cookies? Maybe it's that I stopped nursing? Or maybe my dryer really IS shrinking all my pants. Hmmmm. In any case I'm making the gym a priority. It's not my favorite place, but until the weather breaks I don't have a choice. I have my first trainer appointment tomorrow (assuming the roads are plowed and I can get out of the driveway). I'm seeing Elizabeth again - my on again, off again trainer for the past 5 or so years. I can't even do a sit-up I discovered at ab class last week. Nice. I looked like a flopping fish on the floor - embarrassing.

I got a lot accomplished so far this week. I have J's cake designed for his party ( I thought it would take longer or I would have procrastinated as usual). I contact a real estate agent and he's coming to the house next week (it's a perfect time to sell, right). The freelance job is going well - I have the work all scheduled out. The t-shirts are a bit behind but I think we just got over a hurdle so I'm excited for what should be coming. I found an hourly daycare for J. I was excited to use it until tonight when I cringed to see him next to a baby with a cold. I know he'll get sick - it's natural, but I'd still like to postpone it as long as possible! Ugh. I thought there was more, oh well.

I got my new computer - a Mac. I'm still learning little things and have more to learn. It's for work.

Speaking of computers . . . I barely blog anymore if you haven't noticed. I'm never on MySpace anymore either. And I'm not so sure about Facebook. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I'm addicted to my Lil GreenSpace (or whatever it's called). I think it breeds discontent if overused and I'm overusing it.

Cleo is home. We picked her up today. I most often think of her in the evenings. Some nights I still expect to see D carrying her up the stairs. With that said, I actively avoid thinking about her because I just get upset. That sounds bad. Maybe that's not exactly what I meant, but I do avoid dwelling and over thinking so as not to get upset. That sounds better. It's hard to explain.

Sirachi Hot Chili Sauce can NOT be substituted for "chili sauce' in a recipe. FYI. Happy HOT Chinese New Year!

As promised . . .

2009-01-16T08:57:00.004-05:00

A holiday pictorial (since I now have the forgotten photo card reader back home with me).

Our winter solstice trip to the Columbus Zoo for Wildlights. It was cold but fun. J really like the animals. We saw the indoor exhibits of course . . . elephants and fish (lots of fish).

I was so proud of my first attempt at meringues that I took a photo. These are cardamom flavored. They were really tasty and pretty. I'll make them again next year (I also made mocha flavored this year which were also good).

J taking in the sites of Christmasland at Kraynak's.

J opening gifts Xmas Eve at my aunt's home. He really liked a blue ribbon that was attached to this gift.

Christmas morning at my mom's.

Thank you

2009-01-15T13:42:00.002-05:00

Thank you to everyone who commented on the memorial. Tomorrow will be 1 week and it's starting to sink in more - though last night I thought 'wait, where's Cleo' as I heard D bounce up the stairs (he never bounced up them so gingerly while toting Cleo).

Miss Cleo

2009-01-10T11:18:00.009-05:00

Photo winter 2008

Cleopatra Amber Joy
1993 - 2009

We adopted Cleo from BRAT (Basenji Rescue and Transport) in 1999 as a one year anniversary gift to ourselves (oh, along with the new house we'd just bought). D wanted a dog now that we had the house, but I was more of a cat person. I researched breeds in my down time at the vet clinic (there was a lot of that) and came upon the basenji. A very cat-like breed they were known to keep themselves fastidiously clean and they were often aloof like a cat. Cleo was both.

We drove to Philadelphia via D.C. to pick her up from her foster home. She was cool as a cucumber. It was the 4th home she would join in less than a year. Her first owners divorced and there seemed to be an opposite custody battle over her. She wound up with grandma who could not properly care for her. Next off to the foster and then to her forever home with us.

Of our three basenjis she was by far the closest to typical. She was just naughty enough to let you know her brilliance and competency. She was aloof indeed but would happily lie next to you. She was always calm and collected though would change in a second upon seeing wildlife in the yard. She was a hunter. She baroo'd and yodeled and often on command. She hated water. She was a basenji through and through.

A few months after she arrived we adopted a brother for her (Jeremy). They got along wonderfully and often cuddled together during car rides and near heating vents around the house. In 2000 we fostered Zulu and he's never left. From the get go he was the annoying little brother. By now she was nearing 10 years old and was becoming less patient with things she did not like or approve. Zulu fit both categories and she snarked at him anytime he came near. Sometimes he really just wanted to be near her but all too often he seemed to enjoy annoying her.

If I walk into our bedroom I will step in the crumbs she left on the floor from her biscuit - still not vacuumed. If I walk into the laundry room I will see her sweaters awaiting the wash. Her food stand still sits by the backdoor. Her home was not ready for her to leave though we and it had been preparing for months. Cleo was 16 years old this year. A fierce warrior basenji she clung to what grace and strength she could to the very last moment. She will always be with us in spirit and thought.

We love and miss you, Miss Cleo.

Cleo the weekend we picked her up (pictured in Ashburn, VA)

Cleo after she broke her back leg jumping off the deck (circa 2000)

Showing she can be naughty indeed - that's a blue highlighter she gutted.

Basking in the sun. Basenjis (and Cleo) love sunshine.

Circa 2007, she's backed up to a heating vent.

A new favorite

2009-01-07T15:16:00.006-05:00

I can't say I dislike my freewill horoscope this week, but it's not a favorite either. Instead I'm posting something that is a favorite - a new favorite.

J has gotten numerous new books over the holiday season. Still, I bought him a handful more the other day. One is called Winter Babies Wear Layers and I LOVE it! It's a simple sentence per spread (perfect for J's current attention span) and the artwork is simple. The mom in most pictures is dressed modernly, but the colors and patterns in her clothing, baby's, and the scenery are all very mid-century modern.
My favorite page is below.

I want to be this artwork.

Sh!tty R Us

2009-01-06T20:31:00.003-05:00

I'm boycotting both Toys R Us and Babies R Us . . . the entire R Us franchise. In fact I may lift my nearly decade long boycott of Wal-Mart in light of, though that's not for certain (two wrongs don't make a right).

I was first annoyed with RUs when I was doing my baby registry. Their online merchandise and store merchandise are completely separate. You cannot find something in-store online and vice versa (at least with Babies). After this there was a lull in annoyance.

Today was it. Today was enough to warrant an indefinitely long boycott. I arrived with J and D and a handful of items to return/exchange. I had no gift receipts but would happily accept store credit. The clothing was short sleeved and will not fit by the time it's warm . . . J's grandparents got him a walker toy so he doesn't need the one we bought, etc. Well, they don't do returns OR exchanges without a receipt. Nothing - nada - goodbye - don't let the automatic doors hit you on your way out.

Seriously? The customer service was already lacking, but this was it. This was the last straw. There isn't ANY customer service. It's ridiculous.

I'll hopefully find my receipt but what about others who sent J items in hopes they would fit, but if not security in knowing they could be exchanged. I guess they'll have to be hounded for their receipts. Or maybe the gifts will go unused and languish in a drawer. Or better yet, J can sport them for Independence Day in January - the flipside of Christmas in July.

You know I returned 2 gifts to Wal-Mart already and it took 10 seconds for them to issue me a store credit. Though I have been boycotting them I will more happily spend that money there than a single further cent at any RUs store.

On a side note, I've been waiting to become sassier. I thought oooh after 30 I'll come into my own and speak my mind - nope. Then I thought oh surely once I'm a mom I'll be more vocal but not so far. Well, finally I did and I was not rude or anything. But I did express my disbelief, displeasure and their loss of a customer. While I was very angry and in shock, it's not the cashier's fault so I would not have wanted to be rude or make a huge scene (though part of me did want to do exactly that).

2009

2008-12-31T11:06:00.005-05:00

Just in time for the new year, Wednesday's New Year's Eve Freewill horoscope (Virgo) . . .

In 2009, you'll receive a lot of help, some unexpected, whenever you phase out your trivial desires so that you can better pursue your truly important desires. The coming months will also be an excellent time to shed unrealistic fantasies so you can be freer to concentrate on the realistic kind. While these are not quite once-in-a lifetime opportunities, Virgo, they may be the once-in-a-decade variety. Why not draw up a plan for how you can take maximum advantage of the specific luck that will be flowing your way?

Trivial desires and unrealistic fantasies . . . ouch, that stings. And I can't get help until I phase them out, huh. Well, I think I know the latter, but I'm not sure about the former. Believe it or not I don't actually like introspection which I this seems to require. What are my trivial desires?

Okay, how about a real question for you . . . I need pronoun help. What is "these" referring to . . . "these are not quite once-in-a lifetime opportunities, Virgo, they may be the once-in-a-decade variety?" I'm really not sure but it seems intriguing.

I am curious to learn what type of help I'll be receiving if I can become more realistic. Sounds petty, but . . . I could especially use some help in getting my house clean and keeping it that way. I could also use some super-duper professional help with my pack of basenjis. A certain someone would like the herd culled sooner than later and this notion out into the universe returns in the form of injury and disease. That's not cool. It's not cool for my furkids or for us. Our one basenjis is on so many pills it's ridiculous. How did my parents manage to have nice elderly pets who seemed to never be on any meds? He's got opiates, muscle relaxers, antibiotics, anti-diarrhea, steroids, and thyroid (I think that's it). Goodness that's a lot and so no wonder he's not himself but instead a big jerk. Off the meds he's mopey because he's in pain. Ugh. Again, the pets I had growing up never had any issues like this! WTH!?!?!

Well, even if I'm still clinging to fantasy for now, at least I do have the plan. I have my vision board done. I did one last year but never got it printed off the computer. This year I have a poster board on my closet door. I used a 9-square feng shui bagua as a back drop this year and categorized all my clippings accordingly. I love it. I keep looking at it, which I guess is part of the point. The rest of the point? Not sure, but I guess just to get those ideas into the universe as well as into my consciousness and subconsciousness.

Happy New Year!

2008 Holiday Season

2008-12-26T10:30:00.005-05:00

We like holidays. In fact, most anything (other than illness) that means extra time can be spent at home vs at work has to be good. The season starts with the Winter Solstice which we celebrated asmidge early. The weather reports stated the weather would get colder and colder as we passed over the solstice weekend. So we opted to make a trek to the zoo on Saturday evening. We bundled J up in his cozy bunting and yak-wool (a gift from T's time in Nepal - I assume yak wool but I could be wrong). TheWildlights were wonderful. I wish we'd gone before! We'll definitely make it a yearly trek.
J wasn't thrilled about his stroller, but that's becoming the norm. We held him and alternated walking around looking at the lights with visiting indoor exhibits. J really liked the fish and the elephants most. It was quite cold so we stayed just over an hour and then headed home. The wind was really picking up when we left so it was good timing. J slept like a champ that night - we need to get him outside more often. I remember longingly how he slept through the night every night June - August when we'd take nightly walks.

We traveled "home" to western PA for Christmas. We were house guests/sitters which worked out wonderfully. Our first morning in town we battled ice to visit a high school friend with a brand new baby girl. I think we'll try to make that a regular visit; it was a lot of fun. They also have a 4 year old girl. And while Billie is still on maternity leave and only has 1 dog she gets way too much accomplished! A 2 month old & 4 year old but she makes her own bread, jam, etc. I'd love to do that but I can barely even get the dishes & laundry done. I need to get this figured out.
The first holiday event was Christmas Eve at my aunt's home. It replaces the good ole days of parties at my grandparents' - all night parties complete with makeshift bar on the washer & dryer. Gotta love that! J got to meet his cousin who is 4 weeks younger than him. It was the first little one his own age that he's gotten to meet. They were intrigued with one another but before they could play gifts were brought out. J's favorite . . . the blue ribbon on one of the gifts. I kept it and used it to appease him during diaper changes the whole time we were there. That was a late night but J slept the whole way through to morning and then we headed out to my mom's. My niece and nephew had been up since 6am staring at the gifts Santa had brought. I didn't even see my nephew open his - he was too fast. J got a newcarseat and of course toys. We returned home on Saturday to pick up kitty, then the pups on Sunday. How quickly we went back to normal (aka hectic). You'd think the holidays would be more hectic than day-to-day.

New Years was uneventful. While we were up around midnight with J, we did not see the ball drop or have a drink or anything like that. It's not like we are normally big party goers or anything but we normally at least stay up to welcome in the new year. We tried everything in the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' book so we've moved on to some crying solutions for J. He's had to cry it out a few times. Last night was the worst (probably for me more than him) but he calmed down and fell asleep and stayed asleep all night. My mom insists that this is better for everyone but I'm dubious. I feel evil. I'm working on getting over it though. I can attest that J is not sad - he's mad. Last night we went in, rocked him to sleep (3x for D followed by 1x for me) but he'd wake up every time he was placed in his crib. He would kick his legs and yell. He was just mad so I kissed him and said goodnight and left. Why must learning to sleep be so difficult?!?!?

Anyway, overall the holidays were very nice. I was concerned J would not travel well but he was awesome. He got a new tooth while we were out-of-town and even with teething he was super. I'm looking forward to being more social and outgoing with him this winter and spring.
I wanted to include photos from Wildnights, Christmas, etc but I forgot my card reader at my mom's in PA. She is in Vegas until next week so it'll be awhile. I could find the cable to my camera and connect directly but finding that may take as long. I will upload photos, they'll just be a bit belated.

Winter Solstice

2008-12-18T11:23:00.002-05:00

I love Winter Solstice. It's the first holiday of the group that we celebrate this season. I hate that it's the shortest day of the year, but there is a silver lining. The following day is longer, and so is the next and the next and so on.
We normally celebrate the holiday with lights. We had a wine tasting party a few years ago and our entire house was lit only by candlelight. It's surprising how much heat a hundred or so tea lights produce. We eventually had to turn off the furnace and open a window.
I cannot recall what we did last year. If the weather is decent perhaps we'll go to the zoo this year. Or maybe D and I will manage to have a nice candlelit dinner someplace. We'll see. Either way it is the beginning of the holidays and I'm excited. I'm not ready at all, but I'm excited nonetheless.

I'm bringing up Winter Solstice in part because it was mentioned in my omen this week.

"My deepest emotional wound has also been the source of inexhaustible blessings." I'm not going to tell you why that statement is true for me -- it's way too personal -- but I assure you that it's one of the fundamental facts about my destiny. Could you make a similar assertion, Virgo? Is it possible to interpret your life in such a way that you could see how a painful experience you suffered in the past has also given you tremendous insight, inspiration, and vitality? Two thousand nine will be an excellent year to make that leap of understanding. And the time around the solstice -- right now! -- is a perfect moment to get started.

I have not spent much time pondering my "deepest emotional wound" and feel lucky that it doesn't jump right out and announce itself. Lucky because while we all have emotional wounds I don't think I have that many let alone many deep ones. Is that lucky? Some may say it's not, that perhaps I cannot have proper growth or "inexhaustible blessings" without the flipside. I don't think that is completely true. Everyone is different.
In part I've not spent time pondering this because of it's negativity. However, I think I may take some time with this anyway because like the winter solstice, there is light on the other side of darkness. I would love to be able to be less negative and interpret negativity in a more positive way. I think that would be a wonderful way to spend some of my time and energy in 2009 - starting now.

9-months

2008-12-18T09:15:00.004-05:00

Today baby J is 9 months old. Happy Birthday, baby J! :)

Yesterday he had his check-up. He's surprisingly down in his percentiles (25% height & weight). I was surprised because he's wearing really big sizes and out-growing them so fast. Dr. M said she sees this drop at 9-mo in about 90% of her patients. She said they get mobile and don't eat enough. I didn't realize that veggies, fruits and cereals had more calories than formula and milk. So I had been encouraging more of the latter but need to switch it as he begins the homestretch towards the 1yr mark. Maybe it's not the homestretch but he's surely nearing or rounding third. We started giving him 2 more ounces of solid food at each meal yesterday and to my surprise he woofed it down. Hmmm. Guess the poor lil guy was hungry after all. He's gaining about a pound a month but maybe he'll gain more with the added food and jump back up to average. Oh how we love that 50th percentile!

He's still not babbling, well not the sounds the pros say are coming. There's no mamamama or bababababa or dadadadada let alone mama, baba or dada. He surely has a lot to say though in the sounds he has decided are cool and fun.

We've also found out we have a climber. He wants to climb everything and was recently caught standing on the stool next to his crib. Next he tried to use D as a ladder to climb onto the chair in his room later that same day. He's ready to explore new heights! All I foresee are a whole new crop of bumps and bruises on his noggin from the falls. We've finally moved past the falling from his learning to stand and cruise.

He's still teething. The front top teeth are slowly but surely coming down. It's been two months of off and on with those things and I really wish they'd just come down once and for all. We're pretty certain there are more on the horizon. I'm guessing late January or early February they'll appear. He's been super drooly which is normally about 2-months out from new teeth. The rash he'll has been getting seems to mark about 2-weeks out from the teeth breaking the skin. Weird but so far predictable. I'll keep everyone updated on these subtle clues.

He's ready for his first holiday season. This weekend is of course Winter Solstice. We're hoping to get a baby sitter so we can go out to dinner (though I got an email about a meditation event too - I just don't think I can sell D on it). Then we go to see family for Christmas but return for D's birthday and New Years. We'll also be celebrating "little Christmas" in January (the 6th I believe) as J will have way too many items to open all at once. We'll space them out a bit this year. We just haven't found a way to work Hanukkah into the mix. We like celebrating all the holidays, not because we give gifts for them all (we don't) but just to honor them all. We're not religiously tied to any of them so it's nice to spend time enjoying the non-secular meaning each brings to the world.

I've sort of gotten off the topic of J. I don't think I have many more updates. Though I am leaving out two small items I learned over the past couple weeks . . . .

Buy blueberry baby food because making it at home is ridiculously messy. Everything was blue. As D said, it looked like we killed Barney in the kitchen. I also learned that 1-2 cubes of blueberry mixed with other fruit or some cereal is plenty. Any more than two and again everything become blue, including baby J.
J loves Norah Jones or at least her voice and well maybe even more specifically her singing Come Away With Me. The other day the song came on and he stopped playing and just turned and stared at the radio. He'd go back to playing for a moment and she'd start the chorus again, and again he'd stop and stare her way, listening. D mentioned months ago he thought J liked this song. In early summer he noticed the song calmed J and would often put him right to sleep. It is a lovely song.

I've actually been gathering cds from the library like a crazy woman. I have Disney Classics which were an accidental reserve. I thought I was getting play songs but there songs from the movies. Some are good but most I've never heard of before - somehow they escaped my notice when I watched the movie(s). I also got some RockABye cds which are lullaby versions of rock songs (I reserved Coldplay and U2, the Beach Boys and for my own curiosity Nine Inch Nails and Green Day). I also got him some early rock and roll collections (1950s stuff and early 1960s - he loves Rock Around the Clock). Lastly I reserved the correct Disney cds - Children's Favorite Play songs. I hope J likes them!

kisses

2008-12-03T21:55:00.002-05:00

I would have added this somehow to my "thanks" posting had I known.
I walked upstairs from writing the post to have D say that J had started giving kisses. I asked for a kiss and got one too! It's one word I'm consistent with saying ("kisses") so he can match it with the action. This is the first word we've been able to tell that he really knows what it is.
I can't wait for morning - a whole day of kisses. I'm tearing up. :)

Thanks

2008-12-03T18:44:00.005-05:00

My last post seemed a bit more negative than I'm actually feeling. Though our feng shui is surely off and little things are continually popping up to throw a wrench into one or more aspects of our life, I'm still very grateful. I had wanted to post a gratitude list - some may call it giving thanks or perhaps even Thanksgiving - for a few days now so here it is.

I am very grateful for:

my very best friend of more than a dozen years and hubby for ten - D.
our nearly 9 month old baby boy, J who has changed every molecule of our lives.
our home which every year is truly more and more a home and less just a house.
friends - all of them, all over the world.
family and the more prominent desire to share them with J.
season though I'd really prefer longer spring, summer and fall and less winter.
my pets - though all of them are a challenge, they've enriched my life and I have learned a lot.
the opportunity to stay at home and start two businesses.
the space & support to try new things.
family - they deserve another nod.
D - he deserves at least three mentions.
J - he deserves every mention as he exists somewhere in each and every blessing.
the 51% of the US that believes in America and the potential greatness of change.
savings.
independence.
being needed.
being appreciated.
being loved.
acceptance.
a good haircut.
physical therapy that IS working.
friends - again.
D & J again and again and again. :)

Namaste.

as if

2008-12-03T09:11:00.002-05:00

Here's this weeks horoscope:

In 1952, renowned modern composer John Cage created the infamous "4'33"." It's a "song" that consists of four minutes and 33 seconds of pure silence. Recently a San Francisco performance artist, Jonathon Keats, did a remix of that tune and made it available as a ring-tone. I'd love for you to be inspired by those two geniuses in the coming week, Virgo. It'll be an excellent time for you to come to a perfect stop, fill yourself with stillness, and bask in the healing power of undiluted nothingness.

And all I can say is AS IF. I don't have time to do nothing, let alone bask in undiluted nothingness. I wish. It's the holiday season. Even though D & I have always done very low-key, low spending holidays we still have family to buy for and some members expect gifts so there's no card or sweet cost-free sentiment that will suffice. I have an elderly insane dog that I must continually clean-up after, be it accidents in the house or a flood of water from her dancing in the water bowls. I have an almost elderly dog that was spry for his age but now appears to have a bulging or ruptured disc in his neck. He's been to the vet twice already this week and it's only Wednesday. Then there is the very mobile J. The other day I ran downstairs because I thought I heard water-bowl dancing. I was mistaken so I was back upstairs in 30 seconds - J had left the far side of his room, ventured across the hall and across the guest room to the computer and he was tugging on all the wiring he could get his little hands on. He's fast now!

In addition to tending to the souls residing in our home, I have a hubby who has decided to compete with me for the number of friends we have on Facebook. I'm rather non-competitive so I think I'll be able to keep from joining in this silly, potentially time consuming game. I also have two businesses I'm trying to get started. So I spend a decent amount of time at the computer working on those. Unfortunately we're having major internet connectivity issues these days so anything online is frustrating and stretches out into what at the time feels like eternity.

In the next three weeks leading up to our holiday travels I must finish shopping, baking, etc like everyone else. I must also finish my wrist physical therapy, do family photos, and get to a handful of other appointments for J and/or I.

I realize this to do list is like most everyone else's this time of year (sans dementia-ridden dog probably) but unless you are also a Virgo you probably do not have a horoscope suggesting you bask in undiluted nothingness.

I recognize filling myself with stillness and basking in nothingness would be a great tonic for this time of year. But unfortunately I just don't have time and this week my freewill is opting out.

Sigh. Nothingness DOES sound lovely.

tik tok - the clock struck 8

2008-11-23T16:54:00.002-05:00

Baby J crossed the 8-month mark this past week. In celebration he puked (He's just like his dad! Ha Ha).

It was our first episode of illness with J. I still cannot believe that much stuff could fit inside his body, let alone his stomach. We were in such disbelief that we continued to dress him thinking it was over. He went through 3 sleepers and 2 baths. I also went through 3 outfits, but got no bath. Yum. I realized the next day how gross this was but at the time didn't think about it at all. He was a bit out of sorts the next day so we took it "low and slow" as the nurse suggested (hell, yeah this first time mom called the doctor). They said it was a stomach bug but he never got the other symptoms. I think I fed him bad avocado. How does an avocado go bad even? I have no idea but I'm certain that was the cause. I could have been convinced that the shamrock plant he nibbled the night before was the culprit. But I've deduced it was not. For one, poison control did not apparently mention vomiting (D talked to them - I'll explain) and two, his change of schedule that morning and afternoon has stuck. So it was truly a change of schedule and not a symptom of getting sick.
So yeah, D called poison control because the nibbling occurred on his watch. He had J standing on his lap looking over his shoulder as he checked email. And what was keeping J so happy and content - the shamrock plant (oxalis). He was sucking away at a stem. D pulled the leaf out of his mouth a few minutes later when he went to change his diaper. We'll let the story end there. It got a little ugly.

What else? Let me think.

Crawling is going well. Pulling up is his favorite thing in the whole world. He's starting to try to walk now also. He likes to offer you his hand and then he will take a step to you. He only gets 1-2 steps before he starts bouncing up and down like he's in his saucer (oh and you have to have both his hands once he offers you one). The bouncing is pretty impressive though - up and down, up and down while holding your hands. He's gonna get this walking figured out soon.
Oh, yes and during his first nap today he figured out how to sit on his own. He can sit from a stand but not from crawling or lying down. The sit was not from standing (he was too far away from the rail for that to be possible) but we missed the actual event.

He's continuing with hating orange foods. I love orange foods! So sad. He is currently finding sweet potatoes distasteful. I let him try Cheerios yesterday but he's not ready. Instead we're making his food more coarse for the next week or two and will then try Cheerios again.

He's changed his schedule (I could tell it was happening). He now eats 4x a day not 5 and naps 2x not 3. The naps are longer so it's the same amount of sleep. The food is more (he gets solid at every meal and milk) fewer times so I think that's a wash too. Now I have to adapt to this change. I had finally gotten used to the other as it'd been that way for months.

Overall he's doing great. I'm excited to see how much he's grown at his next appointment in a couple weeks. Personally I think he's tall. He outgrows all his clothes height first, not weight or head size. We'll see. If so he's got two of his four great-grandfathers to thank because no one else is/was tall.

Wherefor art thou . . . .

2008-11-23T16:45:00.002-05:00

. . . Mallo Cup?

I was watching Good Morning America on Friday. They had a teaser for an upcoming section on discontinued products. And what did I spy on the table but my love, the Mallo Cup. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I called my mother immediately. Why? Because each year she buys me a package of these delightful chocolates. I had to let her know of the horror. She can only find them in one place these days. I will be stocking up over the holidays. I hope their supply lasts.
I cannot bear to think that baby J will not know the flavors of the Mallo Cup. It's bad enough I'll look like a crazy woman whipping out things like records, tapes, and by then even cds! Now I must add to this the yearly removal of the Mallo Cups from the freezer (hopefully not freezer burned).
The only glimmer of hope is that GMA is wrong. Boyers Candies shows no sign of discontinuing the product on their web page. However, maybe they've discontinued updating that too though.
Teaberry gum, Necco waffers, and some other lovely products were also displayed on that table. I don't chew Teaberry gum often at all, but I'll miss Hershey's Teaberry ice cream! Maybe the two are not tied together and I'll still be able to enjoy the latter - ya know every 7 years or more when I find myself in Cooks Forest at the Hershey's Ice Cream stand. I'm like a locust in this respect.

exile

2008-11-23T15:59:00.004-05:00

I suggest you meditate on the theme of exile. Here are some questions to get you started. 1. Have you ever been shunned by people you care about? 2. Do you know what it's like to unwillingly leave a place that has made you feel safe and secure? 3. Can you remember the desolation that came over you when you found yourself wandering in the middle of nowhere? 4. Has it been a challenge to connect with your tribe or be at peace in the land that makes you feel at home in the world? Whatever your exile is, Virgo, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to figure out how to heal it.

That is my Freewill Astrology for this week. I like it. I often like them and I used to check them weekly. I've been forgetful and lax since leaving my job. I have a schedule now but my schedule then was all about me and so I remembered things like my horoscope. Let me answer the questions for everyone - why not.
1) Yes. I used to think I was the black sheep of my family. I don't anymore. Where I was different and always odd girl out, now we're all different. And during my black-sheepdom I was not shunned. The shunning came later for a brief time. It was a ridiculous matter and I won't go into it further but to be shunned is painful, especially for something ridiculous.
2) Yes. I'm stronger than I know and more fragile than I'd like. We moved when I was in second grade, in the middle of the school year. I went from a neighborhood with kids I'd known since birth to a rural area with no friends. I used to walk out of my door and have kids all around and one day there was no one. Just cold, desolate fields. It took me having the realization late in middle school that a friend who had moved there years after me had adapted better and faster. I was still considering myself "new" in the close knit school. 'Cmon, I realized, I'd been there since 2nd grade! I'm slow to adapt sometimes though I try harder now.
3) Nope. I don't recall wandering in the middle of nowhere. I'm racking my brain to think of a time or place. I've been to some remote parts of Utah but I was not alone and felt more awe than desolation.
4) A resounding yes. Connect with my tribe? Regardless of what you consider your tribe, what I consider mine is not in one place and impossible to connect with physically. Not being physically near one another makes maintaining connectedness extremely difficult.
At peace in the land that makes me feel at home in the world? Ugh. I don't know where that is! This is a struggle for me and has been for years. I have recently written about part of this - the internal flip-flopping I do over staying here or moving to TX (when in fact the decision won't be mine anyway so why stress). I very much want to find this part of the world or succumb to making where I'm at now this place. This is a process, and one that more than anything needs my offering of patience.

None of the above exiles are the one my horoscope immediately brought to mind. My current exile is myself or the separation/loss/change/departure of myself. Where am I? There don't seem to be enough hours in the day to find me, nurture me, entertain me, develop me, nourish me, or anything me.
I know these horoscopes are self-fulling prophecies (if you choose to fulfill them - hence the freewill aspect), and I love them because they are written in a way to make you think. This one I felt. I felt the exile immediately and recognized that yes, I do need to heal.
It's not going to be easy. I've tried before. I've done the 1 step forward 2 steps back thing. I really need to commit and make, well, myself a priority. Time will have to be carved out and I'll have to adapt. I should really be excited to meet the me I find on the other side of exile. I think I am.

I got the Garrett nose

2008-11-15T12:50:00.005-05:00

I got my hair chopped yesterday. I hope it's not "mommy" hair but too bad if it is - too late now. I did not get it cut to make it easier to deal with or to limit the pulling & tugging by baby J. I got it cut based on the vast amount of hair I've lost.
When J was 2mo old I started losing hair and assumed it was post-baby only to find out it was not. Instead I was told it was from going cold turkey on the high level of blood thinners I was taking. Fast forward to October, J is 7mo old and now I'm not sure if this round of massive hair loss is baby-related or fall shedding. I tend to shed my hair like a dog in the fall. It's gross.
In any case, by the time the October hair loss started, I had sprouts of regrowth from the May shedding. So I was looking even more like a dog - a very mangy one. That or maybe I am part Peruvian Hairless?!?! In any case, I had my haircut in September to deal with the new sprouts. It would take forever for them to reach my mid-back, my pre-September hair length. But with even more falling out I was going to still look ridiculous with my above-the-shoulder bob. So I went back under the scissors.
Now it's officially short. I like it though. I can't hide my tattoo without a turtleneck now, but oh well. That's another benefit to staying home (for work, not like a hermit or anything), now I can fully become the alternative, vegetarian, tree-hugging, hippie mama that I know lurks in me somewhere. I may have to ramp things up to vegan to fully make this work.
In any case, the new hairdo supposedly makes me look younger (you can be the judge). I hope it does! But what I really think it makes look different on my face is my nose. It's huge. I had not realized how huge it had become. It was camouflaged somehow by my long locks - not that I wore them Cousin It style in front of my face, but still somehow longer hair detracted from the schnoz.
It may be an old wives tale, but I read or heard, more than once, that your nose never stops growing. Looking at some family members on the Garrett side, I have to agree. And lucky me - I have the Garrett nose. It's large, it's growing and it'll surely start frightening young children any day now. Of course baby J will be used to it so I think he'll cope okay - until school though when they make fun of his hippy mom's witch nose. If only it were a lovely, long (even hooked) nose but alas it's just growing more bulbous. Joy.
So from under the scissors I will now become more self critical and begin to contemplating going under the knife.
No not really, but maybe. Who knows how far this current path to bout of reduced self-esteem and nose neurosis will go. Stay tuned.

straight from the hairdresser:

It's been awhile - I know you've missed them . . .

2008-11-12T09:22:00.006-05:00

What might that be? Why it's the bullet-list blog posting of course!

What is sleep, Alex? Indeed, what IS sleep? I used to have a baby that slept through the night. For that mater, I used to have an elderly dog who also slept all night and lazily into the morning. In the very least these two could get on the same schedule, but no. Instead we have baby J waking up 1-2x a night because he rolls around too much in his crib and gets "stuck" (not really but in his half-sleep state he's convinced). If it's not that then he's up and wide awake for a good hour in which he gets fed and rocked back to sleep. Ahhh, 3AM how lovely your dark, quiet streets are, that is until the blaring train horn shreds the night and pierces our ears - though not our slumber. Soon I'm back asleep though, that is until Miss Cleo wakes. Apparently 5AM is THE time for an elderly dog to awaken and pee on the floor if not promptly taken out. Oh, and she needs fed - take her back to bed and pooping on the floor as revenge is likely. Sigh. Maybe I should take the melatonin instead of giving it to the dog - then I'll just sleep through all the nonsense.
I am no social butterfly. I got the worry gene not the party gene - some get both in my family. I'm the wallflower. I like a soft couch and good book far better than a bar or party. They are too loud and too crowded and conversation is impossible. Maybe if I drank but I don't so I'm also bored at these social gatherings . BUT that's not to say I don't get out and socialize. Okay, I don't. But I used to and that's the point. Baby J has never been with anyone but D or I for more than the 2hrs I left him with my mom for an appointment. He needs to get socialized and more adaptable with his routines. And I need to be able to accept some of the invitations I get. The issue? Well, firs there is the before mentioned worry gene. He'll need to be in a safe environment, but he is not used to strangers so it's not going to go well, ugh! So our house, after he's in bed sounds like a plan but alas we've painted ourselves into a corner up here. We're really far north - like an outpost or something and few people want to hike up here. Plus we have the dogs. A babysitter ends up being a basenji sitter which in reality is part lion-tamer (unless you are a dog whisperer - that'll work too, and if you are then we've got a job for you!). It's our own fault and I recognize it. I'm willing to accept it too. However, at some point it seems important for everyone involved that J get some time with others and I/we get some time away from J to hang out with friends. May will come faster than we know and the plan is for him to spend a week with his aunt. How's that gonna work if he's never spent an evening with anyone else let alone at another house? We'd like not to paint ourselves into a second corner for that vacation.
November here - it's Save A Turkey month with the Save A Turkey 4th Thursday holiday. :) What else is here? COLD! During September I thought how lovely the cool air was and how I was looking forward to fall and even winter. What was I smokin'? I still believe snow is pretty and I want J to have the opportunity to play in it as he grows. And to play in fallen leaves. But I'm back to thinking the cold is not cool.
So if cold is not cool then what? Well, D has already talked to his bosses and they know he's as open to taking a promotion in Dallas as he is in Ohio (well nearly AS open to it - I think OH is still his first choice). I go back on forth with my first choice. The key reason I'd be interested in going to DFW is family. I have family there and so does D, and more importantly they have kids J's age. Sometimes I think I'd have a built-in friendship network but really I have to get away from that. I would still need to forge friendships there to have the social network I'd be comfortable with. Okay, maybe I'm more of a social butterfly than I'm admitting - but I still hate crowded bars and parties though I can't think of any of the latter I've attended since college.
I have no freelance work. Blame the economy? Who knows. My t-shirts are moving forward though. I found an artist local to St. John and hope to have rough sketches by Thanksgiving at the latest. From there we'll settle on the favorites, the fees, and do contracts. Gulp. I'm excited though, really. She sounds really nice and genuinely excited about the venture. I may have her do a website for me also so I can sell the shirts online as well. For those not in the know, the company is Wearable Souvenirs and the shirts are just that. It would be great to get another freelance job or two this winter to pay for this venture in full. I had mistakenly labeled myself as "part-time" on my cover letters. I think that killed my chances. I'm no longer doing that and instead will only take on the size chunk I can do in part-time hours. I hope that helps!
It's November 12th. I have library books due today but I'm too lazy to want to go to the library. I'm also too lazy, busy, mismanaged to continue the adventure I started earlier this month. I signed up for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoMo). I need (needed) to write about 3 - 3.5 pages a day to get the required 50,000 words by November 30th. I've not ever written a sentence of fiction in my life though (purposely at least) so I was nervous. But I figured if not now then when? The expectations are so low that I might as well just do it and know it will suck if it even gets done. I do still want to do it but I've already lost my umpf. I only have 4 pages and it's the 12th of November!!! I have a full storyline and list of characters and even an outline so I think I just need to make time to dive back into the process. I'm only writing this here to hopefully receive a litany of comments tell me I must write and I'm a loser if I don't. I need motivation - external motivation!

Mobile

2008-11-02T14:36:00.007-05:00

I've had to move the laptop into J's room. He cannot be left alone. It's not his fault - it's ours. We did not baby proof at the speed we needed. I expected him to crawl by now - he just made it by the end of October deadline. On Halloween our little Jack O. lantern was crawling across the room. D counts the two days before that as when he started with only 2 steps. I disagree, I needed to see more than 2 steps so Halloween it is/was! And well, it wasn't really a deadline but the consensus from friends and family after seeing him at the beginning of the month rocking away on his knees.
Now just a little over a week later and he's crawling over things and down the hall and exploring his world constantly. Toys - who needs toys when the world is at your fingertips?!?! The poor cats are so confused. How can he suddenly get their tails even if they move away?

What I didn't expect for Halloween or anytime soon was that J would also start pulling himself up on things. Last night I could hear his shrieks of delight upstairs with D. When I went up, I was told he had pulled himself up on the bookshelf and was ripping down books left and right. How fun! He's taken a few tumbles and I'm shocked that some don't phase him (face planting on the floor after bouncing off the armoire headfirst) while others cause hysterics (falling backwards and hitting the armoire before sliding onto the floor). Yes, I see the pattern here - that pesky armoire. It's the one spot in the room without carpet.
We rushed out last weekend and bought two area rugs. The one in his room is a very large remnant that covers most of the floor. It's nearly the same color too so it blends. Everyone is much happier now. So now the new question is when will he walk? Some of the same friends have guessed a familiar time frame - 1 month. I'm guessing by Christmas which is what, six weeks?
Now it's time for baby proofing in earnest . . . draw locks, furniture ties, and the simple removal of some items from his room. The plants have already left. Smaller ones have returned in their place because they fit on the newly installed shelf that also houses some breakables. The mini fridge that has not been used in months is going to need to go too. We're a little slow in the baby proofing. We normally do it when we see an immediate need, as in that very moment (i.e. moving the plants).
Autumn and winter prove to be fun! Locked up indoors, away from the cold and flu, J will have ample time to explore every nook and cranny. I will thus have ample opportunities to find things that need fixed, cleaned and moved.

Not sure why he's making the funny face.

DeQuervain's tenosynovitis

2008-10-25T17:17:00.002-05:00

That's what I have . . . DeQuervain's tenosynovitis plus a case of intersection syndrome. Fun.

Basically, DeQuervain's tenosynovitis is common in new mothers I read. And carrying J is how I've gotten it. It started when he was 2 months old and was not large enough to sit on my hip and look forward. So I held him facing out with his back against me. Once the right wrist was inflamed, I switched hands thinking that would give the right time to heal. Well, the left is weaker so instead it rapidly became inflamed. That was May. By August my forearms were hurting and I went to the doctor. Tendonitis was the diagnosis and I left with a script for some NSAIDs. I took those daily and wore the recommended wrist braces. The meds helped but then the Rx ran out the pain came back exactly as bad as it had been.
I asked for a referral and saw an orthopedic a couple weeks ago. Now I'm wearing massive wrist braces with metal splints inside. Very pretty. At least they're black which does go with everything. I also have 6 weeks of physical therapy.

I really wasn't look forward to physical therapy. I've gone for my knee in the past. I'm not good at doing the homework so it was a waste of time. My bad, I know. So far though my wrists are so inflammed that I only have stretches - super simple stretches! I'm actually remembering to do them. Icing on the other hand, well, I haven't done that once. I know I should but I just never remember when I actually have time.
The appointments are cool. I have ultrasound done which heats up the tendons making them feel MUCH better. They feel better than any anti-inflammatory every made them feel. Then I stretch and do stregnth stuff . . . then the dreaded ice. Oh, yeah I may not have mentioned I hate icing too so there's that too.
That's the wrist issue. I really hope to get a handle on this and actually cure it. I need to be able to function better than I am now.

Massive Melancholy

2008-10-25T17:04:00.002-05:00

'Tis the season - for melancholy. I absolutely love fall but it makes me melancholy because I do not love winter. It's not the snow, or the craziness of the holidays - it's the darkness. It's the painfully dry and cold air that assaults my nose all season.
The crisp fall air is refreshing, especially after a stifling August. Not that I'd categorize this past August as stifling, though we certainly could have used more rain. The smell of the fall leaves is almost as delightful as their color. I relish the change of my closet - bringing the sweaters down from the attic and packing up the sandals. By fall my feet are as ready to be cozy in socks & shoes as they are ready to be free each spring.

I'm especially melancholy today because though my hubby does not leave for his business trip until tomorrow I really will not see him anymore until he returns. He got tickets to the PSU/OSU game and will be home very late. His flight is insanely early so he'll get most of his sleep on the plane. I would rather see him off at the airport than have things operate this way. I hate saying good-bye knowing the person is still around and I could be soaking up more time in their company. Frankly that adds to the melancholy. I'm happy I will see him for a few moments tonight and again in the wee hours of the morning. And in reality four days or so is not that long. I'm even luckier because my mom is coming to stay and keep me company.

I plan to spend my four D-free days working on my scrapbooks, recovering a couple chairs, and getting ready for Halloween. Oh, and of course hanging out with baby J and my mom. I managed to squeeze in an extra physical therapy appointment too (that's a whole other blog). So there are good points, but I will still miss my vbff, D, while he is away.

We are . . . PENN STATE!

Every morning . . .

2008-10-21T10:40:00.004-05:00

Every morning when J gets up, we open his curtains and I show him the sunrise. I tell him the colors and about our day. Then we head downstairs for awhile. I peel back the blankets that are keeping dog and cat hair off my couch and we nestle into the corner. J eats breakfast while I take in a little Morning Joe and the Today Show. When J's done eating we cuddle and play. I keep a few toy and books stashed in the living room for morning play. J sits on my lap and in between hugs and smiles we read, watch TV and he plays with his rattles and keys (or the remote if he can convince me it's his). It only lasts about an hour before his morning nap, but it's one of my favorite times of the day - every morning.

Every evening J also has a routine. Can you tell we (I) am schedule driven? After dinner we often take a family walk. With cooler fall nights becoming downright cold our walk is turning into family play time indoors instead. This is really the only time D and J get time to play. As J starts to get tired we get his bath ready, another time for he and D to bond. Then I step in, and it's another favorite time of day for me. I feed J his nighttime bottle, we cuddle, and I rock him to sleep. He chats with me a bit, we listen to the iPod (soothing singer songwriter music and other easy listening hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s AND today). Sometimes I sing to him. Soon he is off to sleep in my arms. He is so peaceful and perfect. It's a wonderful bookend to our morning cuddles and I will repeat it's one of my favorite times of day.

baby J is 7 months today

2008-10-18T10:52:00.005-05:00

Yesterday baby J had his 7-month doctor appointment. This is not an appointment most babies have, but we opted to spread out the vaccination schedule so we go every month. Well, we did. He gets a break for 8-months and we'll see what happens for nine. I need to get out my book and read up and then have a lengthy discussion with our doctor. I'm really happy with our choice in pediatricians. She is very candid when discussing which vaccinations she would not be happy with J skipping or delaying and which she is okay with him not getting.
I'm really torn about vaccinations. Reading the literature on both sides is confusing enough but having a study come out saying there is no proof vaccinations are linked to autism at the same time a family is awarded a settlement saying they are linked muddies the water even further. Personally, I think it's probably a mix of things like genetic predisposition, but also including all the toxins in vaccines and our environment. I figure it's better safe than sorry - on both fronts. J is supposed to get 3x the number of vaccines I got as a baby. That's a lot. We've ended up going with something less than the AAP says is a must but still far more than what I had.
This was the first visit in which J had a vaccine reaction too. :( He was cranky all day and seemed to just feel cruddy, plus had a belly ache which was apparent by the very messy diapers and poor little red bum. He woke up a number of times in the night and now is taking extra long naps today. Unfortunately I'm not.
Baby J is growing so fast! He weighed in nearly 2lbs heavier than last month and is nearing 20lbs! (actual weight 18lbs 15oz) They didn't do a height since it was not a "regular" well baby appointment.

I've been making baby food for him now for just over a month. He had a reaction to broccoli, but has enjoyed everything else. Tonight we try beets. I have roasted them and pureed them into an absolutely beautiful shade of red. Now I just need to choose my least favorite bib for him to wear and ruin tonight.
D & I have been eating the same food as J each week. Fresh sweet corn & avocado were first. Butternut squash is not in our normal repertoire so I googled some recipes. We had butternut squash & apple au gratin which was VERY tasty. For the edammame we had an Asian crunch salad (Asian coleslaw essentially - also very yummy). Tonight for the beets we are adding some feta and vinaigrette for a beet salad to accompany our hummus, flat bread and olives. I'm sure it will be delightful. I'm not sure what veggie is on the docket for next week. Maybe I'll let you all decide!

J is almost crawling. Last night I heard my name being yelled and I raced up the stairs. D claimed J took two "steps" (or whatever you call crawling). He did not repeat it for me nor has he done any forward movement this morning. Soon though, very soon.
I bought him some baby legwarmers from etsy last week. I plan to get some fabric paint to add traction. It's so sad to see him struggle on a moving rug or sliding on our hardwood floors. I'll be creating a Penn State leg warmer out of the navy pair I bought, and an argyle one from the tan. I need to de-girl the Family Guy pair that has Brian in a pink collar with pink flowers around it. I'm just going to cover all the pink in red and black. The fourth pair is checkered - think Nascar flag. D hates these, but too bad. I think they're perfect for keeping his little legs warm while he learns to crawl - and beyond!

landscape of over-thinking

2008-10-17T15:20:00.005-05:00

Not to be too Paris Hilton right off the bat, but my bff has left the building, the state, the country! Unlike the last friend to leave, this one has all intentions and plans of returning. Ironically, I was visiting with the former whom now resides in Brisbane, Australia (though sadly we were only in Cleveland) when I got a text message that my bff had safely arrived in Delhi, India. Via texts and a surprise phone call last evening, I learned that Delhi airport does not allow you to spend your 5 hour layover in front of a Cinnabon or Sbarro. Instead you must leave and sit in an outdoor lounge area until closer to your flight. I didn't really expect the Cinnabon or Sbarro but the time constraints on staying there was interesting to learn. I'm excited to hear and read more though I know the communication will be limited.
I said my final in-person good-bye the afternoon before she left. It wasn't until I got 3/4 of the way home that I became sad. I'm excited for her and her adventure but I'll miss her. The rest of that evening and the next day her absence became part of the larger landscape of my current mental obsessing . . . the what, where, when, how, and why of my life. Having J didn't automatically answer all these! Go figure.

One big conundrum we're in right now is (one we're actually revisiting) where to live. Luckily the housing market sucks (no, not really luckily) so we don't actually need to be considering options or fretting. That doesn't stop me though. I need to be prepared. When the day comes that the market has bounced back and people are knocking on (and/or down) my door to by my house I must know where I'll relocate. Will it be down the road, down past the Mason-Dixon line, or across the country?
I have two requests in my new home and unfortunately they do not translate into a singular location. The first is family and friends. Staying at home with J, I talk to far fewer people. It would be nice to live near friends and family so I was less lonely and J was able to grow up with a built-in network of kids to play with. The largest group of family lives in Dallas, and there's the bonus of friends there too. And while I of course have friends here, with the exception of the temporarily departed bff, we are not as close as the TX friend and I . . . hence the lonely comment. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not crying or chained to daytime television because I'm friendless or anything. And I am planning to join a mom group so I can have more of a social outlet for myself. I have to say my largest hold out with that is that I don't want to walk into a group of women who are totally unlike me. I want to find people I have common interests with so maybe friendships would more easily evolve. I sorta want to start my own mom's group . . . Progressive Moms of Northern Central Ohio (or something like that). With all the time on my hands, I should have this done by now!
Yeah, yeah back to moving. So why not go to Dallas and have holidays with the family and all the cousins can play together? It doesn't mesh with the second thing I want most - 4 seasons. I really don't want to lose the four seasons. I would move to Dallas short-term but I don't trust myself. I was supposed to be in Ohio under 5 years and 10 later I'm considering sinking the roots further.
It may not sound like a big issue and maybe it shouldn't be, but I think about it a lot. It doesn't help when I must give the financial planner time frames for things like buying our next house. I'm a 'sit still until you KNOW the right decision' type of gal. I don't really take many risks, especially expensive ones. So I will wonder, ponder, fret and obsess though not one of those has ever helped me come to a decision in the past. What is that saying about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome?

bedtime story

2008-10-13T19:56:00.003-05:00

a bedtime story . . .

Once upon a time,
in a land nearby
there was a Papa with puppies.
But the puppies were bad
and they made Papa sad,
nipping and biting all over the land.

Papa called and he wrote
and he prayed and he hoped
the man who could whisper the ways
to make the puppies sit, down and stay
would come his way.

Cats meow and basenjis sing
both waiting for the phone to ring
or the email to ding.

For a new alpha in town
Papa was ready to buckle down.
There'd be work to do,
but it's all for you.

A new day will dawn
as the lazy cats yawn
and the new pack leaders will be
Papa, baby J and me.

The End.

Commenting

2008-10-12T10:22:00.003-05:00

Welcome new readers, family & friends. If you want to comment without having a Gmail or Blogger account you can! Shannon does a great job telling you how, if you need assistance read this.

Hope

2008-10-11T20:34:00.010-05:00

This has been a really good week for me. I've gotten more than my fair share of great surprises. One surprise was finding out I was going to Barack Obama's rally here and that I was going with VIP tickets. This is the only way I could go considering J needs to eat every 3 hours or so, and D was working in the morning. So? Well, that meant standing in line was not an option for me. With the VIP tickets we showed up and walked right in with the press. It was great to get out for the afternoon and be myself. I love staying home with J, but I've not really had many/any opportunities to spend the whole afternoon doing something I wanted.

[Noelle, Tammie, me]

I wasn't super excited until I saw Obama walking up the stairs. I was happy to be out and thought it would be an interesting event. We were seated with other politicians, and right in front of the bullpen where all the speakers were prepped. I was able to meet a number of people that are currently running for offices at the local, state and federal levels. That was pretty cool. It was especially cool to see how much like me they seemed. Well, most of them seemed shockingly normal, though some had airs about them. We sat next to Danielle Blue who is running for OH state senate. She's really young and so we talked to her about how she got into politics.
Anyway, after all the speakers (Governor Strickland, Cordray - running for AG but currently Treasurer, Senator Sherrod Brown, and Mayor Coleman) Obama came up the amphitheater steps and entered the crowd just in front of us. I was ridiculously excited at that point and I think I may have squealed with delight. What is it about him? I heard him speak at the convention in 2004 and he is eloquent and charismatic. So is it just that, charisma? I have to think it's more than that as I've met other charismatic people. Maybe it's that charisma is often mixed with charm and I often find the latter suspicious. I believe part of Obama's appeal is that he oozes authenticity.
The economy is on everyone's minds and that's what he talked about. He touched on healthcare too. Honestly though, when you have to wait in line for hours to see a candidate speak and you make the choice to do that - you're not an undecided voter.

[I got to shake Obama's hand!]

I know I'm voting for Barack Obama.

Barack Obama's proposals are the ones that will help me, all my friends and all of my family. . . and the country.

I'm a stay-at-home mom now. I'm supposed to be working from home but there's just not much part-time work to be had. I do sometimes worry that I did not chose the best time to quit a job that was really stable. I'm also starting a second business, t-shirts. So I'll be one of those small business owners everyone likes to discuss at rallies and debates. I'm voting for Obama because I like his tax plan. His tax plan is for working families. The current model hasn't created a sound economy but the opposite and families are suffering incredibly. We really can NOT afford more of the same. I need a change, and so does my 401k!

When I was working, in a white collar field, even I saw jobs being sent overseas. I saw U.S. vendors being told "no" while we sent stuff to India. No wonder when I try to find a freelance job with those vendors there are none to be had. It made my stomach turn when I saw it in the office, and it still does (just now it's a more personal, close-to-home reason). I'm tired of seeing jobs disappear. I noticed Wal-Mart doesn't even promote that it's goods are Made in the USA anymore. They have the same cheap, dangerous Chinese-made crap that everyone else does. I want to buy American. I want to see factories making goods here. I cannot support any politician that supports sending jobs overseas. Obama is the candidate that opposes this, not McCain. This is a BIG issue for me.

I'm frightened that I would not be approved for healthcare, or even individual services through my provider. I could go bankrupt if I got sick - even though I have "good" coverage. We've worked hard to have what we have and I don't want to lose it. Though Obama's healthcare proposals are not as widespread as I like, something needs to happen. His plan doesn't include tax increases, but I'd gladly pay a little or even a lot in taxes to know I would stay healthy and solvent.

I want my son to enjoy the outdoors. I want him to be able to sit in the sun at the beach and feel it's warmth without worrying about skin cancer. I got to do that when I was little. I want him to be able to hike in the woods, see the arches and hoodoos in our western national parks, know what polar bears are, and rain forests too. There is so much awe-inspiring beauty in this country, in the world, and baby J deserves to enjoy it and feel the sense of awe we all do. All of our children and grandchildren deserve better than what we are preparing for them.
We need a big change in our energy policy not only for the environment but for our foreign policy as well. We need to get out from under our middle Eastern oil addiction. We need to invest in Earth's natural energy - the sun and wind. Drill-baby-drill won't help us for nearly a decade and even then it's the tiniest of band aids. I want a REAL solution and I want it now. Obama has a 10 year goal. I like that. I like that he's willing to put out timetables that he can be held accountable to.

I love America. I'm very independent and admittedly left of mainstream, so I value freedom. It's what our country was based on; it's what our forefathers fought for; it's what my grandfather fought for. So I cannot vote for those who want to destroy our Constitution and the freedoms granted to us within it. Obama (though more of a moderate than I) has a much more respectful stance towards our Constitution than his opponent . . . reason 5 I'm voting for him.

The economy, jobs, environment & energy, healthcare, and the foundation of our country . . . these are the issues that are important to me. Well, I should say they are the issues that are most important to me.
I was raised Christian in a lower middle-class family in a very small town in mid-Atlantic America. I have taken the values I was raised with (by a staunchly Republican father who taught government & politics in high school and a mother who has been both a Republican and a Democrat) and used them to find my way in politics.
I've taken the compassion and love taught in Christianity and turned that into my desire to help my fellow human. I believe that social programs are essential in this country and a moral obligation. I've taken my upbringing in a lower middle class family in a small town and I've turned that into my desire for jobs to stay here. My home town is really depressed and it's sad. There is potential there but the jobs are gone. I've taken what my father taught me about our government and I LOVE our country, history and politics. I'm amazed at how forward thinking our forefathers were and how amazing a country they were able to create the foundation for - this is my love of Freedom.

I'm voting for Barack Obama.

He's inspiring. His ideas are finally a real change for this country in a direction we need. His plans will help us all. He is authentic, intelligent, and well-spoken. He is presidential.

For more information on his policy or if you question things I've written please visit one or both of these websites:
Barack Obama & Joe Biden 2008
PolitiFact.org

September

2008-10-07T07:43:00.004-05:00

I'm a little late with this, but I wanted to write about J's September. It was a big month for him! He reached the 1/2 a year mark mid-month. I can't believe it. And everyone here and in TX kept saying, "Oh six months is such a good age." I know. But those comments only make me sad that he's growing up so fast. I know each stage will have it's pros and will be a good age or fun age or something. I just know to some extent the days of him being happy being held so much will be short-lived. I'm excited about what will replace that but sad too. I try to not to concentrate on either emotion and just enjoy the moment. I think that's why we're already into October and I've not written this.
Starting at the end of August, J had cereal for the first time. We went ahead and started solids a couple weeks "early" for a few reasons. One was that I wanted him either eating them well or not yet eating them at all when we traveled. The second was that he was cutting his first tooth. His bottom right center incisor was the first to erupt. Almost immediately the left showed up too. Now his smile and laugh are even more incredibly cute.
He started with rice cereal and moved on to oatmeal rather quickly. Now he mainly eats oatmeal though I think I will move on to multi-grain or barely soon, just so he has some variety. His first veggie (or fruit technically) was avocado. It didn't need cooked so it was chosen as the first. He liked it after he got over the shock of eating it. Second was broccoli but he hated it (sobbing on day 2) and he had a mild reaction. We abandoned broccoli for fresh sweet corn. He liked that. Now we're finishing up peas, and I have a butternut squash on the counter that I plan to cook today. I'm trying to incorporate his food with ours. So I'm planning to use the squash in our meal tonight as well. We're having butternut squash & apple gratin (and I'm adding fake chicken). I think beets will be next but maybe green beans if I can find some fresh somewhere. If not, I'm not opposed to frozen - the peas were frozen. I also have edamamme and I'm considering trying a legume (maybe lentils).
September also marked J's first plane ride. He did great. He slept and played both ways. He also did pretty well with his schedule being all messed up during vacation. He stayed up late, slept in funny place, and only had a couple meltdowns. I did not do as well. I'm not the best traveler, but by just doing it and forcing myself hopefully I'm helping him to be better with it than I am.
I think he learned to roll over in September, if not it was late August. I should recall these things! I do have a little video so I can go back and look at the date on it. Now he rolls all over and is up on his knees, rocking back and forth with the occasional face planting as he tries to move forward. He's got all the movements, he just needs to coordinate them now. Yesterday he was working quite hard on learning to sit up. He can sit up if you place him in that position but he was learning to get here on his own. He's close. That will mean the crib needs lowered!
We're totally not ready for all this mobility yet! The house isn't ready, the dogs aren't ready (oh that's a blog all on it's own - and not a happy one - stay tuned) - not ready!
too, but with the addition of the fleece he needs on these cool fall nights, it's a bit snug. I think he's just about outgrown it. I'm not sure if we'll get a backpack or not. We'll probably be able to use the We got out his jogging stroller when we returned from TX. He seems to really like it. It's better for all the bumps on the walk and he gets to snuggle in with a blanket. We still use the frontpackfrontpack a few more weeks and that will get us deep into fall and downright cold temps. Then he'll have to be in the stroller, bundled up nice and snug. We'll what we need in the spring.
I have to say, I'm so excited for him to experience every season. While the economy & housing market has made our decision to stay in OH for us, the desire for J to know fall & winter is also making me want to stay here. TX fall & winter is the same season, cool and blah. I think I'd rather have snow! I know he won't really get to enjoy the seasons this year. The next few years he'll get to do a little more each time fall & winter roll around. I have fond memories of those seasons as a child and I want him to have that opportunity too. We'll see how life evolves.

Work

2008-10-06T13:45:00.002-05:00

I'm sure there are more than two types of people when it comes to work, but off the top of my head I can only think of two. 1) Live to work types . . . they love their jobs, found their calling, or are simply workaholics. 2) Work to live types . . . they do the job and go home.

I've always been a type 2. I'm glad that when I got into the corporate world and began my life in a cubicle, I had a boss that didn't want us staying late. First it was because we got paid for overtime and there was no budget for that. Then it was simply because we should have been able to get our work done and go home. There was not enough work to become a martyr.
I work to live. I've often wondered if this is just who I am or if it's because I've not found my calling yet. I was undeclared in college. Then I proceeded to get a workstudy job in the career center where I took every personality test I could. I met with each advisor in case I'd have an epiphany with one. It never happened.
As we graduated, everyone seemed to have such a clear idea of the path they were taking. Jobs were secured, and graduate schools entered. I took a part-time job at a veterinary clinic to get the hours I needed for vet school. I ended up hating the job and moved on to the before mentioned cubicle job within 6 months.

I'm lucky to have had the opportunities I have. I call it luck because I have never and still do not know what to do when I grow up. So the fact that I ended up with a skill set that allows me to work from home while raising baby J can only be luck. Maybe it's divine intervention, the universe taking care of me, something other than luck but I guarantee you it's not my own grand plan.
With that being said, finding work is proving harder than I'd hoped. I've seen plenty of people move on to freelance. Many of them secure work immediately and that first contact leads to more and more work. I had hoped the same would happen when I got a job right away. So far it has not led to another. I'm not desperately in need of work, but I may be soon if the dry spell continues.

All in all, I'm trying to look at the bright side and take this slow time as an opportunity. It's an opportunity to do all the things piling up on the back burner that work would not afford me the time to do. Mainly (on the work front at least) my t-shirt business. I have all the specifications done. I've also found a number of artists by asking people here and from hubby D asking at his work. I even had the radical idea to contact a blog writer in the Caribbean (the theme of my line) and ask for referrals - he gave me two! So now I need to contact them. I'm being a bit skittish about it because I really feel like I need to meet with a lawyer first. I need to know I will have no issues owning the artwork produced. I'm not sure if I can copyright artwork I commissioned but did not create - or is that a trademark or maybe it's neither. See, I need legal help. I called someone but they never got back to me. That's on my list of things to do ASAP.
I'm really excited about the shirts and I wonder if years from now I'll look back and see that this lack of work was another bout of pure "luck."

Past is Prologue (modified)

2008-10-03T08:21:00.006-05:00

I come from an extremely small town in Western PA. We have a single stoplight at the junction of two state roads, and a blinking light to warn of a blind spot on a busy road. That's it. There is a DQ, and 7-11, and a handful of small businesses. It's no Mayberry - well, maybe a grungier, redneck Mayberry. Many of the residents are former steel workers, at least a generation removed from their farming ancestors.
I graduated with 86 people in my class. Our high school has grade levels 8-12, with no A/P classes and virtually no options to explore ideas, activities or fields (with the exception of Home Ec and Shop classes I guess). There was an uproar when I was a junior I believe because they were restricting who could take Chemistry II. You had to be in the gifted program. Many of us had taken Chem I, did well, were college bound and wanted Chem II but were told no. Why would educator say no to kids who are eager to learn? Why hold us back like that? It's beyond me. I had two teachers that were wonderful. My biology teacher really prepared me for college work, and our English teacher was extremely difficult but taught me a ton (She made me actually like diagramming sentences!). I could fill another blog on the other teachers and their less than stellar teaching.

Needless to say I was in for a culture shock going to college, in a "city." (Well, Erie is technically PA's 3rd largest city though by most standards it's tiny. My college was downtown though and it was still drastically different than my little town.) I went to a small Catholic college and continued along a pretty conservative path.
Senior year I had an honors class with a Jesuit priest. He'd been an activist for pacifism for decades. Our class was essentially critical thinking - that's it. How awesome is a class that just wants you to think . . . think critically, think outside the box, think for yourself, THINK. Father Susa changed me. I did start thinking. I started to become the Shannon all of you know. I took my Catholic upbringing and used that sense of right and wrong to think about the world.
Surprisingly (well, to me then - not to me now) I ended up moving farther and farther from conservative politics. I was seeing the conservative message in our government not mirroring the Christan teachings I'd been raised with. As I neared my first "real" presidential election, I was really torn. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time I could not vote for the lesser of what I thought were two evils so I voted 3rd party. Ugh. So my vote helped OH go to Bush because I voted for Nader. And pair that with the state of FL handed to him by his cronies, and ouch we have the last 8 years of horror.
This election had farther reaching effects than forcing me to be more aware about politics, the politicians, and the decisions I make regarding them. Seeing the family values tour of the Bush Administration made me question Christianity.

I was very active in the 2004 campaign. I was shocked that Bush was re-elected. I didn't understand how his lies, ENORMOUS government (and debt), and destruction of our constitution was okay with so many people. My mom said 'you can't change presidents in the middle of a war.' Well, since we didn't we still have a war now and guess what - we're changing presidents one way or another. Yes we can! :) It's amazing how Change, which has been the cornerstone of Obama's platform since the very beginning, has now been adopted by McCain. Hmmm.
Last night I watched the Biden/Palin debate. I have to say I'm insulted by Palin. They call Obama an elitist but I find Palin and her group the same. They look down their noses on those of us who worked hard to educate ourselves. Maybe we really like to learn, really like school, or simply followed the rules our parents put forth and continued with our education. Again, I'm brought back to my small town where it was deemed the right thing to do to keep students from learning and advancing by denying them opportunities. I guess then the fact that our schools rank so low compared to other countries isn't a big selling point for the Palin fans. Who needs education!?!?
Sometimes I feel like common sense no longer exists.
Rich Republicans call Democrats elitist. People using government programs vote for the party that will reduce or remove those programs. People in favor of a small government and fiscal responsibility create the largest government & debt ever. Christians traditionally vote Red, a party that breaks the commandments AND wallows in the seven deadly sins . . . not to mention their complete disregard of the greatest commandment. Love your neighbors as yourself.

I had not planned to end the original blog in such an angry and Palin (vague) manner. And my issue here isn't actually with common sense. I'm really confused and upset over the idea that education is not good. That education makes you an elitest who thinks you are better than others. I resent that. And I don't understand why we want our president to be Joe Sixpack. Do we want our doctors to also be Joe Sixpack?
I used to naively think these politicans were just crazy. I knew no Joe Sixpacks who hated educated people or education in general. But then I realized not only did I know them I was related to them. A few years ago I responded to a political email (one of those forwards) that was sent to all my family from a family member. While the email was mean spirited, I didn't take it that the sender was and neither was my response. I simply said, hey! I fit most of those catgories guys. The response I got (not from the sender) was vicious. I was attacked in part for being educated. What? I was floored. My attacker was really blood related to me? Did they not realize I was following a rule set by their sibling, my parent?
So I don't take kindly to being made to believe as an educated person I am an elitist, that I look down on people, that I want my government to tax everyone to within an inch of their life. I care about my family, my friends, my neighbors, my fellow citizens . . . of the world. I only want to see people everyday people like my friends, family, coworkers and neighbors get what they need and have a chance at their idea of the American dream. Every single Democrat I've ever met shares those ideals.

Rent or Own

2008-10-02T20:29:00.002-05:00

I'm a follow the rules kind of girl. I never wanted to admit that but it's true and everyone who knows me know that. So I did well in school, went to college, got married, got a job and then a house. It's the American dream, right?
So here I am. We've been in our home for over 9 years now. Fortunately that was before all the predatory lending, though even then we were qualified for more than we could afford and would have been encouraged to spend.
We looked at fewer houses that we probably should have and fewer than we would have liked. We also didn't see houses in some areas of the city that we now wish our agent had introduced to us. Sometimes we second guess our choice, even 9 years later. Sometimes we still get frustrated that for this to be our dream house we'd have to pour even more money into it.
Don't get me wrong. We've done a lot of work and we love our house. We'd love it more on a quieter street, farther from a railroad crossing, or without our current neighbors. Our house has become a warm, comfortable and relaxing home. The first few years it was a house, but yes now it is a home.

Earlier this week, I received a link to an article touting renting over owning. I have to say it was food for thought. Can a rental feel like home? I think so. Can you find one roomy enough? Of course, and isn't simplifying a good thing too?

I was surprised by my reaction to the article. I'm always on realtor.com looking at homes in this area and other cities. Could I rent? Is it feasible? Would I be happy? Surprisingly I think I could and would.
The article points out that people pour lots of money into their homes and often the increase in equity only keeps up with spending. So when you sell your home you often do not get anymore than what you put into it. So it's not a good investment. If you rent but put all that money into something in which you earn interest you come out farther ahead. (The article doesn't simplify it quite so much of course.) It's an interesting idea.
After being in our house for 9yrs in a city that avoided the sharp increase (and hence the decrease) in housing prices. So the equity we now have in our house IS almost exactly what we've put into it with upgrades. Hmmm.

Honestly, part of why I'm willing to consider renting in the future is my recent rip to Texas. My sister-in-law recently moved into a brand new apartment complex. It was modern (open concept, stained concrete floors) and beautiful. If it had an additional bedroom and allowed pets (maybe it does) I could be sold!

Focus

2008-10-01T12:25:00.003-05:00

I'm lacking focus. I cannot seem to really focus on writing. I've had time over the past few days where I could have been writing here but instead all I did was think about my dear little blog. I'm not sure what to write about. I'm even having trouble writing this.
Trouble. The trouble is not a lack of desire to write but more of a block. I know I'll get here and end up with a little update. I might as well call this a list of lists instead of a blog.
I'll admit part of the problem is audience. I'm not sure I even have an audience let alone who they are and why they're reading. That's only a fraction of the issue though because my posts have rarely been related to or spurred by an audience. I've considered republicizing my blog with potentially new readers. Then I feel like I'd actually have to commit to writing though. And I'd need a focus with which to lure them.
The obvious focus would be J. I spend the vast majority of my day tending to his needs and interacting with him. I could easily write a blog all about him, and I've considered that as a viable option. I'm not exactly keeping up with the baby book so having a blog to refer back to for important things would be nice. Well, because of course someday I'm going to write all that down!
But I'm not just mommy. I've only been mommy in fact for 6 months and while it is all consuming now, I'm still me. Surely I can find grown-up things to write about, but honestly past pop culture and politics I'm not sure what that would be. I have a tendency to drift into whining and that wouldn't increase the size of the audience.
I feel like I've been battling this blog nearly since it began. I loved it when I had my travel blog. It was focused. I felt good about what I was saying though I still don't believe I had much of an audience. But THIS blog has been a horse of a different color. It's not been a source of much of anything positive for me though it has potential. With that being said, I just can't say good-bye to it quite yet. Instead, I will again tell it, myself, and my audience that I'll write more often and better.
Oh yeah, and I should also mention - I take this way too seriously!

Hola Tejas!

2008-09-17T19:53:00.003-05:00

Today was our first full day back from our trip to Texas. We spent just about a week there. It was J's first plane ride (he did great). We spent the whole time mainly just hanging out, waiting for Ike to arrive. Little did we know he'd breeze right by DFW and slam into the midwest (including central Ohio here). We came home to power and little damage so we're happy. Now it's time to settle back into routines.
Here are some of the details . . . .

I was nervous. I was worried J would cry uncontrollably. He didn't. He fussed a little here and there but for the most part was great. He was the hit of the second leg of our Southwest Airlines flight from STL to Dallas. He got a 1st flight certificate and a pair of wings. Very cute. They were all super nice to him and J returned the favor by flirting non-stop with anyone and everyone he could see. He loves to smile.
We landed in late afternoon and by the time we got through traffic to D's sister's dinner was waiting for us and J had gotten his late afternoon nap. J was more than a little overwhelmed with excited cousins crowding his space (before this he probably didn't realize he had such a large comfort zone), new faces, new places, and a new bed! He had a meltdown which led to a hasty night ritual but he did sleep all night.
We spent our first day visiting, and our second day at Grapefest (just in the evening). Ike was hitting the coast and vendors were packing up since he was heading through DFW, supposedly. Saturday it rained but not even heavy rain and not all day. We had a group photo and then went to a wedding shower with more family (my side this time). That night was all about Guitar Hero and a quest for D first to beat Slash and later the Devil before we headed home.
J continued to do well, rolling with the punches of yet more new faces, staying out way past bedtime, using a stroller in a new fashion, photos (ugh), and the time change. He was a real trooper. He only really had the one meltdown the first night.

Stay tuned for tales from the second half of the trip, another night.

nervous nelly

2008-09-07T20:14:00.003-05:00

How my poor heart aches
with every step you take

It seems like nearly everyday J is learning something new. It's exciting, but bittersweet also. Yesterday morning I awoke to J awake & squawking as usual. But when I looked at the monitor to assess if I really needed to get up yet or not, what I saw caused me to leap out of bed with shock. It was nothing bad, just a surprise. J had rolled over onto his belly. Now he's doing it all the time. Unlike rolling onto his back from his belly, this he loves. He spent quite awhile on his mat this morning rolling around and seemingly loving it. This afternoon I caught him getting up on his arms & toes for a moment and other times today up on his knees. Crawling is not too far off now. He's so different than even a month ago or for that matter 2 weeks ago. He notices his toys, he gives hugs, he's much more interactive with us now, and of course there's the rolling.

Soon he'll be on an airplane for the first time. I'm rather nervous about it. I get stressed when he cries in Half Price Books so crying in a flying metal tube with God knows how many other passengers, well that's about more than I can take. I've already begun to stress out subconsciously. I'm great at convincing myself that by doing an Excel spreadsheet for both J & I (of what to pack of course) and making lists of what we need to purchase are things that help me not only prepare but remain calm. No. It just keeps me busy mentally and physically so I don't dwell, but deep down it's already lurking. I know because I've had a stomach ache for 3 days now. I blamed it on the vitamins I took that one random day, but I know better. My neck hurts from the stress lingering in my shoulders.
In comparison to the flight, the actual stay out-of-town in a home with both a 3yr old and 2yr old is nothing. Well, almost nothing. I do worry a little about J's sleeping arrangements and if curious toddlers will cause any interruptions. I also worry a little about 2nd daycare germs but that's part of why I'm still nursing. After all that comes the naps - we've spent all week getting J used to napping in his crib. On the 4th day he caught on and is doing really well now. Let's hope that lasts with all the running around we'll surely be doing.
Oy vey! I sure did inherit the worry gene. Not exactly straight from grandma considering my dad has it too, and I believe he shares it with his sister (and I with her daughter). Well, no alcohol or Xanax while nursing so I'll have to settle for some ice cream.

Enjoying the present

2008-09-04T20:31:00.004-05:00

I'll start with a quick update on J. He's changing so fast and these days he is almost always learning or doing something new. This morning started with his monthly progress assessment (he's fine). J & I will be focusing on fine motor skills (switching the toy from hand to hand & working with an offered third toy). I'll also be encouraging elevated play while sitting to help him strengthen his neck muscles and keep his head upright. He's not sitting unassisted yet. We're also going to be helping him learn to "army crawl" (gulp).
I'm not too excited about crawling. I know it's coming - soon. He's growing too fast and crawling is the gateway to independence! I already miss him falling asleep in my arms and sleeping on me for his nap. In no time at all (in roughly 2 weeks in fact) he'll be closer to 1yr old than newborn. Ugh! Besides we're having dog issues. The pack has become wiley and aggressive, and fall will bring all species together under one roof until spring. That will get me out of the house everyday!
Last Thursday, J had solid food for the first time (rice cereal). Since it'd been a week and we really want him on oatmeal we got to switch him today. He seems to enjoy it as much as the rice. Finally, during his bath tonight he decided his toes indeed DO look delicious. They finally made it to his mouth, yum.

Outside of those updates (which really do make up the majority of my time considering J is my job currently), I chose a logo for my shirts today with the help of some friends who voted. There was a clear winner and as soon as I have the logo in-hand I'll most likely post it here with more info on the business.
I also spent some time avoiding a blog today. My friend Aj sent it and it's written by a friend of hers, H. Aj sent it along because it's a lesson in making the most of today and how small things can be as memorable (or more) than big extravagant things. It's really the day to day times people spend together and the everyday encounters that can leave lasting impressions and mean the most. I think it's also a reminder that the only time you have is right now, this very second. The past is gone and the future is not promised to you. I'm avoiding it because it's sad. I'm playing the part usually left for Aj (who does not want to waste time with unhappy movies or books) and avoiding reading what I know does not have a happy ending. Or a happy beginning as the blog was started 1 month after H's husband died of cancer. They have a young daughter and a newborn son and I was familiar with her husband's struggle through Aj the past few months. It's of course terribly sad, and it hits far too close to home. As much as I also avoid reading Eckart Tolle, I think I'll pick up his book this evening in lieu of finishing this blog. I'm going to have to read his unemotional plea for everyone to be present and live in the now, versus her emotionally charged, and frankly uncomfortable healing process. It's how I'm going to live in the present because it's safer. Maybe safe is not what I should do or what others would do but it's what I've chosen. Now as part of being present, I need to abandon any guilt I feel for such a decision. [Exhale.]

Bizzzness

2008-09-03T20:10:00.002-05:00

I'm officially an entrepreneur. I have one business up and running (Full Circle Editorial & Research) though I've only had one job so far. I'm hoping to help out on another one in the near future and supposedly all my contacts will have stuff available in the fall. I'm biding my time and remaining hopeful. I don't need a ton of work - leftover scraps and filling in gaps are perfect for my schedule.
I'm using this downtime to get my second business started (name is not set though I'm leaning towards one - stay tuned). This would be my t-shirt business. D helped me map out an 8-month plan to have t-shirts in hand. I need them by mid-May at the latest so I can take them to vendors starting at the end of May. This month I'm supposed to fill out my art specifications and locate artists. I'm workin' on it. I have had some referrals over the past few months and have been getting a few more. This afternoon, procrastinator that I am, I decided I needed a logo to sit atop my art specs. Surely there was a way to get one quickly online - yep there is. Logo Maker lets you build one using their graphics & fonts (and Pantone colors). You can invite friends to vote on your logo options (they do not have to sign up for anything which I like). Then once you are settled on one you purchase it. The cost is really reasonable. I may have a logo as early as tomorrow. Exciting. Now if J will adapt to the new nap time location I'll have time to work on the specs!
I've honestly spent the last couple weeks stuck. I've been spending too much time on Facebook and LinkedIn. I've researched tons of things on the Internet and spent way too much time on IM. I need to be more focused. I think I will be. I do have the 8-month plan. So now I will not get lost surfing the web trying to figure out where to start and what to do first (t-shirts). And I will not stare blankly at my Gmail account, continually hitting Refresh in hopes a job has fluttered into my InBox or someone has joined my LinkedIn network. I have a plan, in list form no less. I'm ready!

J.O.T.

2008-09-03T19:53:00.002-05:00

Rather than do one super long bullet-list of updates, I'll just do a handful of hopefully better thought out entries. I just can't seem to get to this site often enough to avoid the list. So now this blog is becoming a list of lists.

J.O.T. - yeah, that's the boy. He's getting big. I'm losing track of days, but early last week we noticed J has a tooth. His first tooth at 5 1/2 months old. It's his bottom right and his bottom left is next. In fact, based on the rash he had yesterday, I'll expect it to break the surface by Friday. He had a rash now almost 2 weeks ago and I rushed him into the doctor for it. We re-washed all his clothing after a diagnosis of contact dermatitis and re-reading of the laundry detergent instructions. With the soap being concentrated and having new high efficiency machines I was overdoing it by using the same amount I always have with regular soap & machines. I was using nearly 3x the amount I should have been.
Even with the overuse of soap my mother insisted that the rash was due to his tooth. She's "seen it a million times before." Well, yesterday it re-appeared and both the doctor and mom say the second tooth is ready. So if we're following a rash then tooth pattern then as I stated the tooth should break the skin by Friday. We'll see.
Tomorrow is our second visit with the Help Me Grow (HMG) specialist. J was automatically qualified for the county program due to his NICU diagnosis at birth. It wasn't a diagnosis that affects him now at all except that it puts him at risk for developmental delays. HMG's early childhood specialist comes out 1x a month to assess his development. So far so good. Tomorrow she may not get to work with him though as it's prime nap time.
Naps - that's a whole other can of worms these days. Since he'll outgrow his swing within another inch of height, and because we're traveling in a couple weeks, I decided he needed to start taking naps in his crib. He thinks this is a terrible idea. I don't understand - he sleeps there all night. He's getting about 1/4 the nap time he should be because he's spending it fussing, writhing about in frustration, playing, and screaming/crying. It has my nerves frazzled. I hate to hear him cry but when I walk in to pat his belly and calm him down half the time he giggles. I'm being played! I'm trying to be strong and stay out of the room until he falls asleep but when he gets to the screaming/crying part I have to go in and soothe him. Tomorrow is day 3 of the process. I had heard babies adapt in 3 days - I think he's on a slightly longer term plan but we'll see. I'm hopeful AND tenacious!
What else . . . oh, yes - RICE. J has started on solid foods. He's had rice cereal now for about a week and I think tomorrow or Friday we'll move on to oatmeal. He's doing really well and seems to really like it. He gobbles it up. I really have to watch for his subtle 'I'm full' signs, if that's what they are. He's not mastered the feeling full thing yet at all.
Grandma & Grandpa were here last weekend for my birthday. However it was J that got all the gifts. We made a stop at Toys-R-Us and he made out like a bandit. We're holding back some of the toys so he'll get new things every so often, not that I think he necessarily notices. I do know he gets bored with toys though, but after a few weeks he normally will like them again and play with them in a whole new way (like his playmat). We've already had to move his exersaucer height up a notch. It seems like only a week or two ago that he fit in it at all and now he's outgrown a notch! He really is growing so fast. The time is flying as all you moms (and dads) out there can surely attest to.
More updates later.

end of July

2008-08-06T09:22:00.004-05:00

The start of another month! July has gone out like a lion and August is coming in the same way. We're so busy! I wouldn't think a stay-at-home mom could be that busy but I really am. Even though I'm still patiently waiting for the promised onslaught of work to come in this week, I'm already definitely not bored.
Last week . . .

J learned to put his binky in his mouth himself. I learned yesterday he's using an "inferior pincher" grasp which is 3 grasps from where he was a month ago. He's doing good in the fine motor skills area!
J started exploring his parents' facial features (mainly just mom's); he continues to struggle with rolling over but gets it about 1/2 the time
He is exploring his voice - he spent the week "growling" and now is moving into squealing and shrieking. Wow, shrieking is ridiculously loud
With a sick kitty (renal failure) and an elderly dog, of course we could not have a simple time of getting the pets ready for our trip out-of-town. Tate went to board at the vet (sick kitty) while our elderly Cleo traveled with us to my parents'. The other 2 cats (yes we have 3) stayed home with toys & huge bowls of food. The other 2 dogs (yep, 3 of those too) were driven 40 minutes south of us (oh, and yeah we were heading north for the weekend) to board because their local place was booked.
We spent another weekend in PA, this time visiting my family. I helped my mom throw my dad a surprise b-day party (by help I mean that I planned & executed the whole thing but did not have to pay for it - perfect!). My dad actually seemed surprised though he was suspicious when my uncle from TX showed up Friday night with my brother in-tow (in from Vegas). It went well and the cake was absolutely amazing & delicious. It was from Clarencedale Cakes. They did my baby shower cupcakes too. Yum.
Though I look a bit frumpy these days and spend way too much time in pajamas, I was pleased to put on shorts & capris that were not only understandably tight this spring but tight last spring . . . . but they weren't tight this weekend! Our nightly walks are helping my waistline and hopefully helping me get fit in general.

This week:

J had his Del. Co. Help Me Grow assessment. His early childhood person came in and played with him for about an hour. He's doing great! He's ahead in a few places, on track in most, and there was only one place where he could end up behind if we don't work with him. It's our fault, again. We thought it was okay if he liked to stand instead of sit so we let him. Well, apparently he is resisting sitting because it's more difficult. Well, that's going to have to change. I dusted off our exercise ball (pathetic that it was soooooooo dusty - says a lot about our resistance to working our core too!) and learned some exercises for him. We can both workout with it now!
J also had his first sick-baby appointment. He's fine though so we figured while we were there we'd get his 5-month vaccines too. He seemed to take these worse than the previous ones. He was more tired & cranky than before and there is a knot in his leg. He weighed-in a pound heavier than 3 weeks ago. Sounds pretty good to me.
I'm supposed to get a ton of work this week. I'm glad to have this job and I suspected this would happen. I just hope I don't disappoint them and can get it all done in time! And then get more work from somewhere!
I've done nothing with my t-shirts. Ugh. I know what I need to do next but creative ventures take a lot more time for me. I need time to think and mull things over much much more. Hopefully I figure out a plan and get something accomplished sooner than later.
Speaking of creativity, another task I had for this week was getting a selection of my photographs framed for display. It's all in who you know, right? Well, D needed new artwork up in his store, in a hurry for this week. So he just broke down and asked me to put mine up since he had no time to get stuff from anyone else. I'm excited to have them up, but nervous also. Once I saw them they didn't look that good - they didn't look worthy of display. But if you want to judge for yourself stop by the Lane Avenue Starbucks. :)
More J news too of course. He started to really enjoy his jumperoo this week. D put him in it on Sunday evening when we got back from PA. He started jumping all around and spinning to look at the different toys. Yesterday he got a little upset when he was taken out of it!
Last but not least . . . Friday. It's our 10 year anniversary. So we're going out to dinner. It'll be the first time we leave J with anyone. My parents haven't even watched him yet - only when we're in the house. So T will have them while we are out. We're leaving her our frontpack so she can take him for a walk. He's a big ole mama's boy and there's a good chance he'll flip out with her. He did in PA - he wouldn't even look at my dad and screamed when he held him. He let my mom & sister hold him but not for long. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about him flipping out, not that something bad will happen or that T can't handle things. Though that screaming is about impossible to work with. I'm sure it'll be fine. :)

let it be

2008-07-30T12:39:00.003-05:00

I suppose if asked most people have a view on whether God, the universe, fate, destiny or fairies have a grand plan for your life. Because of that little freewill thing, and my identifying with the idea of being independent I'm not sure I believe it's that black and white. I do believe in the power of thought, collective consciousness, etc. And I have been dabbling in feng shui and other manifestations of the Law of Attraction long before Oprah highlighted The Secret.
In fact we've had a feng shui consultant out to our house twice now. The second time was to prep for baby J's arrival and for a supposed promotion opening up for D. He'd just been passed over for a promotion and we were still in shock - we're a little biased but thought D was the best candidate by far.
Over lunch with friends a few weeks ago we discussed vision boards. D & I each made one at the beginning of the year and his has been hanging up where he could see it each day. Mine never made it off the computer for technical reasons. My friend said how things were going really well for her and I mentioned the promotion never came to fruition. She stated the obvious that maybe that was not what was supposed to happen. Maybe the thing D really craves that he thinks the promotion would have given him could not be attained at this time through that path. Maybe the universe knew better than us and had/has us ultimately on the "better" or "right" path. I hadn't thought of it that way. When I told D he was not amused, always the sceptic.
Well, yesterday was "black Tuesday" at my husband's company, or so the gossip site was calling it. They had already had some store closings and done some layoffs in stores and at corporate. Yesterday, without much notice they hatcheted away at middle management partially due to fewer stores and partially do to some internal changes that made few positions necessary. If D had been promoted instead of the other guy or if the 2nd position had ever materialized he would be unemployed today - demoted at the very least. While the last one is not horrible, unemployment would have been considering I quit my job in May to stay home with J.
During our nightly walk last night D said he was beginning to be a believer in the everything happens for a reason idea. Our impatience and annoyance over the past few months is easier emotionally and financially to swallow than loss of a job or demotion after months in a higher paying position.
Yesterday we were reacquainted with gratitude - hopefully we aren't as lax in stating it in the future.
We don't know what the future will hold for D professionally, but we're trusting in the universe to provide for us as long as we do the work that's necessary, have a positive outlook, and show our thanks.

Poll

2008-07-01T15:16:00.003-05:00

Just here for the poll . . . . skip down. Wanna read my short, neurotic prologue first, then keep reading.

I hurriedly signed up for polldaddy.com so I could create a poll to email to all my peeps. I didn't really think about the delivery method for said poll. Then I was given a java script and told to put it in a blog or MySpace. Not ideally what I was looking for.
Why? Why do I care? Well, while I welcome the votes, I have no idea who lurks here.
Again, why do I care? Because this action clearly shows how much I think outloud and run things past people to help with my decision making. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I admit I often wish I could be more like people who . . . . just do it or who are a lot less talk and a lot more action. In any case, vote please. Poll closes on July 4th (or sooner). Feel free to add your own as well.

Thanks!

I need a name, well I need a series of names (an umbrella LLC name; tshirt name & freelance name). Help! :) Thanks. ( polls)

Off and running . . . well, almost

2008-06-28T12:06:00.003-05:00

I met with an accountant this week. This was one of the "must do" items on the checklist(s) that was allowing me to continue to procrastinate - I mean, it was keeping me from moving on and getting these businesses up and running. It was a successful meeting; I learned a lot including that I have at least one follow-up meeting necessary to get things in order. I can get started though choosing a name (or names), getting my FEIN, sending out my resume, and becoming a separate legal entity from myself (at least according to Ohio). However, I must admit this lingering meeting is singing it's siren song, calling to me to do nothing, to wait just a little bit longer.

I admit that being a somewhat obsessive list-maker and procrastinator is perhaps an odd mix. Yes, I make lists just so I can then stare at them and do nothing. Well, not exactly. Honestly, I do find that a list helps keep me from procrastinating. Being disorganized is just one more item that will freeze me in my tracks indefinitely.

Part of the procrastination is the relationship I have with my inner critic - I almost always fold to her negative thoughts. In cahoots with her is the confused part of me that has never known (and still does not know) what I want to do with my life (professionally speaking, and of course outside of winning the lottery). I'm sure there is a part of me that knows the correct path and if I could quiet my mind and meditate for a few weeks, months or with my luck, years maybe I could learn what that path is.

The past few weeks (oh, about 14 of them) have been full of changes and while I now consider myself very adaptable, I could do better. I need to do better. I can't keep up and adjust myself fast enough. I would say for the most part I'm in a rhythm now, it's just I need to find time in to squeeze in work. I'd also love to squeeze in a little time for myself, time at the gym, time to read or write or both, and time to interact with other adults. I'm fine combining some of these into one - time for me, at the gym, with a new magazine. It's the interacting with other adults that's really lacking. I would say that is the biggest sacrifice of no longer working outside my home, bigger than even my salary.

I realize I'm on the border here, or maybe the 4 Corners of various emotional states, none of which would be fun to blog about let alone read about. My intention is not to make either of us uncomfortable here. I'm working towards something here; I think.

The past few days I've been extra whiny about life in general. I'm not whiny in a way implying I'm not happy, or I need a major change, or things suck. I think I feel growing pains these days about as often as I imagine J does. Just when I think I'm used to things, I'm not. Or just when I think I can start incorporating something of my former self back into life, I can't quite yet. And really to say I've been whiny isn't really that accurate I don't think. I tend to spend much more time in a state of melancholy than whiny, angry or any other negative emotional state. I've been very melancholy - to the point that I keep being asked if I'm happy and if not what would make me happy. I don't think I'm unhappy and I couldn't begin to guess what would make me happy if I'm not. So good thing I'm not - unhappy.

So after a few days of this circuitous, self-inflated drama I opened up my TiVo today to finally find a new Oprah. I don't care who hates her, and I'm shocked to see so many people do. I like her enough and I admit to having to restrain myself from running out to purchase many of her favorite things or recommended books. In any case, she had yet another follow-up on the Law of Attraction. I've come to really believe in this more and more over the past year or so. In both positive and negative ways I've seen both D and I attract things to our lives. The show was another wake-up call that I'm in control here. Drawing from another author in the self-help genre, I need a paradigm shift.

My melancholy, negativity, self-doubt, and general bad attitude is surely attracting more of the same back to me right now. I need to change my thoughts, my attitude, my behavior and in time things will be better. Yes, things could potentially be better in time regardless. However, I have two businesses I'm starting and I feel the timing to do so is right now. If I wait, our budget issues will hopefully be taken care of by D getting a promotion this fall. Then I'll have even less motivating me. I need to do it now. Being positive can only help - especially if it will attract positive energy, people, ideas, and events back to me.

If and Now

2008-06-18T12:58:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this today, though I must admit in my struggle to stay focused on now, I often find myself dismissing the past and the future obsessions with this brush off. I'm warning you, it's very cliche, . . . everything happens for a reason; or perhaps you prefer the more freewill version, I wouldn't change any of my decisions as they've all made me who I am today. I like who I am today, where I am today, and the potential I have for the future. I consider myself very fortunate and blessed. Even when I'm obsessing on the past or future it's not because I'm unhappy or not grateful. It's usually because I'm antsy. I'm not ambitious though or competitive. I resist both those labels though D insists I am both.

[side note: I saw a blogger listed their cast of characters in their profile and I'm very tempted to steal the idea]

Anyway, I don't normally write about religion or spirituality though I feel like this blog fits into that category. I was raised Catholic and never questioned anything - held by tradition, family and fear which as I aged seemed like poor reasons to remain part of any religion. Having been without for awhile, I'm not in the market for a new one. I'm happy being spiritual and leaving the red tape behind. With that being said, both D & I were raised more on religion than spirituality and we both worry J needs to be also. We also think he needs Sunday dinners at grandma's every week and holiday picnics with cousins and friends, but that's a whole other blog (or is it?). Oh, and let me clarify that we don't think J needs to be raised without his spirituality in mind, but that he needs a solid helping of religion to structure that for him - or really for us I guess.

In any case, I'm really antsy these days. J is growing so fast and I don't want to rush things as it will fly by fast enough. I want to relish every day and every moment. The fear of losing this time is overwhelming some days and I focus on that when I wander out of the present. At the same time though, I find myself excited for him to sit up, hold his own bottle, etc as this will surely make my life a little easier and allow me to get more done. I'm also often looking ahead to fall when the next promotion may (or may not) be posted at D's company. That is probably the biggest future item I obsess over. And it's pointless as it is completely outside our control as to when a position is posted and if he gets it. I'm still reeling from his not getting the last one but since this is a public forum that's all I have to say about that.

D's not getting that promotion had to have happened for a reason. Was our feng-shui off? Did we have lingering bad karma? Did we just not pray hard enough? Though that was not a choice we made, it's still shaping the people we are, and I feel like I know the reason it happened. It was for me.

Like I said, I'm antsy these days. Another side of that is the need to feed my entrepreneurial spirit and see the ideas, plans and hopes I have become realized. If D had gotten that promotion I doubt I would feel nearly as antsy. We'd have enough money each month so I wouldn't need to work. I could join mom groups and blog all day. Surely in the long run that wouldn't make me very happy though. So it's a good thing that I'm being forced to hurry up and get things moving. This way I'll be off and running by the fall when hopefully what's meant to be is a promotion for D, and not because we need it but because he wants it, has worked hard for it, and deserves it.
It's a balancing act, this now thing. I don't feel like it should be but it is. I'm getting better at it. Stopping and looking at how good a life I have helps. Stopping and watching my son smile, nap or learn the tiniest thing helps. Now IS all we have.