If and Now

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this today, though I must admit in my struggle to stay focused on now, I often find myself dismissing the past and the future obsessions with this brush off. I'm warning you, it's very cliche, . . . everything happens for a reason; or perhaps you prefer the more freewill version, I wouldn't change any of my decisions as they've all made me who I am today. I like who I am today, where I am today, and the potential I have for the future. I consider myself very fortunate and blessed. Even when I'm obsessing on the past or future it's not because I'm unhappy or not grateful. It's usually because I'm antsy. I'm not ambitious though or competitive. I resist both those labels though D insists I am both.

[side note: I saw a blogger listed their cast of characters in their profile and I'm very tempted to steal the idea]

Anyway, I don't normally write about religion or spirituality though I feel like this blog fits into that category. I was raised Catholic and never questioned anything - held by tradition, family and fear which as I aged seemed like poor reasons to remain part of any religion. Having been without for awhile, I'm not in the market for a new one. I'm happy being spiritual and leaving the red tape behind. With that being said, both D & I were raised more on religion than spirituality and we both worry J needs to be also. We also think he needs Sunday dinners at grandma's every week and holiday picnics with cousins and friends, but that's a whole other blog (or is it?). Oh, and let me clarify that we don't think J needs to be raised without his spirituality in mind, but that he needs a solid helping of religion to structure that for him - or really for us I guess.

In any case, I'm really antsy these days. J is growing so fast and I don't want to rush things as it will fly by fast enough. I want to relish every day and every moment. The fear of losing this time is overwhelming some days and I focus on that when I wander out of the present. At the same time though, I find myself excited for him to sit up, hold his own bottle, etc as this will surely make my life a little easier and allow me to get more done. I'm also often looking ahead to fall when the next promotion may (or may not) be posted at D's company. That is probably the biggest future item I obsess over. And it's pointless as it is completely outside our control as to when a position is posted and if he gets it. I'm still reeling from his not getting the last one but since this is a public forum that's all I have to say about that.

D's not getting that promotion had to have happened for a reason. Was our feng-shui off? Did we have lingering bad karma? Did we just not pray hard enough? Though that was not a choice we made, it's still shaping the people we are, and I feel like I know the reason it happened. It was for me.

Like I said, I'm antsy these days. Another side of that is the need to feed my entrepreneurial spirit and see the ideas, plans and hopes I have become realized. If D had gotten that promotion I doubt I would feel nearly as antsy. We'd have enough money each month so I wouldn't need to work. I could join mom groups and blog all day. Surely in the long run that wouldn't make me very happy though. So it's a good thing that I'm being forced to hurry up and get things moving. This way I'll be off and running by the fall when hopefully what's meant to be is a promotion for D, and not because we need it but because he wants it, has worked hard for it, and deserves it.
It's a balancing act, this now thing. I don't feel like it should be but it is. I'm getting better at it. Stopping and looking at how good a life I have helps. Stopping and watching my son smile, nap or learn the tiniest thing helps. Now IS all we have.

Groundhogs '08

Every year we have groundhog adventures. We have a mama that lives in the lumber yard next door. Each year she has a bundle of babies (6 this year). Each year those babies end up venturing into our yard. Some years that ends badly for the babies but some years it ends well, after a struggle involving me, normally barefoot. Tonight I had on shoes and D at my side, but I couldn't battle the "hoggies" without a handicap of some type so I carried J with me. We couldn't very well leave him in the house alone, or babysat by the dogs, and D was not handling the situation. The hoggie was languishing in the yard.
We spotted the hoggie standing up against the fence a groundhog parody of a scene from COPS. Zulu was lying in the yard about 3 feet away, watching and waiting. Then the hoggie decided to make a run for it and Zulu was up in an instant. Jeremy came racing across the yard to join him. As I saw this happening through the kitchen window and relayed the info to D he dropped his shoes and went out, yes, barefoot.
We got the dogs out of the yard. They hung out on the back porch. Well, "hung out" isn't the correct term since they were whining and scratching to get out and get at the hoggie. I took the branch from D that he was using to coax the lil one out of the yard. He (D) seemed a bit too nervous that the lil hoggie was going to charge him. I find these time very amusing. See D and I grew up only about 10 miles (if that) from each other. We went to the same school and know the same people. I always find it interesting when one of us knows something different. He grew up in town and I grew up in the country. I guess that and my annual hoggie adventures have eliminated any fear of the animal I had.
It took a few minutes but eventually the hoggie bolted into the yard (he had been cornered by D in the back where we assumed he'd been heading towards an exit - no) and then back towards garage and the hole that apparently exists under the fences.
Hopefully this has traumatized this lil guy enough that he will not venture back into our yard. Otherwise, his next trauma may be a little more violent. He was lucky. Had the 'senjis been in pack mode it would have been more difficult to escape unharmed. Good thing Cleo is mostly deaf now and had no idea what was going on. She's actually the killer in the bunch. She gets a cold-blooded look in her eyes. I'm being completely serious - anyone that knows Cleo may think I'm being facetious but I'm not.
D is also going to have to get the gopher stakes into the yard. I hope they work.


In other news, while scaring the crap out of a baby groundhog I realized how nice out it was and suggest a walk. D and I got out the front-pack for J. It was his first time facing out. He did really well and has officially graduated to the facing out direction. He seemed to really enjoy looking around and he stayed awake the entire walk. This is especially good because I've been wanting something else for us to do during the day that would not equal a nap for him. His bouncer, swing and carseat all put him to sleep. He normally loves to play on his playmat but he seems to have lost interest for now. He's not big enough yet for the sitting toys (exersaucer & jumperoo) so I've been at a loss for ways to let him entertain himself. Anyway, now we have walking. Maybe we'll start to go down to the bookstore in town every day for some tea or something. That's about all my stay-at-home-mom budget would allot, in fact it sound like a splurge so maybe it would be a weekly tea adventure.

this week's omen

I used to check my FreeWill Astrology every week. I haven't checked it since I went on maternity leave though (until yesterday). I like this week's but I really need to ponder it a bit.

"The job of the newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable," said journalist Finley Peter Dunne. In that spirit, Virgo, here are your assignments for the coming week:
1. Critique and question and agitate the parts of yourself that are complacent or addicted to convenience.
2. Give help, sympathy, and encouragement to the parts of yourself that are off-center or out-of-focus.
3. Shake up the static, habit-entranced situations you see around you.
4. Be generous and creative with those who are suffering.

a trial run

Today was a trial run of a work session. I need to carve out about 10-15 hours a week to do freelance work (I hope). Today I started with 3 hours of uninterrupted time, behind a closed door, with J being tended to by his dad.

I got D sailing lessons for father's day (they start tonight) so he's taking Thursdays off. Now at least for the next 5 weeks I know one day a week I can definitely have a portion of the hours I need. Of course I have no work yet so it's not critical I find all 10 or 15 of those hours. What I'm doing right now is the legwork.

I have an appointment with an accountant at the end of the month and that should coincide with getting my FEIN. I may need to incorporate as well, so that will also happen at the end of the month. In the meantime, I'm getting color palettes together for the art I'd like designed and I'm looking for job postings for freelance work.

I found an events planning job posting today. I love planning events but have never done so professionally. I think I'm going to apply and see what happens. I'm not sure I have enough time to commit or that it will be a work-from-home-part-time opportunity. I figure it doesn't hurt to find out though. Having professional experience would help me determine if this could be a business I could do in the future.

What about freelancing? Yeah, I'm not that excited about it. I have little faith in my science skills, and not much more in my writing skills. Besides, I've never known what I wanted to do with myself as far as a career. I claim to be non-ambitious and non-competitive but others have said that's not true and I just haven't found my purpose.

In any case, I filled the three hours today and felt rather productive. I hope to do the same tomorrow though I must work around some already planned events so it won't be quite as easy. J is getting his 3-month pictures taken! Of course we're going to the mall location that takes 2 weeks to get you your images. In a digital world that's a bit ridiculous but for $4 a sheet what can I expect?

It's getting to the end of another 3 hour stretch. What's this magical 3-hours to which I keep referring? It's how long J goes in-between meals. He's stirring in his swing now, getting hungry for dinner.

Mi Vida Dos

What a difference a month makes, well for some things.
I had hoped and planned to be blogging more often than once every few weeks. In time, I'm sure that can happen. I'm now able to shower daily without sacrificing eating so we're moving right along.
We celebrated Father's Day a week early because my gift for D was an activity that starts this week, and D had accidentally scheduled himself to work on Father's Day anyway. Jokingly, well in part jokingly, D said all he wanted from J was that he (J) sleep through the night. And wouldn't you know it, J slept 8 hours Sunday night! He'd done a couple 6hr stints and even a 7 once or twice but never a full 8 hours. Happy Father's Day, D! Of course last night he reverted back to 6 and his midnight snack took quite awhile with J's inability to burp or be burped. We feel like we're on the cusp though and soon 8hrs will be ours, and his, nightly.

As for the bottle/breast battle I spoke of, it changed quickly. I'm certain the war is not over, but the battle has a victor. J decided he would nurse saving me the double-duty of feeding by bottle and then pumping. It is a time saver and everyone is happier I think. The only side effect we've noticed is that J has become a mama's boy. He wants to be with me all the time and even D cannot soothe him. This makes me worry that any time we've gained by eating from the source is going to be lost with soothing tantrums. We'll see.

The plan I hear from D is that he and J will be doing some outings when I have work to do. I'm not sure what those will entail but I think the bonding time will be good. Speaking of work, I have an appointment with an accountant later this month. It's much later than I wanted but it's the only slot that worked. In the meantime, I'll be working on cover letters for vendors and my resume. I'll probably email past colleagues too even though they are the reason I really need my FEIN.

I'm starting a second business as well. I'm protective of it right now but will start to talk about it more as I get things done. I don't want to talk a lot about it in case it falls through or something. I will say that the first thing I'll need to do after talking to an intellectual property attorney is to commission some artwork. So if anyone knows any artists or graphic designers looking for short-term freelance work let me know! I'm at a loss for how to find these talented people to work with me.

That's the update. I hope to write more soon - on more varied topics and perhaps something a bit more in-depth into one subject or area I'm mulling over rather than what could be a bulleted list (I do love those).