the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker

I'm clearly not grown up yet. I've determined this because, with the exception of being a mom, I have no idea what I want to be or do . . . when I grow up. I thought this was something I would figure out in college as I diligently went to class (nearly each and every one) carrying with me the knowledge I was "undeclared." It's all good and fine to be undeclared but you still have to take classes and unless you want to stay all summer (each and every summer) or start tacking on a fifth or sixth year then these classes are determining your major. That's how I graduated as a biology major. Sometime in the next year as I crawled into a large steel cage to scrub the last remnants of dog feces off the back, I realized this wasn't for me. Animal rescue was where I could fulfill my desire to help animals. Veterinary school, I decided, was a way to get even farther into debt and a sure fire way to prevent myself from being able to become a stay-at-home parent.

I never applied to veterinary school, and I didn't even attempt to find a calling after that. I applied for a job I still feel I was totally unqualified to get (not unqualified to do), but I got it. I learned a ton and I loved it. I ended up leaving it about seven years later not because I wanted to but because I needed to grow; I was stagnant. I'll skip the next two positions I held at the company because really they just lead to my becoming a stay-at-home mom. They gave me the experience I needed to freelance and the 'I'm so over it' I needed to make the leap.

So here I am, and I have to say I'm heading down a path that in my mind ends in one of two places . . . I will either be wildly successful and you will see me tearing up as Oprah interviews me OR I will end up as the crazy, jumping from one thing to another mom who is exponentially more embarrassing than the already very embarrassing "normal" mom.

Ah, yes laugh.

Job one for me is "homemaker," and I gotta say, I hate that word! It's weird and old-fashioned to me. Let me re-start, job one for me is stay-at-home mom (which is longer to write but more appealing to me so I'll suffer with the extra keystrokes). Job two is the very limited amount of freelance work I do, and if I continue in this limited capacity I will not be able to call myself a freelancer for much longer. Job three is the apparel company I started. I need to devote a lot more time to this one. It's on the cusp of where I could grow it into something really good. If I leave it for too long, like a houseplant it'll shrivel and die. I recognize it needs tending, but I'm a terrible gardener and apparently I'm no Trump either.

I'm easily distracted. I feel like I should take this opportunity to try things out but then I have too many plates spinning. I also lose interest in things when they get confusing, not difficult but confusing. I can handle the stress of something difficult but I freeze up when I'm confused. I think I'm looking for something that will come somewhat naturally to me, like being at home with J.

Why am I confessing all of this? Because today I want to (again) become a baker. Seriously, you ask. Seriously!?!? Well, yeah why not. There are all these recipes that look so yummy and everyone loves sweets! I'm not talking about opening a storefront, just baking here for us (for starters). Of course, I have no need for sweets (see "blogcation" post), and I can think this through logically and tell myself to let this one go. I have enough going on and clearly this is a distraction from coming up with something to send as a query to my regional parenting publication. I can come back to baker when the kiddos are in school and I have a purpose for baking - after school snack anyone?

Up next - modern day Mrs. Ingalls right here in suburban Ohio! That's right. Landscapers are coming tomorrow to start our master plan. In it I will be sure they make room for my garden as well as raspberry, blackberry and elderberry plants along the back fence. I'll need all of this for canning (okay, and baking).

I'm really not sure what my deal is, but I can say after the cathartic experience of writing this blog I can see the battle lines are clearly drawn. This appears to be a struggle between modern, career mom and old-fashioned homemaker. I'm not sure there are enough hours in the day or enough energy in my body to accomplish both. Maybe I should consider starting to drink coffee (gag).