Mi Vida (Part 1 - unemployment & introductions)

I quit my job. Today was the day that became effective even though I cleaned out my desk on Friday. I gave the last 3 weeks of my maternity leave (vacation) as my notice. This seemed a little shady, but 1) I figured they'd found someone to do my work for the last 6 weeks so what need would they have for me to come back for two weeks? And 2, I called our corporate HR for advice and they were fine with my plan.

It was less bittersweet than I expected - mainly just sweet. I will really miss the people I work with including those who read my blog and a handful of others. I hope I'll be able to stay in touch with them. The lack of sadness isn't all that surprising to me. I'll delve into that in a future blog (probably entitled something like 'What I want to be when I grow up). It's a topic almost as worrisome to me these days as the loss of income. Income is the number one worry though which is why I'll be freelancing ASAP.

The only issue is the "P," as I have no idea when work will become logistically possible considering most days I do not shower and if I do I almost certainly will have to skip eating to do so. This is just another introduction to yet another topic I will hopefully find time and motivation to write about here - breast/bottle battles. Not only do I obviously need to feed J, but I must also pump since he still refuses anything but the bottle he came to know in the NICU. At some point he either needs to change his attitude towards nursing or I have to face the decision of going to all formula. Being a long-term unpaid stay-at-home mom is not an option for us financially so I need to free up some time for work.

Fortunately, when I gave my notice I received two potential sources of freelance work. I also have vendors I have worked with in the past. AND I'm fortunate enough to have worked with photography, editing, writing, and project management during my time with the company so I have a variety of skills to offer. We'll see what I can find out there that fits into my part-time availability and skill set.

Speaking of that, I'm not very confident in my skills, one more reason my departure was more timely than sad. Though I wanted to believe I would have gained confidence in time, I didn't and worried I never would. Maybe it was a wall I built, but maybe it was actually a warranted concern. We'll see how freelancing goes, maybe it will give me the answer.

This is a less than eloquent post. Part of me wants to go back over it and finesse it into something less jarring and scattered. But I think I'll just leave it. I feel scattered so it's fitting. And besides, the boy is crying and this could very well be the 'I want my momma' cry that he's been using. It's flattering and I don't mind at all, but it does increase the limitations of what I can get done. Oh well. Cuddling it is!

Again

Again, I want to get back to blogging. I have a good deal of computer time at my disposal now. It's one of the few things I can do while holding Mr. Squirmy during his demanding times and/or cuddling times. What I usually end up doing though is IMing. I enjoy it, and it's the most adult conversation I get each day considering when D gets home we split up and tackle baby's needs, ours, dinner, etc. Divide and conquer! I feel like as the at-home mom I should be doing it all but that's not happening yet. I'm not sure when or if it will.

In any case, I want to write. I want to do something constructive with my time. I need to feel more like myself as most days I cannot locate her. And I can't stand to watch much more HGTV in HD or otherwise.

I came up with a list of topics I've been meaning to write about. Things I want to explore for myself really that I'm cool sharing with all y'all too. So now I just need to choose one and go. Simple, right? I'll try (that reminds me: there is no try; there is only do or do not) to be positive . . . yes, simple.

3 weeks ago

It doesn't feel like 3 weeks ago, but it was. Let's back up just a bit farther. On my last day of work, I left midday for lunch out and then an OB appt. My blood pressure was up so I had to have bloodwork done and rather than go back in a week I had to return on Monday for a re-check (unless of course I got a call on Saturday saying to head to the hospital to be induced). Deep down I knew I wouldn't get that call on Saturday. I wasn't sure how Monday would play out though. Luckily I packed for the hospital Sunday night, just in case. Good thing. They could not get my bp to go down even after they had me rest. So I was able to go home and get my things, feed the dogs, schedule the petsitter, and then get to the hospital for my induction.
A mere 12 or so hours later (far too many of which were sans epidural) Jack Owen was born or as he was known for the first few days, Baby Boy Thompson. He missed sharing his grandma's bday by about 8 hours. He was 5lbs 13oz - smaller than everyone expected. Of course he was/is shockingly cute. He went to the nursery to be fed and monitored because his glucose levels were low. The nurses suggested I nap while he was away. When I woke up, hours after I expected to have him back with me I learned he'd been taken to the NICU and the neonatalagist was coming to talk to me.
I was calm until he came in and while it sounded like Jack's issues were not too severe, the doctor lacked any sense of a bedside manner and I burst into tears barely before he left the room. Jack's glucose issues took nearly a week to get under control, and in the meantime he has other problems with platelets and jaundice. Of course that was a very difficult week, and going home without him was surreal and not right.
He's home with us now though and he's found his voice. And we've found he's not as laid back as we thought. After a pediatrician follow-up, another round of tests, and a weigh-in at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center, I can say he's doing great. He's gained 14oz already and surely some length too as his sleepers are fitting much better. He's eating more and sleeping pretty well. I bought a sling so we can walk during these bouts of gorgeous weather. That's a favorite activity for me, but I think Jack's favorite thing is eating, followed by kangaroo care napping (aka skin-to-skin napping).
More update will surely follow, but for now there is just a lot of sleeping, eating and of course pooping.

Dens

A couple weeks ago we took advantage of Dr. Foster & Smith's anniversary sale and bought the basenjis each a "den." It says right on them "pet dens." They were immediately assembled and left out so the boys could get used to them. Cleo didn't get one - she has her bed and is happy there and does not roam.
The plan was to start (what we assumed would be a painful process) having the dogs sleep in these dens when my maternity leave started. That way Zu was not crated most of the day AND night which seems quite unfair and unhealthy for him. Of course it's his own fault he is crated - if he would just chill rather than be destructive he could lounge around free all day like the other dogs. Though after Saturday morning maybe freedom with each other isn't a great idea for the dogs anyway.
Speaking of Saturday - we decided two angry dogs with wounds might as well start sleeping in their personal dens right away. Each den has a pillow, and we placed our space heater between the two to ensure the pups would be warm enough. J went in after the bait (cheese) without issue, laid down and cleaned himself then slept. Zu on the other hand went right in after the bait, ate it and then seemed to have a "wtf" moment when he realized the door was closed behind him. Even with his e-collar on he managed to get to the pillow and rip into it. He only hurts himself. He had to spend the rest of the night with only the plastic bottom to sleep on. He had bouts of wakefulness that contained scratching, digging, yelping and general anger at wanting out but for the most part he was okay (or maybe I just didn't notice - I was taking full advantage of some earplugs I had).
Last night was worse. Zu only slept for about 5-6 hours and that was split into a ~2.5 block and ~3.5 block of time. His behavior escalated also as he added chewing, thrashing, and whimpering/crying to the mix. I woke up this morning knowing it will get better - though unfathomably it could get worse first I suppose. I also thought cool, I've survived a sleepless night and I feel ok. I know that's going to become the norm here pretty soon and I've been a bit worried about it and how I'd cope. I'm still nervous considering that was only 1 night.
In any case, there's no going back. We cannot reason with the dogs and come up with some part-time system like only having them in dens on weekends or stopping now and going back to it in a few weeks when I'm on leave. It's begun and we must continue - we must win the battle and get them (him) over this hump.
We'll see what tonight holds. I'm working to attract a good nights sleep with calm, happy, positive thoughts of nested basenjis, warm and snuggly in their dens. I know it's happening. We are receiving that, but it just may take a few days.

Cluster

Today has calmed down significantly. This morning was a complete clusterfuck.
The dogs would not let me sleep in - I was only hoping to stay in bed until 7am but at 6:58 all the dogs were up and one was puking under my bed. I should have known the day would be "interesting" but I'm trying to be positive and follow the law of attraction.
I thought I took the rude awakening rather well and just continued with my morning getting breakfast ready for everyone, doing my shot, and getting a shower. It all started to plummet when I went to let the dogs out and J was growling and protecting the food he didn't eat. I managed to get him out of the room & the food picked up while Zu waited patiently in his crate. I let him out and we headed to the door to get everyone outside. J came in and went after Zu immediately. A tussle like that isn't abnormal; someone gets rolled over and there's a raucous. But this morning Zu rolled J back over and attacked back. I could tell instantly things had escalated and we had a real fight happening. I tried to use the bath towel still wrapped around my wet hair to break them up, then Gato (our big male tabby) came running in and literally jumped on the pile of dogs. That worked for only a second and I tried to keep them apart but failed.
At this point I'm freaking out. They are gnawing on each other and I can see both are covered in blood. I'm worried I won't be able to break them up and they're just going to kill each other like wild dogs. I was yelling by this point as if that would help. As if hearing they might kill each other or that I could go into labor with all this drama would make them stop.
Next I tried to use the dog bed to break them up, then the rolling desk chair (stupid idea it was the least helpful item). Then I hear a familiar shrieking - Gato is back, screaming like a banshee and jumping on the dogs - AGAIN. All that did was get him tossed aside and tufts of his fur went flying. I moved on to the baby gate at this point - thrusting it into the swirling mass of basenji trying to separate them. I think what ended up working was that they were tired. I got them into the hallway and they were no longer rolling around. I grabbed J (who had Zu's neck in his mouth) and just shooshed them and tried to calm them down. I pulled J off Zu and thought - SUCCESS!
Nope. Zu came after him again and I tried to prevent him from making contact by lifting J off the ground by his scruff. So here I am swinging my 30lb dog by the scruff of his neck, about 3ft off the ground while the other dog leaps up and grabs onto some part of him. So as if I had not already surpassed the weight I'm supposed to lift I'm now swinging 2 dogs in the air. Zu quickly loses his grip and fortunately it's just as J is being swung in front of the bathroom. I threw him inside and slammed the door.
I'd had it. I'd physically and emotionally had it. I walked into my room leaving J in the bathroom and Zu in the hall to lick their wounds and I collapsed on my bed. By now I'm hyperventilating. That was more of a workout than I'd had since June or July. I was shaking and a bit worried about myself at that point. I needed to calm down and get my breathing under control so I called D. Of course he was out-of-town today! I know this would have never happened if he were home. He would have just grabbed a dog at the beginning. I stupidly thought the fight would not escalate and of course I didn't want to risk getting bit in the mix. I woke D up; he probably thought I was in labor, but I tried to get enough words out so he knew I was okay. As my breathing got under control, I could feel my lungs burning and I started coughing. I'm still coughing hours later. I hope it's just due to irritation and my defenses didn't get low enough to let one of the bugs going around settle into my chest.
So now it's early evening and finally, after the morning melee, 2 visits to the vet (1 for each bastard-ass basenji), and $400 in vet bills I'm relaxing. I'm not relaxed yet, but relaxing. Tonight D will be home and the dogs will spend their first evening in their new dens. We bought them for when the baby comes and have had them setup for awhile so the dogs could get used to them. We hadn't planned to have them start sleeping in there until I went on leave but things change. They may not even spend the night in the bedroom at this point. It's not that I'm angry. They're dogs, and not the most domesticated breed so I know these things can happen. I mainly just need my rest. I need to focus on me tonight after focusing on them all day.
So much for tackling anything on my "to do" list today. I'd like to say I'll make up for that tomorrow but I won't and shouldn't. I'll just pick a couple items and then plan to relax all afternoon and evening. I'm starting to take some half-days next week at work. I hit a wall around 2:30pm everyday and by then it seems pointless to deal with the hassle of the comfort room so I just work through the exhaustion. I imagine this is just going to get worse so I asked if I could split my personal days into halves and take a couple each week. I hope that does the trick.
Speaking of naps - I think I should take one before I make myself or the pets dinner.