threat level tonight . . .

Indecision: Yellow
Over-thinking: Orange
Fretting: Red
Change: Red

:) Things were getting too serious.

Shush

I started watching The Dog Whisperer. I have a backlog of nearly a dozen episodes (on my DVR). I watched another tonight. The foundation is walking.
So tonight the walks began. We only went around the block (the big block); it took about 20 minutes. Zulu and Cleo started off with me. Jeremy was with D. About halfway through we swapped dogs.
For the first night they weren't that bad. Z & Cleo behaved right away (sorta). I knew J would be an issue, and he was. It actually got worse. Only a few feet from home, he mustered all his energy to hop on his hind legs towards a squirrel.
The walks will continue - and soon with new leashes. The current leash situation made walking just that much more difficult.
Stay tuned.
Miraculously well-behaved dogs on the horizon!

Gourmet #1

This weekend was our first gourmet. We hosted it, and the theme was Native American food. We spent Friday and Saturday getting ready. We had a lot to do, including clean the house, and buy enough dishes for 16 people. And we had to find a way seat 16 people!
The weather didn't cooperate - it was raining, sleeting, and it even snowed a bit.
But the food turned out well. We made Three Sisters Stew which is touted as being from the Oneida nation. And we made frybread which is apparently a staple to many nations including Navajo, Cree, and Seminole. Both were really easy to make, and everyone seemed to like them.
Our menu consisted of:
Popcorn
Three Sisters Stew
Frybread
Squash bread
Carrots
Acorn Squash
Wild Rice Salad
Honey Apple chicken
Lakota Plum cake
Sioux pudding
Yummy, Yummie, Yummy!!! :)
The company couldn't be beat either. The 16 people we had over included the Gourmet's core group of ten, plus extra guests we (the hosts) invited. We had to have three tables to accomdate everyone. This was the only negative of the night - it decreased how much everyone could talk and get to know each other. I would have liked to talk to more people, more.
We're taking May off, but someone will be hosting our second in June. Yeah!
I feel like I'm missing something.
It was tons of fun - tiring, but fun! Can't wait for the next one!

over-thinking

I didn't re-read that last blog, but did I mention over-thinking? I get sucked into it. I think it could be part of the indecision. But so is my ridiculously tight grip on life.
I'm going after change. I can do it.
BUT that opens the door for thinking, planning, questioning, and generally driving myself and others crazy. Fun. So now I need to just STOP IT!
Ugh.
Nothing is going to be perfect and I need to make choices and live with them. By the time I weigh ALL the options, the options change. Or, my favorite, I add to the options. There's the times when I'm trying to decide between nearly opposite things, conflicting things, or nearly identical things. It's enough already.
So if I really want to do something, have something, be something, go somewhere, etc. I just need to do it. Now, in my own defense, I often simply don't know what I want.
How can that be?
Or more importantly, how can I figure out what I want?

And lastly, does "over-thinking" have a hyphen?

are things getting too deep?

Do you like change? Do you ever crave change?

I go through stages of being pretty content, working towards a goal, and wanting a change. Of course, that’s probably typical for a lot of people. It just annoys me. I like change, but I hate craving change. I wish I could just settle in and be content with things for longer than a few months at a time. Nothing is so bad in my life that I need to change it. So I’m not sure why I behave like this.

In general I have a tendency to view the grass as greener elsewhere. But I also have a problem with trusting myself and choosing a path, green or not. I stayed in a job that I liked for way too long. Yes, a job I liked, but it was a dead end. I needed to either be happy where I was, and stay there with little advancement and little learning, OR move on into some kind of unknown. After whining and complaining and fretting for 2 years I finally made a change.

If I like change, why am I so slow to make it? I don’t know.

Unlike some, I can deal with changes that I don’t control. I won’t say I love them, but I cope. I don’t seem to trust myself though in making decisions to initiate change. Thinking back, the only reasons I could have to not to trust myself are cases where I didn’t make a decision. I can’t think of many (any) decisions or changes I’ve made that I’ve regretted. Based on that, it would make sense that I should “go for it,” and make some decisions. Life will be fine. It’ll go on. I probably won’t even regret it.

Ah, but some of you who know me well may have other insight. This goes back to my recent post where I asked if I was delusional. [By the way, I got no response on that, so perhaps that’s a gentle way of say, ah, yeah you are, Shannon. ;)]

I think out loud – a lot. I may ponder and mull more than the average person. Because I think through things somewhat publicly, I end up not doing things one might have thought I would. Usually, all this talking makes me pretty predictable though (I think). The talking keeps me in the decision making stage and I end up confused. It’s bad. And it’s something I’m trying to stop doing.

I’m losing focus here.

Okay, so I like change, but I’m slow to initiate it because I don’t trust myself . And I talk about all of it too much, most likely because I want someone else to show me the way, and hence initiate the change for me. Very lame, I know.

In my defense, I’m a very confused person. I’ve been in this confused state for more than a decade. I can’t seem to get out of it, it’s a circle that feeds on itself. It started with no knowing what I wanted to do in college, hence I couldn’t choose a major. Then I had no guts to change my major, or even to add a minor. In the end, it’s worked out and I use the major I got and the minor I wanted. I have not learned any lessons from this – at least not any that I apparently use. I still don’t know what I want, and when I think I have it figured out I question myself. It’s all quite unnecessary. I know.

So if you can’t already tell, I’m feeling whiny again – like I need a change. I’m not sure yet what change though. Ha, that’s surely a lie. But like I said, I need to spend more time with internal struggle and less time talking. Okay, I need to spend less time with both and just make some freakin’ decisions!

Or maybe I should have just stayed in bed today and tomorrow will be completely different.

Mirror, Mirror in my mind . . .

I had to let the previous, unexpected, blog stand alone, otherwise it would infect any other thoughts I had. And I have a lot of thoughts.
Did you know me during my 29th year in this life? Did you have firsthand experience with my obsessing over 30? I feel like it was what I needed, and as much as I got made fun of – I’d behave that way again.
I was asked about that this past weekend. I think my cousin (L) must be turning 30 this October. I should know for sure, but I’m a loser and I don’t. I know my other cousin (T) is turning 30 next month, but I thought L was younger than T. Anyway, I admitted to my obsession last year, but said it wasn’t bad at all (turning 30) and that I’m over it. I’m sure I’ve said this to at least a few people – internally 25 was a much more difficult birthday than 30.
D (there is only one D – he is the husband, hopefully you’re keeping up and you know who D is) – so D freaked out like I was lying, and turning 30 was awful for me. I did admit to being obsessed, but I never cried or had any tantrums. And quite frankly, though it may not be a good trait, how I feel inside and how I act outwardly can be very different. Sometimes that’s a conscious decision and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s a mix – really. I’m guessing this is common, and maybe even normal – I don’t really care though. It’s just me.
Usually D has me figured out, though probably no one other than he would. So his reaction at lunch was somewhat surprising. Maybe because I talk a lot I assume I’ve told him what I think when in fact I’ve only thought it a million times. Does that make sense? In any case, I feel like I have to defend myself sometimes – to him, and others. I understand that they can only know me through what I share (again consciously and unconsciously). Even when I’m ready to expose the reality, they often think it’s me who is confused. So people may think I’m quite delusional about myself. Maybe I am. The mirror we see, hear and reason with ourselves through is skewed. I think that’s the case with everyone to some degree – of course some people have a much more warped view than others. Maybe I’m really warped.

So this has become another blog I did not intend to write. I actually had an idea when I sat down. By now I can’t recall what that idea was; I blame Leo Slayer. Perhaps I’ll accidentally happen upon it another time, when I have plans to write on a totally different topic.

You've got a cute way of talking

I was going to ask, “Don’t you love when random songs enter your head?” But maybe you don’t love that. I don’t always love it. As I began to write this blog (one that I didn’t intend to be about random songs, or anything music related) a song popped into my head. It’s a somewhat high energy song, and though it’s on a cd in my car, I haven’t actually listened to it for a couple weeks. Are you just dying to know what it is? Okay:
You make me feel like dancin’
Gonna dance the night away
[take time to groove here]
You make me feel like Dancin’
Dancin’
Dance the night away
That may not actually be how the lyrics flow, but in my mind that’s how they’ve been remixed. For my work fans, you can hear this on my shared itunes – enjoy.

work? blog? blog as work? work as blog?

I need to find my voice. Not like Kaetie found hers recently (I did that many years ago), but my written voice.
I even have an old college book Developing a Written Voice. Maybe I need to dig that out.
I definitely feel I lack a voice when I blog (or write in general – unless it’s for work). I’m not a natural storyteller, and I wonder if that’s part of the problem. When I write I’m very driven by my mood, and so I feel like there is part of why there is no consistent voice. I’m also driven by an inner critic and shy inner introvert (is that too much “in”?). So maybe an issue is not writing honestly (open) enough. Or maybe I do have a voice and I’m letting that critic convince me otherwise. I don’t know.
Regardless, I was at first unhappy to have so few comments. Then the comments came, and I felt better. But even with that I still don’t blog often. I’m back to wanting to use this as a means of writing. Nothing Pulitzer-worthy, but just writing so my brain keeps working. [Yes, I know that’s a fragment – artistic license!]
Oh, and don’t get me wrong – I love comments. Also, if you’re interested in linking to one another’s blog let me know.

Reading

Are you reading anything?
I have a ridiculous long list of books I'm reading - or not reading in most cases.
I'm part of a bookclub at work. So I just read What is theWhat, last month's book. It was really good. It's about the Lost Boys (specifically one) of Sudan. It's by Dave Eggers. I've not read his other work as many reviewers say his writing tends to be egotistical. I didn't want to get into that. This was fiction, but based signficantly on real events. Read it, you'll get what I mean. It's inspiring. Not inspiring like I'm going to go out and conquer something. It's inspring in that I want to learn more about the history of Africa. I want to re-commit to helping the people of the continent - especially refugees.
This weekend I read Night. I've been wanting to read it and maybe had I known it was so short I would have. I read it in the airports during my travels. It's not the first book I've read from a Holocaust survivor, and this was no less poignant. I highly reccomend this quick read too. I guess the original French version was a bit longer. I think I would have liked to read his expanded thoughts.
Now I'm torn between two books, the current bookclub selection The March (Pulitzer prize finalist about the Civil War march of Sherman) or continue on with Long Way Gone (child solider in Sierra Leone). I had planned to read the latter, but honestly it's not written nearly as well as Egger's piece. They're different, so I think it will be worthwhile to read both. Besides, the bookclub isn't all that popular. Only two of us read What is the What. I'm not sure who will read The March. I think I may do my own thing until May when it's time for The Good Earth. I highly reccomend that one too. I already read it, but plan to re-read it.
Oh, and I'm also planning to read The Secret, and maybe, just maybe I can finally dive into The Power of Now or any other number of books sitting in the 'read next' pile on my bookshelf.
Read, Read, Read! If only we still got Pizza Hut coupons for reading!
Okay, everyone off to your library now! :)

other vacations have warranted blogs too, REALLY

I spent this past weekend in Texas.
Not sure why this time I actually wrote a blog about it.
You can find it on my travel blog - the link is below.
[and see what I mean about no voice - ick]
Hmm, with comments like that I'm really not selling the TX blog very well, am I?