If and Now

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this today, though I must admit in my struggle to stay focused on now, I often find myself dismissing the past and the future obsessions with this brush off. I'm warning you, it's very cliche, . . . everything happens for a reason; or perhaps you prefer the more freewill version, I wouldn't change any of my decisions as they've all made me who I am today. I like who I am today, where I am today, and the potential I have for the future. I consider myself very fortunate and blessed. Even when I'm obsessing on the past or future it's not because I'm unhappy or not grateful. It's usually because I'm antsy. I'm not ambitious though or competitive. I resist both those labels though D insists I am both.

[side note: I saw a blogger listed their cast of characters in their profile and I'm very tempted to steal the idea]

Anyway, I don't normally write about religion or spirituality though I feel like this blog fits into that category. I was raised Catholic and never questioned anything - held by tradition, family and fear which as I aged seemed like poor reasons to remain part of any religion. Having been without for awhile, I'm not in the market for a new one. I'm happy being spiritual and leaving the red tape behind. With that being said, both D & I were raised more on religion than spirituality and we both worry J needs to be also. We also think he needs Sunday dinners at grandma's every week and holiday picnics with cousins and friends, but that's a whole other blog (or is it?). Oh, and let me clarify that we don't think J needs to be raised without his spirituality in mind, but that he needs a solid helping of religion to structure that for him - or really for us I guess.

In any case, I'm really antsy these days. J is growing so fast and I don't want to rush things as it will fly by fast enough. I want to relish every day and every moment. The fear of losing this time is overwhelming some days and I focus on that when I wander out of the present. At the same time though, I find myself excited for him to sit up, hold his own bottle, etc as this will surely make my life a little easier and allow me to get more done. I'm also often looking ahead to fall when the next promotion may (or may not) be posted at D's company. That is probably the biggest future item I obsess over. And it's pointless as it is completely outside our control as to when a position is posted and if he gets it. I'm still reeling from his not getting the last one but since this is a public forum that's all I have to say about that.

D's not getting that promotion had to have happened for a reason. Was our feng-shui off? Did we have lingering bad karma? Did we just not pray hard enough? Though that was not a choice we made, it's still shaping the people we are, and I feel like I know the reason it happened. It was for me.

Like I said, I'm antsy these days. Another side of that is the need to feed my entrepreneurial spirit and see the ideas, plans and hopes I have become realized. If D had gotten that promotion I doubt I would feel nearly as antsy. We'd have enough money each month so I wouldn't need to work. I could join mom groups and blog all day. Surely in the long run that wouldn't make me very happy though. So it's a good thing that I'm being forced to hurry up and get things moving. This way I'll be off and running by the fall when hopefully what's meant to be is a promotion for D, and not because we need it but because he wants it, has worked hard for it, and deserves it.
It's a balancing act, this now thing. I don't feel like it should be but it is. I'm getting better at it. Stopping and looking at how good a life I have helps. Stopping and watching my son smile, nap or learn the tiniest thing helps. Now IS all we have.