Off and running . . . well, almost

I met with an accountant this week. This was one of the "must do" items on the checklist(s) that was allowing me to continue to procrastinate - I mean, it was keeping me from moving on and getting these businesses up and running. It was a successful meeting; I learned a lot including that I have at least one follow-up meeting necessary to get things in order. I can get started though choosing a name (or names), getting my FEIN, sending out my resume, and becoming a separate legal entity from myself (at least according to Ohio). However, I must admit this lingering meeting is singing it's siren song, calling to me to do nothing, to wait just a little bit longer.

I admit that being a somewhat obsessive list-maker and procrastinator is perhaps an odd mix. Yes, I make lists just so I can then stare at them and do nothing. Well, not exactly. Honestly, I do find that a list helps keep me from procrastinating. Being disorganized is just one more item that will freeze me in my tracks indefinitely.

Part of the procrastination is the relationship I have with my inner critic - I almost always fold to her negative thoughts. In cahoots with her is the confused part of me that has never known (and still does not know) what I want to do with my life (professionally speaking, and of course outside of winning the lottery). I'm sure there is a part of me that knows the correct path and if I could quiet my mind and meditate for a few weeks, months or with my luck, years maybe I could learn what that path is.

The past few weeks (oh, about 14 of them) have been full of changes and while I now consider myself very adaptable, I could do better. I need to do better. I can't keep up and adjust myself fast enough. I would say for the most part I'm in a rhythm now, it's just I need to find time in to squeeze in work. I'd also love to squeeze in a little time for myself, time at the gym, time to read or write or both, and time to interact with other adults. I'm fine combining some of these into one - time for me, at the gym, with a new magazine. It's the interacting with other adults that's really lacking. I would say that is the biggest sacrifice of no longer working outside my home, bigger than even my salary.

I realize I'm on the border here, or maybe the 4 Corners of various emotional states, none of which would be fun to blog about let alone read about. My intention is not to make either of us uncomfortable here. I'm working towards something here; I think.

The past few days I've been extra whiny about life in general. I'm not whiny in a way implying I'm not happy, or I need a major change, or things suck. I think I feel growing pains these days about as often as I imagine J does. Just when I think I'm used to things, I'm not. Or just when I think I can start incorporating something of my former self back into life, I can't quite yet. And really to say I've been whiny isn't really that accurate I don't think. I tend to spend much more time in a state of melancholy than whiny, angry or any other negative emotional state. I've been very melancholy - to the point that I keep being asked if I'm happy and if not what would make me happy. I don't think I'm unhappy and I couldn't begin to guess what would make me happy if I'm not. So good thing I'm not - unhappy.

So after a few days of this circuitous, self-inflated drama I opened up my TiVo today to finally find a new Oprah. I don't care who hates her, and I'm shocked to see so many people do. I like her enough and I admit to having to restrain myself from running out to purchase many of her favorite things or recommended books. In any case, she had yet another follow-up on the Law of Attraction. I've come to really believe in this more and more over the past year or so. In both positive and negative ways I've seen both D and I attract things to our lives. The show was another wake-up call that I'm in control here. Drawing from another author in the self-help genre, I need a paradigm shift.

My melancholy, negativity, self-doubt, and general bad attitude is surely attracting more of the same back to me right now. I need to change my thoughts, my attitude, my behavior and in time things will be better. Yes, things could potentially be better in time regardless. However, I have two businesses I'm starting and I feel the timing to do so is right now. If I wait, our budget issues will hopefully be taken care of by D getting a promotion this fall. Then I'll have even less motivating me. I need to do it now. Being positive can only help - especially if it will attract positive energy, people, ideas, and events back to me.