Raw

Tonight was the last night of adoption class. The first four weeks were general and the last four weeks were for those interested in domestic adoption. That's us.
I didn't have high expectations for tonight based on the syllabus. And I realize now that the speaker tonight was the same woman that spoke on a similar topic 3 years ago when I took the core track. The topic was specific to public adoption through the county system. Most, if not all children coming through the county are considered special needs regardless of what issues they may have. She implied that termination of parental rights was enough to qualify them as such.
Termination of parental rights. It was an underlying current all evening. She had professional anecdotes here and there and sometimes they were very unpleasant. I will spare you.
Once she was done we had a panel of adoptive parents and adult adoptees speak to us and answer our questions. Their experiences were pretty varied. I feel like I was able to take something away from each of their stories. I really appreciated each of them spending time with us when they could have been relaxing at home. Our third speaker nearly brought me to tears, or I should say did bring me to tears but not until I was driving home. Her third daughter has had some very difficult experiences. And while I'm not certain that she was ever abused, she was around it.
I'm sure I'm not going to be very "pc" here and I know that's unlike me. Before becoming a parent I would have still wondered this but now that I am a parent I'm really dumbfounded with people. As someone who feels guilty for a killing a spider and does not eat meat because I cannot take a life, I find it unfathomable how someone can harm a child let alone their very own child. I am really confused and heartbroken for the children who don't make it out of abuse situations including those who have died. Our third speaker's daughter had both a biological brother and adoptive brother die due to abuse and neglect at the hands of separate sets of parents before arriving in her family. Again, I will spare you the details. Normally I would say I wish I'd been spared them and maybe that's the case still. I'm not sure.
I know in my heart going forward with private adoption is right for us now. I've also had a nagging suspicion even before tonight that public adoption may also be in our future down the road. It's frightening and worrisome to me to have a child I am responsible to help move past issues and baggage they may carry. I worry I won't be able to be what they need. At the same time I really feel like we'll go that route anyway because I'm not one to let fear win.
I titled this post "raw" because our last speaker used the term repeatedly in describing her emotions. She apologetically broke down while talking to us but it was clearly a sort of cathartic thing for her. The term is extremely fitting for how I'm feeling and I'm not sure how to feel better about it.