As if.

Main Entry: ob·ses·sion
Pronunciation: äb-'se-sh&n, &b-
Function: noun
1 : a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

Though not listed as a derivative of the word obsession – I’m an obsesser, obsessing over obsessions and most anything else as well. I’m not sure where this “disturbing” behavior comes from. My obsessions are not normally anything I’d call unreasonable though the amount of time I've spent delving into them could easily be labeled unreasonable.

Cesar Milan, aka the Dog Whisperer, talks about obsession in dogs. Dogs that are obsessed with their shadows, water, running, barking, etc. These dogs he says are unbalanced. His remedy is always the same, okay normally the same. The dogs need to find their place in the pack and take comfort in that. Often times the dogs also need to expend energy and do work.

Is it the same with humans? Am I obsessing because I have too much pent-up energy or because I’m not fulfilling myself with work? Is it a flaw (bad) or a quirk (cute)? I’m not sure. Sometimes it feels like a weight and other times it feels fun – isn’t that how an addict would describe their drug though? That’s ominous.

Anyway, only two short months after my vacation I find myself obsessing again. Obsessing over finances, home repair, ancient Mayan ruins, even cupcakes to name just a few items. I can’t seem to just live each day for the sake of that day. I don’t feel stressed. I don’t feel stagnant. In reality I feel like I’m full of ideas and momentum.

So why can’t I just be? I’m good for awhile and then blah. As soon as I get what I’d been planning or obsessing over I just move on to something else. I was listening to a cd about being present and then I stopped. I was doing well; it was boring me; I stopped. I think I need to revisit the idea of being present. I’m an obsession junkie – a planning, research, organization, list-making junkie – and once I allow myself to do any such thing it snowballs. I can’t have even one list. Not one future desire my mind can continually re-focus on and analyze until it hurts.

This penchant for planning could be seen as a gift. Someday perhaps I'll learn to use it for good and not evil. Until then I have to go cold turkey and become present.