are things getting too deep?

Do you like change? Do you ever crave change?

I go through stages of being pretty content, working towards a goal, and wanting a change. Of course, that’s probably typical for a lot of people. It just annoys me. I like change, but I hate craving change. I wish I could just settle in and be content with things for longer than a few months at a time. Nothing is so bad in my life that I need to change it. So I’m not sure why I behave like this.

In general I have a tendency to view the grass as greener elsewhere. But I also have a problem with trusting myself and choosing a path, green or not. I stayed in a job that I liked for way too long. Yes, a job I liked, but it was a dead end. I needed to either be happy where I was, and stay there with little advancement and little learning, OR move on into some kind of unknown. After whining and complaining and fretting for 2 years I finally made a change.

If I like change, why am I so slow to make it? I don’t know.

Unlike some, I can deal with changes that I don’t control. I won’t say I love them, but I cope. I don’t seem to trust myself though in making decisions to initiate change. Thinking back, the only reasons I could have to not to trust myself are cases where I didn’t make a decision. I can’t think of many (any) decisions or changes I’ve made that I’ve regretted. Based on that, it would make sense that I should “go for it,” and make some decisions. Life will be fine. It’ll go on. I probably won’t even regret it.

Ah, but some of you who know me well may have other insight. This goes back to my recent post where I asked if I was delusional. [By the way, I got no response on that, so perhaps that’s a gentle way of say, ah, yeah you are, Shannon. ;)]

I think out loud – a lot. I may ponder and mull more than the average person. Because I think through things somewhat publicly, I end up not doing things one might have thought I would. Usually, all this talking makes me pretty predictable though (I think). The talking keeps me in the decision making stage and I end up confused. It’s bad. And it’s something I’m trying to stop doing.

I’m losing focus here.

Okay, so I like change, but I’m slow to initiate it because I don’t trust myself . And I talk about all of it too much, most likely because I want someone else to show me the way, and hence initiate the change for me. Very lame, I know.

In my defense, I’m a very confused person. I’ve been in this confused state for more than a decade. I can’t seem to get out of it, it’s a circle that feeds on itself. It started with no knowing what I wanted to do in college, hence I couldn’t choose a major. Then I had no guts to change my major, or even to add a minor. In the end, it’s worked out and I use the major I got and the minor I wanted. I have not learned any lessons from this – at least not any that I apparently use. I still don’t know what I want, and when I think I have it figured out I question myself. It’s all quite unnecessary. I know.

So if you can’t already tell, I’m feeling whiny again – like I need a change. I’m not sure yet what change though. Ha, that’s surely a lie. But like I said, I need to spend more time with internal struggle and less time talking. Okay, I need to spend less time with both and just make some freakin’ decisions!

Or maybe I should have just stayed in bed today and tomorrow will be completely different.