Mirror, Mirror in my mind . . .

I had to let the previous, unexpected, blog stand alone, otherwise it would infect any other thoughts I had. And I have a lot of thoughts.
Did you know me during my 29th year in this life? Did you have firsthand experience with my obsessing over 30? I feel like it was what I needed, and as much as I got made fun of – I’d behave that way again.
I was asked about that this past weekend. I think my cousin (L) must be turning 30 this October. I should know for sure, but I’m a loser and I don’t. I know my other cousin (T) is turning 30 next month, but I thought L was younger than T. Anyway, I admitted to my obsession last year, but said it wasn’t bad at all (turning 30) and that I’m over it. I’m sure I’ve said this to at least a few people – internally 25 was a much more difficult birthday than 30.
D (there is only one D – he is the husband, hopefully you’re keeping up and you know who D is) – so D freaked out like I was lying, and turning 30 was awful for me. I did admit to being obsessed, but I never cried or had any tantrums. And quite frankly, though it may not be a good trait, how I feel inside and how I act outwardly can be very different. Sometimes that’s a conscious decision and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s a mix – really. I’m guessing this is common, and maybe even normal – I don’t really care though. It’s just me.
Usually D has me figured out, though probably no one other than he would. So his reaction at lunch was somewhat surprising. Maybe because I talk a lot I assume I’ve told him what I think when in fact I’ve only thought it a million times. Does that make sense? In any case, I feel like I have to defend myself sometimes – to him, and others. I understand that they can only know me through what I share (again consciously and unconsciously). Even when I’m ready to expose the reality, they often think it’s me who is confused. So people may think I’m quite delusional about myself. Maybe I am. The mirror we see, hear and reason with ourselves through is skewed. I think that’s the case with everyone to some degree – of course some people have a much more warped view than others. Maybe I’m really warped.

So this has become another blog I did not intend to write. I actually had an idea when I sat down. By now I can’t recall what that idea was; I blame Leo Slayer. Perhaps I’ll accidentally happen upon it another time, when I have plans to write on a totally different topic.